While big sister Rumer Willis has already made a name for herself being a doppelganger for a pigskin, younger sister Scout Willis has yet to make her mark upon the celebrity world. I wouldn’t have expected her to make that mark with her bare asscheeks upon a motorcycle seat, but I’m all for unexpected surprises. Just think of all that money they’ll save on leather conditioner for that seat.

Despite her crack-addict-like dependence on Photoshop and injectable fillers, Kim Kardashian is loudly proclaiming how much she loves herself just the way she is in the May 2011 “Body Issue” of Cosmo UK. The Daily Mail says:

The 30-year-old reality star poses in a series of revealing outfits for the publication’s May ‘body’ issue [and] certainly seems pleased with the results, writing on her website today: “This was such a sexy shoot and I love the way the photos turned out.”

[She tells the magazine], “Personally, I’ve always loved the curvy look. Even when I was a little girl and all my friends would be like, ‘Oh, my god, your butt’s so big.’ And I’d say, ‘I love it.’”

So her friends were those white girls at the beginning of Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back Video?” Weird. I always wondered what happened to those chicks.

42-year-old model/actress Stephanie Seymour is a dirty crook. The last time I saw a butt that round on a white woman, it was on a black woman bouncing around in a thong and stripper heels next to a rapper. It’s like the world got turned upside down. It’s usually the blacks that are stealing from white people, but in this case, lady is a booty thief! What’s next? The Mexicans here learning to speak English?

In St. Bart’s with her son:

Here’s Nicole “Coco” Austin leaving her imprint on the fashion world. And by “imprint”, I mean “getting pummeled by twin silicone bags”. This look here is for that woman who doesn’t know just what to dress up her butt implants with. What exactly would you call the dressing up of asses? Asserdashery? I don’t know. Coco is treading upon a whole new world of prêt-à-porter here. I just hope she doesn’t decide to sit down.

A nightmare incarnate to Karl Lagerfeld at Sachika Twins S/S 2011 Fashion Show in New York:

“Doot do dooo, hi ya’ll, it’s me, Britney Spears. Remember back in the day when all ya’ll would be droolin’ over me and my milkshake? Remember when I knew stuff about bras and how they can keep yer tits from going all wonky? I do, because I have pictures of myself from those times, and I actually have them here in my pants pocket, so I’ll show ya. Oops. Except I forgot to wear pants today. Ha! Ha! My bad!”

Getting a milkshake at Johnny Rocket’s:

It’s like my mom always said — subtlety is for pussies. That’s why you should always remove your g-string using only the heel of your lucite platforms and take lots of bird’s-eye pictures of your own tits and post them on the internet. Coco: because waving a red flag in front of your vagina is just a little too cerebral!

The only thing I know about Phoebe Price is that she loves having her picture taken and that she seems to be famous for nothing other than gallivanting around wearing the fugliest outfits. That, and her weird joker grin makes me think she may have sex with you, and then kill you. Or kill you and then have sex with you. Oh but that’s nothing. Just wait until she lays her eggs inside your body to act as a food source for her larvae, until the little buggers are mature enough to pop out, don tacky outfits and start posing for pictures of their own. I saw it on National Geographic before. It was called, The Reproduction of Attention Whores. True story.

Today’s Name That Celebrity: Big Fat Ass Edition is a freakin’ cake walk. And I mean that literally, as in “How many times a day does this stupid bitch walk into Krispy Kreme for more cake donuts?” I’ve been huffing glue all afternoon and even I got this one. One final hint: she probably smells like the Colonel’s secret recipe and Colt 45, or whatever it is black guys’ ball sweat smells like. I don’t really know. I guess I could always just ask your mom’s upper lip. Zing!

The big reveal after the jump…

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