Rihanna’s latest video “Man Down” has stirred up all kinds of controversy in the last two days, but I’m just now getting around to it because it contained absolutely no naked Blake Lively photos. You see my dilemma. TMZ says:

The Parents Television Council is blasting Rihanna for hawking a “cold, calculated execution of murder” in her brand new music video for “Man Down.”

The council is outraged that Rihanna would suggest that gunning down a rapist in a crowded train station is a proper form of justice.

The PTC is all the more outraged that Rihanna tweeted her fans that the video contained, “a very strong underlying message 4 girls like me.”

Rihanna responded to the criticism yesterday with a series of tweets absolving herself of any wrongdoing in that she is a “rockstar” making “art,” not a parent. Her words, not mine. The Daily Mail says:

Rihanna has defended her controversial new music video Man Down, insisting ‘this is the real world’.

‘I’m a 23 year old rockstar with NO KIDS! What’s up with everybody wanting me to be a parent? I’m just a girl, I can only be your/our voice!’ she wrote.

‘The music industry isn’t exactly Parents R Us! We have the freedom to make art, LET US! Its your job to make sure they don’t turn out like US.’

Women are brutalized and exploited in music videos all the damn time, so I don’t see how a music video in which a girl brings down a little vigilante justice is such a big deal. If we’re gonna air grievances about the video, why don’t we start with the fact that the song sounds like a crappy Bob Marley cover band doing a ripoff of Aerosmith’s Janie Got a Gun with a little help from the Little Drummer Boy from the classic Christmas carol. Rum-pa-pa-pum? And I said it before, but it merits mentioning again — the video is sorely lacking in the Blake Lively nipple department. Ultimately, I think that’s where our real problem lies.

But it’s not short in the Rihanna nipple department, because she’s completely see-through in these screen grabs from the video:

Cher’s nipple was on full display at the Madrid premiere of new movie “Burlesque” yesterday, and is it ever a testament to the efficacy of plastic surgery. My mother-in-law is in her sixties, too, but her boobs don’t look like that. Think more along the lines of “summer squash” and “pie pans.”

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

I don’t know who Taylor Cole is, but she’s the only one at GQ’s Man of the Year party who put any effort whatsoever into her dress. And by “effort” I mean “she’s not wearing a bra.” And that’s about all the effort I’m gonna put into this post. You probably already guessed I’m not wearing a bra, either!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

It’s nice to see Vanity Fair finally tapping into the wet t-shirt demographic. Before it was all “Joe Francis” and “Spring Break,” but being featured in a Condé Nast publication makes it highbrow. Now when I break out the super soakers at a ladies luncheon, everyone will think I’m extra fancy instead of calling the cops. I’ll make sure to wear a top hat and monocle if I plan on pushing a fully dressed woman into a swimming pool.

Olivia Wilde in next month’s Vanity Fair:

Miley Cyrus broke out some serious dance moves with Ashley Greene at the VIP Room in Paris, France this weekend. Like “The Marionette,” as seen above. Finally, a move both 18th century puppet masters and victims of cerebral palsy can embrace! It’s just a shame it took this long for them to find a common ground.

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PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

It’s good to see that while Lindsay Lohan is no longer behind bars, she’s also no longer behind bras, either. Ha ha, get it? Bars, bras? It’s an anagram! Who says wordplay can’t be just as fun as foreplay? See True Love Waits for more great fornication-free ideas like these and more!

Leaving an L.A. courthouse earlier today (that’s right — she wore that to court):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

All the news of kiddie rapists and the impending apocalypse can really get a guy down. Fortunately, these pictures of Irina Shayk in next month’s GQ are here to get you right back up again. And I of course mean that in the wiener-iest sense of the word. Unless I dictate otherwise, you should always just assume that’s the case here.

People always get weirded out when you start talking about a 14-year-old’s tits, but it’s not my fault Ali Lohan can’t find a bra. You’d think with party hat nipples like those she’d know better, but remember, she’s a Lohan. Undergarments are like garlic necklaces and a sterling crucifixes to them.

Former “Girls Next Door” Kendra Wilkinson was in New York yesterday hawking her new book “Sliding Into Home,” which conveniently came out within a month of her sex tape “leaking.” Funny how stuff like that seems to happen Hollywood. What you and I might call “calculated manipulation,” celebrities call “coincidence.” Much like Kendra coincidentally forgetting to wear a bra with a see-through dress while selling a book with no pictures of her boobs in it. Just one more happy accident, I guess!

With husband Hank Baskett at Borders:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

That’s either a really stupid fucking hat, or Lady Gaga has one of the worst cases of cauliflower ear I’ve ever seen. On the plus side, with all that shit obstructing her vision, there’s always a good chance she’ll get hit by a bus crossing the street. We must never let go of that hope, brothers and sisters.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online, Pacific Coast News

These pictures of Alessandra Ambrosio may or may not be new. Regardless (and irregardless), I’m putting them up, because they have bare bottom and see-through nipples. I mean, you can see through to her nipples. Her nipples themselves aren’t see-through. You know, in case you thought you were gonna get a look inside her thoracic cavity by means of transparent areola. And if that’s the case, you should probably take off the ladies’ undergarments and get back to dismembering your neighbor before she starts to smell. Fuckin weirdo.

Ten years after his other famous-people-naked book “A Private View” was published, reknown photographer Sante D’Orazio has published a followup entitled “Barely Private,” which, as the title suggests, is mostly pictures of celebrities baring their privates. Like Eva Mendes here with her nipple hanging out (click header image for NSFW above) and showing off visible bush in a pair of see-through panties (click image for possibly NSFW below). Sold and sold! Amazon.com says

Sante D’Orazio returns with a second volume of photo-diary-scrapbook, covering 1997 to 2008. Uncensored and provocative, D’Orazio [photographed] celebrities, models, musicians, actors and artists in various states of undress.

Included are Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, Diane Kruger, Tricia Helfer, Stephanie Seymour, Liz Hurley, Jay-Z, Mickey Rourke, Angelina Jolie, Christina Aguilera, Pam Anderson, Keith Richards, Axl Rose, Damien Hirst, Julian Schnabel and many more.

Finally, something appropriately named! So many books and movies nowadays have such misleading titles. Like an “An American Tail” and “Free Willy,” for starters. Don’t even bother trying to get your money back at Blockbusters, because all they’ll do is laugh and point at you.