Here’s a delicious sample of Page 3 girl Keely Hazell’s 2010 “Erotic Calendar.” Not to be confused with Keely Hazell’s 2010 “Psychotic Calendar,” which mostly consists of pictures of me jumping out the dumpster behind her flat and hacking off my own ear with a Swiss Army knife while she stands there screaming. Those pics still technically belong to Scotland Yard.

Kim Kardashian has a new calendar coming out for 2009, proving once again that being peed on can really pay off in spades for a girl. The calendar is chock full of Kim making “sexy poses” (re: finger in mouth and I-smell-a-fart-face) and lots of quaint seasonal folklore for each month of the year, like “Golden showers bring May flowers” and “March cums in like a lion and all over my face and then videotapes it to show all his friends.” It’s semi-pornographic and practical! That’s what we in the business like to call “a win-win.”

I know, I know — I’ll put up the HQ as soon as they are available:

Jennifer Aniston is almost catatonically boring, but even I am willing to admit that she’s got a fantastic body.  I was not aware, however, that she did calendars.  Why in the holy hell anyone would want to look at her every single day for a year is beyond me.  Five minutes, I can understand, especially if the picture cuts her off at the head.  But a whole year?  I ain’t got that kinda saintly tolerance, my friend.

At any rate, because I am generous and kind, here are the pictures from her 2009 desktop calendar.  Now you can look at them for five minutes and not have to spend any money or stare at her stupid face for a year.  There are really only a couple of pictures that are important here.  I trust you’ll be able to figure out which ones.

David Beckham’s official 2009 calendar is available for pre-order on Amazon.com, ladies! It’s about time we had something delectable to look at, wouldn’t you agree girls? Maybe if you’re really bad good Santa will leave this in your stocking! There’s really not much to be said here. I’ll let the pictures do the talkin’, your hands do the walkin’!