You know, whenever I’m all get all shiny and oily looking all I get it, Sonya, you stink, Sonya, take a shower, Sonya, stop wrestling with those pigs! When Eva Mendes gets all greased up, someone whips out a camera, sandwiches her behind a hot guy and slaps her on a billboard. I get the hose. Sheesh, some women have all the luck.

Greasing Gracing the Sunset Strip in Hollywood

A downtown Manhattan Calvin Klein billboard ad depicting a three-on-one group sex scene has family values groups up in arms. Fox News says

The blue-jeans giant has unveiled a jumbo ad that shows two young men and a young woman entwined in a semi-nude threesome, as another man undresses.

Randy Sharp of the American Family Association [said], “I find this kind of ad repulsive, I find it disgusting, I find it inappropriate for a public venue.”

Wendy Wright, president of Concerned Women for America, said, “This is graphic and intended to shock any sensibility — even in New York.”

Frankly, I don’t know what offends me more more — the depiction of a semi-nude threesome, or the man wearing the cuffed denim shorts. Both are pretty repulsive if you ask me.

And speaking of semi-nude, here are some pics of Olivia Wilde in next month’s Maxim:

Fashion designer Calvin Klein has chosen DIY abortion champion Eva Mendes to be the new face — well, new ass, technically — of their 2008 underwear ad campaign. OK! Magazine says

The advertisements, which will debut in the fall, will focus on “seductive comfort.” She will also be the face of a-yet-unnamed Calvin Klein fragrance.

Sorry, but in what kind of bizarro world do the words “seductive” and “comfort” go together? Comfort = flannel with butt flap; seductive = underwire and g-string burn. It’s a simple mathematic principle known as inversely proportionality. If one of the variables is directly proportional to the multiplicative inverse of the other, or if their product is a constant, it means that as the absolute value of one variable gets bigger (seductiveness), the absolute value of the other gets smaller (comfort). Or as Dr. Love says, “the longer it takes to put it on and the more it pinches, pulls, chafes and/or itches, the sexier it actually is.” Did I mention Dr. Love is in my pants? She’s really the authority on all things boudoir.

Eva departing JFK March 8th: