Hey everyone, it’s Sonya, and I’ll be filling in for Abby today. Did you know that Matthew McConaughey has a movie out in “limited release”, called Surfer, Dude? Yeah, I didn’t either. The synopsis itself makes me want to swallow the muzzle of a gun.

Longboarding soul-surfer Steve Addington (Matthew McConaughey) returns to Malibu for the summer to find his cool hometown vibe corrupted. New sponsorship demands Addington to expand into Virtual Reality Video Games and Reality TV. Unwilling to participate in this new digital-reality, he chooses to spend his summer surfing his home break. But in a twist-of-fate, the waves go flat and stay flat. Out of money, his expense-accounts canceled, and betrayed by his buddies, Addington is backed into a harsh corner. He must endure the insanity that comes with no waves or give into “the Man” and his new, reality-altering machines. Aided by his manager (Woody Harrelson), his mentor (Scott Glenn), his guardian-angel (Willie Nelson) and his summer lover (Alexie Gilmore), Addington has a chance of keeping his cool, but it’s not going to be easy. The dude needs a wave, and there’s never been a drought like this.

You can practically smell the pot, patchouli and B.O. There IS one bright pinpoint of light in the tunnel of weed-induced haze, and that would be that we get to see if McStinky inherited his dad’s “gift“. Pop Wrap says,

There’s no shortage of bare breasts, and McConaughey takes a potshot at himself with a naked didjeridoo session. Though the lighting is low, McConaughey’s junk is on display to guarantee healthy DVD sales.

Now everyone can see what it’s like to be Matthew’s neighbor! All winky, no stinky! Woo-hoo!

Matthew’s girlfriend Camila Alves out and about in Malibu:

Levi McConaughey makes his debut appearance on the cover of this week’s OK! Magazine, along with Daddy Matthew and Mommy Camila. Matthew was in the room with Camila during the delivery, and was more than happy to divulge all the birthing details:

“We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music. We were jamming! She was sweating. No painkiller, let’s go. She just clicked into that gear that only a woman has at a time like this. [I said,] ‘Let’s handle this… let’s stay in the rhythm. Don’t let the contraction be more than you.’”

I can’t think of anything worse for the birthing experience than Matthew McConaughey “going tribal” in between my legs while a seven pound larva tries to rip its way out of my vagina. Maybe Robin Williams with a kazoo doing the Duttywine in between my legs while a seven pound larva rips its way out of my vagina, but it’s a distant second.

Just two weeks after slobbering all over the locals and passing out in a drainage ditch in San Juan del Sur, Matthew McConaughey is officially a daddy to a baby boy. Us Weekly reports

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves welcomed their first child into the world Monday afternoon in Los Angeles. Alves gave birth to the as-yet-unnamed baby at 6.22 p.m. local time weighing 7 lb., 4 oz.

I’m sure Matthew is “stoked and wowed” that he has someone to follow in his footsteps. His one-flip-flopped, face-first-in-a-ditch footsteps. That kid sure has some rockin’ waxed abs to fill!

UPDATE: OK! Magazine is reporting that they named their kid Levi Alves McConaughey.

Matthew McConaughey spent a week away from his pregnant girlfriend earlier this month, drinking himself retarded and groping female patrons at the Iguana Bar in San Juan Del Sur. An eyewitness told Star Magazine

“He was acting like an out-of-control 18-year-old. He already seemed to be drunk when he arrived alone, and he only got worse from there on. He was putting the make on every woman in his path, throwing his arms around them and trying to kiss them, and trying to dirty-dance with a few out on the floor. But he was a mess, slurring his words and stumbling around.

A few minutes after he finally left the bar, someone found him in a sewage ditch outside. When they asked him what he was doing, he mumbled, ‘I’ve lost my flip-flops!’”

Nothing says “new dad” like slobbering drunk in a ditch. Wait, not “new dad.” I meant “nude ad.” Nothing says “nude ad” like slobbering drunk in a ditch. The last time I passed out in a gutter, my picture ended up front and center on concert posters for a punk band called “Drainage Ditch Debbie.” I have yet to see a paycheck for it, either.

Girlfriend Camila Alves in Spanish Elle February of this year:

Matthew McConaughey’s girlfriend of a year Camila Alves is three months pregnant with their first child. McConaughey writes on his personal site (NOT making this up, via Us Weekly)

“my girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together… its 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far. we are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being a mother and a father, and [shepherding] him or her through this life… thanks for bein fans of me and my work and now this new and miraculous chapter in my life, as me and Camila and our child do our best to just keep livin…

wow, McConaughey”

Interestingly, he wrote the whole thing from the back of a pickup using a only a hayseed, a quarter bag of bud, and an empty two-liter of Sun Drop. Somebody else played the banjo and held his shirt for him.

Vintage McConaughey for my ladies: