There’s a new celebrity catfight in town, boys and girls, and it smells like rotten tuna melt and fried circuit boards: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly pissed at Katie Holmes for stealing next month’s Glamour cover away from her. A classic case of man vs. machine! MSNBC says

The leggings entrepreneur/actress was expected to appear on the cover of the April edition of Glamour magazine, but instead the coveted cover went to Holmes.

“(Lohan) did this big Madonna-themed photo shoot and she was totally under the impression it would be the cover,” says the source. “Only she wasn’t on the cover, Katie was, and she’s mad at her now.”

I’d put my money on Lindsay Lohan any day of the week. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching “Terminator” and “The Matrix,” it’s never to underestimate the human in a fight against the computers. Especially if that human subsists entirely on Red Bull and cocaine. John Connor’s got nothin’ on that bitch.

The iconic Glamour shoot, with Alexis Bledel as Rosie the Riveter, Chanel Iman as Althea Gibson, Hayden Panettiere as Amelia Earhart, Emma Roberts as Audrey Hepburn, Camilla Belle as Mary Tyler Moore, Emma Stone as Carrie Bradshaw, Elisha Cuthbert as Brandi Chastain, America Ferrera as Dolores Huerta, Alicia Keys as First Lady Michelle Obama, Paula Patton as Billie Holiday, Odette Yustman, Spencer Grammer, Rumer Willis as The Women of Woodstock, and one more of Lindsay as Madonna:

Hey guys, it’s Sarah today.  So, The Jonas Brothers are dumb and annoying and I can’t even be bothered to really tell them apart, but you know the gay one?  With the stupid hair?  Who’s always yapping about something lame?  No, not that one.  The other one.  No, the other other one.  No, the middle one.  I think its name is Jon or Jeff or something.  Whatever.  Anyway, it has apparently taken to its MySpace page to blather about its breakup with Taylor Swift and its new relationship with Camilla Belle and the developing story of The Most Boring Feud in the History of Ever.  From People:

In a heartfelt letter to fans, Joe Jonas addresses his recent breakup with Taylor Swift, saying that certain “issues” led to a “change of heart.”

Although he doesn’t mention Swift by name, the teen idol makes clear in his MySpace post he’s referring to the country star, who has been speaking and singing about the split.

“Several things I will state with all my heart,” writes Jonas, 19, who’s now quietly dating actress Camilla Belle. “I never cheated on a girlfriend. It might make someone feel better to assume or imply I have been unfaithful but it is simply not true. Maybe there were reasons for a breakup. Maybe the heart moved on. Perhaps feelings changed. I am truly saddened that anything would potentially cause you to think less of me.”

Uhh… listen, the only way I could think less of Middle Jonas is if… actually no, there is just no way I could think less of him.  Seriously, shut UP, kid.  You sing in a lame tiny tot band with your two stupid brothers and you’re most famous for wearing purity rings and dressing like assclowns.  Your “relationships” with girls can’t possibly warrant this much drama, so until you finally come out and start dating someone appropriate for you, like Christian Siriano, please go away.  And take Old Jonas and Little Jonas with you.

After dumping country singer Taylor Swift via telephone last month, 19-year old Joe Jonas is now dating 10,000 BC actress Camilla Belle. And no, Camilla is not a guy. Surprise, surprise! People Magazine says

“They met on the set of his [Love Bug] music video. All the guys always had thought she was really pretty and that’s why they asked her to be in it. It was only after doing the video that they began to date.”

I tried to think of a gayer way for a couple to meet, like maybe on a tandem bike ride through a botanical garden or onstage at the Ice Capades, but nothing seemed quite gay enough. So I’m going to have to go out on a limb here and say that the only thing gayer than meeting your girlfriend on the set of “Love Bug” would have to involve a reach-around and full anal penetration.

Camilla Belle at the Hollywood Awards Gala in Beverly Hills last month: