TLC just gone done axing Kate Gosselin’s crappy “Kate + 8″ show, and now they’re canceling “L.A. Stink Ink” because of its comparably low ratings. But the way Kat von D tells it, she wasn’t fired because her show sucks; she quit that bitch because reality TV is supposed to be pure, unadulterated truth. She told People Magazine:

“In an effort to capitalize on my recent breakup [with Jesse James], TLC has decided to focus on re-editing events that didn’t happen while filming. In my opinion, any attempt to compromise the honesty of that would be an insult to my fans and viewers.

As grateful as I am to have been a part of LA Ink, I’m ready to end this chapter and want to focus on other projects now.”

It’s TLC’s loss, really. There are tons of projects out there for a girl like Kat. “RuPaul’s Drag Race” and “Bangkok Ladyboy Cabaret” come to mind. So do “Celebrity Rehab” and “My Strange Addiction.”

Miranda Kerr in some new Victoria’s Secret pics, because she doesn’t have to tuck:

TLC announced yesterday that they were pulling the plug on “Kate Plus 8,” so Kate Gosselin immediately took to Twitter to blame TLC for the show’s abysmal ratings. Radar Online says:

“Come on TLC, don’t take away the best show on TV for SIX years!!! Kate, is there anything us fans can do we all love y’all!” one user tweeted, which Kate re-posted to her own account. She also played the blame game, retweeting one user’s sentiment that “ratings dwindled b/c TLC put you in a 10 o’clock time slot and didn’t air your shows consistently.”

When one fan asked her if she planned on going back into her original career of nursing, Kate replied, “I plan on staying on tv.”

Then Kate [added], “Aww that Mady… Wants to do MORE tv!!! Disney anyone? Lol”

A show based on an unlikeable, emasculating cunt with the warmth and charisma of a frog schlepping a bunch of ugly little kids around just doesn’t work without the submissive Asian to take the brunt of the bitchiness. You wouldn’t send the organ grinder out without his monkey, would you? TLC should have known better.

In New York:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Everyone’s been speculating as to what went wrong between Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner, but I bet none of you considered the fact that she had been planning the split for weeks and timed it in order to capitalize on a “I Left Hugh at the Altar” made-for-TV movie deal she was negotiating behind his back. Gold-diggers the world over tip their hat to you, Ms. Harris. This is the part where you golf clap and nod approvingly. Page Six says:

Hugh Hefner’s wedding to Crystal Harris was called off after she secretly planned to ditch the Playboy mogul at the altar in return for a $500,000 media deal.

Harris, 25, was shopping for a big-bucks deal to tell all after she ditched hapless Hef, 85, in front of 300 guests at their wedding at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday, to be filmed for a Lifetime TV special.

A source told us, “Crystal wanted to ditch Hef at the altar. Her plan was to walk up the aisle and say she couldn’t go through with it. The wedding was to be filmed for a reality special, and her refusal to marry him would be a sensation. She was looking for a tie-in deal of around $500,000 for the exclusive ‘I ditched Hef at the altar’ interview. While there was interest, Crystal didn’t get an offer anywhere near half a million.”

It is not known if the Sunday argument was sparked by Hef finding out about her plan to humiliate him.

The last-minute cancellation is unfortunate timing for Playboy, considering its July issue hits newsstands tomorrow with “The New Mrs. Crystal Hefner!” on the cover. The Daily Mail says:

‘Recent events call for a special sticker on the July cover. Look for it on newsstands,’ Hefner said on Twitter.

A big red sticker announcing ‘Runaway Bride In This Issue!’ covers most of Harris’ bottom half.

She is wearing his trademark sailor’s cap and smoking jacket, and holding a pipe.

A spokeswoman said the sticker would appear only on newsstand copies since issues have already been mailed to subscribers.

And with that crumbles the last vestiges of the playboy persona Hugh’s worked so many decades to cultivate. He’s not America’s swingin’ bachelor, flanked by beautiful women who adore him; he’s an unwitting punchline, a sad, old man that got cuckolded and played like cheap banjo, surrounded by whores who tolerate him for a chance at brief notoriety. Still being to wipe himself is about all he’s got going for him now.

The New Not Mrs. Crystal Hefner nude:

Christina Aguilera announced yesterday that she had canceled the summer tour for her new album Colonic Bionic to focus on her acting career. Live Nation released the following statement:

Christina Aguilera’s summer tour has been moved to 2011 due to prior commitments that the singer had made to her film, ‘Burlesque,’ and to the promotion of her new album, ‘Bionic.’ The singer felt she needed more time to rehearse the show and with less than a month between the album release and tour dates this wasn’t possible.

But of course, that’s not the real reason it’s been “postponed.” The Daily Mail says

There has been speculation that the disappointing response to Aguilera’s new album and poor sales of concert tickets are the real reason for the cancellation.

Despite attempting to promote the new record by posing naked for the cover of GQ magazine and releasing a racy video for single Not Myself Tonight, Bionic only reached a disappointing number 23 on the U.S. album charts last month.

The reported poor sales will undoubtedly be a blow to Aguilera, who had attempted to reinvent herself for the new release. ‘Bionic’ is her first album since she took time off to have her son in 2008.

It’s been two years since she’s been on the radio? Really? Huh. I can honestly say I didn’t realize it’d been that long. It’s not like there was a conspicuous absence of Top Forty puke on the airwaves. The New Babylonian machine makes sure to maintain the ranks — one shitty pop artist is replaced by another shitty pop artist before you even noticed the first one went missing. Time to face facts, Xtina: you’re totally expendable. Just like the Alaskan coastline and West Virginia coal miners.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but… Kanye West’s and Lady Gaga’s “Fame Kills” tour has been canceled. Yeah. I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself. According to Rolling Stone

The primary reason “Fame Kills” was nixed: sluggish early numbers. Ticket sales “sucked,” to point where “‘sucked’ happens to be a nicer version of the word,” TMZ writes, adding Gaga’s and West’s people were allegedly “at each others throats.”

But Gaga’s choreographer, Laurieann Gibson, tweeted:

Creative differences!!!

“Creative differences” my foot. I bet they just couldn’t agree on which one them got to be the man.

Lady Gaga being Lady Gaga:

After months of dismal ratings and rumors of cancellation, TLC has confirmed that “Jon and Kate Plus Eight” will now officially become “Kate Plus 8.” I guess “Cunty McBeaverson Rules the Roost” really didn’t resonate with test audiences. TLC said in an official statement (via the New York Post):

“Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family. The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers. [As for Jon], he will continue to appear on the show, but on a less regular basis.”

Wow, can you say “snoozefest 2009?” Because I can’t. On account of the my soft palate and hard palate not fusing together when I was born. It mostly just comes out as a lot of hissing and spit.

Scarlett Johansson’s Mango ads because they’re sexy and Kate’s not: