The thing that sucks about winter is you get way less hot bikini action than you do in the summer. Fortunately, Victoria’s Secret has taken it upon themselves to rectify that injustice by putting pics of Candice Swanepoel in a bikini in their holiday catalog. Which ultimately begs the question, is that a yule log in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? Beats the hell outta ten lords a-leaping, I can tell you that.

Victoria’s Secret supermodels Candice Swanepoel and Erin Heatherton were aptly dressed for the launch of their latest Angel fragrance and the Dream Angels bra at the Victoria’s Secret in SoHo yesterday. All I know is if I’m ever on the operating table and I code, this better damn well be what I see when I go into the light. Anything else will make heaven a giant disappointment.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Look, ladies! This issue of Marie Claire South Africa is gonna teach you how to love your body, flaws and all, by putting the very ideal of feminine perfection Candice Swanepoel on the cover in a tiny swimsuit. That way you’ll realize just how much your body sucks and that no matter how hard you exercise or diet you’re not gonna ever, EVER look like that and stretch marks never go away and gravity hates your tits and you’re getting older with every passing day. Unless that issue comes with Prozac and a bottle of Jack, I’m canceling my subscription.

Victoria’s Secret model Candice Swanepoel has a sexy ten-page spread in next month’s issue of Vogue Brasil, which really makes me wish I hadn’t gone with Vogue Ecuadorial Guinea. And I was so sure malaria and the Tsetse fly were gonna be this season’s must-have accessories!

These pics of Candice Swanepoel in the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog don’t have anything to do with anything, but they’re not Lindsay Lohan, so here you go. Consider it a little something to wash down the taste of that last post. Besides, I figured you might have wanted to see someone whose hair is blonde instead of her teeth for a change.

Hey, what’s the exact opposite of Kristen Stewart in a full suit of armor? Candice Swanepoel in a sexy cowgirl outfit. Meet the yin to her yang. Now I have brought balance to the internet, just as the prophecy foretold!

You might remember that I posted some pics from this bikini shoot back in August, and now we’ve got the finished product to admire. Those pics confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt that Candice Swanepoel looks just as good in real life as she does in these overshopped catalog pics. Needless to say, I fucking hate her and I hope she dies in a fire. The end.

More pics after the jump:

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In Candice Swanepoel’s defense, you try and find a top that goes with neon yellow vinyl lace-up pants. Fortunately, nipples go with everything. I’d even go as far to say that they’re this season’s accessory du jour, from the French meaning “hey, look — boobs!”

From her Steven Meisel photoshoot:

This is my third Victoria’s Secret swimsuit catalog photo shoot post in the last 24 hours. Third. Honestly, what more can I say about a gorgeous blonde model in a bikini? The proverbial well has run dry! By which I mean, “I ran out of vodka.” BRB.

In Candice Swanepoel in St. Barth’s:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Oscar winning star Joe Pesci is suing the producers of the new Gotti movie starring (Lindsay Lohan and John Travolta) for $3 million dollars, claiming they offered him a title role in the film but then dumped him after he’d already gained weight for the part. The Daily Mail says:

Pesci claims he was offered the part of Angelo Ruggiero and agreed to a $3m deal.

In preparation for the role he gained almost 30lbs to help play Ruggiero, who was well known for his heavy and stocky build.

But in legal papers filed in Los Angele, [Pesci] claimed he was dropped from the role and offered a lesser role and reduced salary.

The lawsuit claims the producers of the film Gotti: In the Shadow of My Father used Pesci’s name and status to drum up support for the project.

The lawsuit says: ‘Defendant has no intention of paying (Pesci) $3 million or having him portray Ruggiero in the film. Rather, plaintiff secretly planned to use (Pesci’s) name and likeness to promote the film and then to later concoct some pretext for terminating the contract so as to avoid paying plaintiff anything for the substantial publicity and “buzz” that was generated.’

If Joe Pesci wants to sue anybody, he should start with the dipshit that got him a role in the same movie as Lindsay Lohan and Vinny Barbarino. Agent FAIL.

Candice Swanepoel in Victoria’s Secret’s new exercise line because Joe Pesci is old and not sexy:

Victoria’s Secret is launching a new line of “Very Naughty” Outfits with model Candice Swanepoel, seen here dressed as a sexy, uh… crow, I think. Or possibly a raven. I don’t know. Really, she could be any one of the large passerine birds common to North America. I think that’s part of the fantasy.

Tom Ford’s new Fall 2011 campaign “Night Temptress” (no, seriously, he named it that) stars gorgeous Victoria’s Secret model Candice Swanepoel, and this is all he’s got to show for it. Hipster glasses, 80′s makeup, bleached eyebrows — it doesn’t even look like her anymore. I think somebody owes Dee Snider and Paul from “The Wonder Years” a big fat royalty check.