In the last month alone, Amanda Bynes was involved in two “driving mishaps” in addition to being arrested for driving under the influence. Fast forward to this past Friday afternoon, and the 26-year-old “actress” sideswiped a truck with her Range Rover but neglected to exchange her insurance information with the driver. Mostly because she never stopped or even noticed she’d struck another vehicle. People magazine says:

“At 4:25 p.m., we were notified of a possible hit-and-run,” LAPD Sgt. Ben Zucker [said]. “The caller followed Miss Bynes for a short distance to a gas station.”

“It turned out the damage to the pick-up truck was so minor that… we decided not to charge her with hit and run. [Instead officers] took a traffic report and sent her on her way. There were no arrests made and no one was injured.”

Statistically speaking, the only actress more dangerous behind the wheel of a car is Lindsay Lohan. I’d sooner trust a one-eyed chicken on a tricycle steering with only its beak to pedal me down the Santa Ana freeway before I’d get in a fucking car with either one of those bitches.

Hungover last week:

Jackass star Ryan Dunn was reportedly three sheets to the wind and going 100 miles an hour when he slammed his Porsche into a tree early Monday morning, killing himself and his passenger instantly. People Magazine says:

A few hours before his accident, Dunn had three Miller Lites and three “girly shots” at a bar close to where he died in Pennsylvania.

One bar patron tells the site that Dunn was “wasted.”

Additionally, while the TV personality and his pals were drinking, the activities were posted in a photo that has since been taken down from Dunn’s Twitter page.

After news of Dunn’s death became public, legendary film critic Roger Ebert tweeted, “‘Jackass’ star Ryan Dunn, RIP. His Porsche flew through 40 yards of trees. Friends don’t let Jackasses drink and drive.” Naturally, blogger Perez Hilton — who is well-known for his tact and sense of decorum — couldn’t let that one go without making it about himself. Radar Online says:

In response [to Ebert's tweet], blogger Perez Hilton wrote, “Everyone makes mistake, and this is somebody’s son. Too soon, Roger.”

And Dunn’s Jackass co-star Bam Margera [also tweeted]: “I just lost my best friend, I have been crying hysterical for a full day and piece of shit roger ebert has the gall to put in his 2 cents about a jackass drunk driving and his is one, fuck you! Millions of people are crying right now, shut your fat fucking mouth!”

“Shut your fat fucking mouth?” How exactly is he gonna do that, considering he had half of his jaw removed after being diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer and has to use a feeding tube to eat? The difference here is that Roger Ebert didn’t lose half his face because he chose to pound purple hooter shooters and then drive it into a tree. He got cancer. There’s your “too soon,” jackass.

UPDATE: Turns out he was going 130 miles an hour when he crashed. Hard to believe that someone who starred in “Jackass” would ever do something so stupid and reckless.

This is all that was left of his Porsche 911 GT3:

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was on his way to practice at Gillette Stadium in Boston this morning when he was involved in a serious car accident. Radar Online says:

Eyewitnesses told Boston TV station WHDH that the football star had a green light and the mini-van allegedly ran a red light, leading to the collision.

Officials said that the equipment known as the “jaws of life” was used at the scene on one of the vehicles involved.

Brady — who was described as being shaken, banged-up, and possibly having whiplash — refused to be taken to the hospital, but the driver of the other vehicle, reportedly a mini-van, was taken to the hospital.

Thank goodness he’s okay. I wouldn’t want anything to get in the way of his riding the coattails of his receivers or looking for a flag every time he gets hit. Stomping off the field crying isn’t something they can just teach you in practice, you know.

With wife Gisele and their new baby:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

Nearly three months after the news of his car-accident-turned-whorefest broke, Tiger Woods is finally addressing the incident publicly for the first time. According to TMZ

Tiger Woods will speak publicly at the PGA Tour Headquarters on Friday at 11:00 AM ET.

According to Tiger’s agent, Mark Steinberg, Tiger plans to apologize for his behavior and discuss his plans for the future.

Steinberg said no one will be able to ask questions during the news conference. There is a report out that Tiger will read a prepared statement.

And the following message was posted on Tiger Woods’ official website yesterday:

“While Tiger feels that what happened is fundamentally a matter between him and his wife, he also recognizes that he has hurt and let down a lot of other people who were close to him. He also let down his fans. He wants to begin the process of making amends, and that’s what he’s going to discuss.”

Sorry, but I think it’s too little, too late at this point. Unless he’s planning on pulling down his pants and showing he’s wearing a titanium chastity belt with armored 40H Mortise locks, I doubt anyone’s going to buy what he’s selling.

Nicole Richie was rear-ended by paparazzi yesterday afternoon while on her way to… eh, who really cares. The New York Daily News says

“Ms. Richie was driving with a passenger around 2 p.m. when she was struck by two photographers driving in one vehicle behind her,” said the Beverly Hills Police. “Her car sustained moderate damage. No paramedics were called to the scene.”

Richie, 28, reportedly complained of pain, however opted to skip going to the hospital to see her own private doctors. Her two children were not in the vehicle.

The unidentified driver, who rear-ended the new mom, was arrested and booked for driving without a license.

The real joke in all this is the dumbass paparazzi, who lost his car and possibly his illegal immigrant status under the misguided notion that people actually care about seeing pictures of Nicole fucking Richie. Just like how one might say I am under the misguided notion that you actually want to read about what happens to Nicole fucking Richie. Well-played, readers! Well-played.

In the October issue of Vivi magazine (like you really give a shit):