Nicole Richie was rear-ended by paparazzi yesterday afternoon while on her way to… eh, who really cares. The New York Daily News says

“Ms. Richie was driving with a passenger around 2 p.m. when she was struck by two photographers driving in one vehicle behind her,” said the Beverly Hills Police. “Her car sustained moderate damage. No paramedics were called to the scene.”

Richie, 28, reportedly complained of pain, however opted to skip going to the hospital to see her own private doctors. Her two children were not in the vehicle.

The unidentified driver, who rear-ended the new mom, was arrested and booked for driving without a license.

The real joke in all this is the dumbass paparazzi, who lost his car and possibly his illegal immigrant status under the misguided notion that people actually care about seeing pictures of Nicole fucking Richie. Just like how one might say I am under the misguided notion that you actually want to read about what happens to Nicole fucking Richie. Well-played, readers! Well-played.

In the October issue of Vivi magazine (like you really give a shit):

Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps totaled his Escolade last night after speeding through a red light and into another woman’s car. According to the Daily Mail

Fortunately, the man dubbed the ‘human dolphin’ [and the two passengers traveling in his Cadillac Escalade] were not injured, [but] the other driver was ‘shaken up’ by the incident and taken to a local hospital as a precaution.

A report claimed that Phelps was speeding before the accident and ran a red light, resulting in the two-car collision.

Police spokesman Anthony Guglielmi confirmed that the athlete had been interviewed by police and alcohol was not a factor.

Maybe he wasn’t drunk, but there’s still a good chance he was high. But lucky for him, unless the cops smell it, there’s no way to test for marijuana on the scene. My attorney told me finding an economy sized bag of Funions in the passenger seat and Dark Side of the Moon in your disc player doesn’t mean shit in a court of law. So you can suck it, coppers!

UPDATE: In the name of journalistic integrity, I feel compelled to report that it was the other driver who ran the red light, not Michael Phelps.

The father of John Graziano — the young marine left in a vegetative state after Nick Hogan’s 2007 car crash — was arrested yesterday for hiring a hit man to kill his estranged wife. Edward Graziano reportedly attempted to pay the hit man with a personal check and a thirteen-dollar gift card to a local pizzeria. You can’t make this shit up. According to TMZ

According to police, Edward Graziano told an undercover officer posing as a “go-between” to a hit man that he wanted to have his wife Debra killed. Perhaps most troubling — cops say Graziano wanted her killed in an automobile accident.

Graziano allegedly paid for the hit with $1,100 cash, a $1,000 personal check and a $13.06 gift card to Westshore Pizza.

$13.06 in coupons may not sound like much, but you have to take into consideration that Westshore pizza joint makes a killer Sicilian-style pie. They use real pecorino cheese and everything. I’d say that’s gotta be worth at least one human life, maybe two if they bypass traditional dough for focaccia. It’s not really fair to judge ’till you know all the facts.

The family of John Graziano — the young marine left a vegetable after Nick Hogan parked his Supra inside a palm tree last summer — has released hospital footage of their son in response to Hulk Hogan’s repeated claims that “John was injured so that God could make him a better person.” The video is graphic and disturbing and shows a man in the prime of his life reduced to drooling and blinking in a hospital bed, but you know, maybe Hulk is right. Maybe John and his family aren’t exploring all their options here. I’m sure there could be a rewarding life ahead of him as a comic book villain called “Crater Face” or as bowl for the family’s loose change and car keys. And to think, his parents dared to paint him the victim in all this! People can be so fucking ungrateful sometimes.

Britney Spears was involved in a minor car accident on the 101 Freeway in L.A. Saturday night. The California Highway Patrol report says that Britney “attempted to brake but failed to stop her vehicle,” rear-ending the Nissan in front of her and pushing it into a third “older model vehicle.” Britney later passed the field sobriety test, so if she wasn’t drunk or high at the time of the crash, what exactly went wrong? According to TMZ

Minutes before Britney Spears caused a three car crash on an Saturday night, she was… putting on her makeup behind the wheel!

The [man she hit] says before the accident, he was admiring the white Mercedes and the woman putting on makeup while driving it. It wasn’t until after she hit him at an estimated 10-15 MPH that he realized the woman was Britney.

The Cleburne County Fair later got hold of the accident pics and set them up in a booth under a banner that read “You done heard of lipstick on a pig. Now watch as the pig puts on its own lipstick — while drivin a car!” Fair attendance reported record highs and sales of Mary Kay and pork products in Herber Springs are rumored to have tripled.