The family of John Graziano — the young marine left a vegetable after Nick Hogan parked his Supra inside a palm tree last summer — has released hospital footage of their son in response to Hulk Hogan’s repeated claims that “John was injured so that God could make him a better person.” The video is graphic and disturbing and shows a man in the prime of his life reduced to drooling and blinking in a hospital bed, but you know, maybe Hulk is right. Maybe John and his family aren’t exploring all their options here. I’m sure there could be a rewarding life ahead of him as a comic book villain called “Crater Face” or as bowl for the family’s loose change and car keys. And to think, his parents dared to paint him the victim in all this! People can be so fucking ungrateful sometimes.

Britney Spears was involved in a minor car accident on the 101 Freeway in L.A. Saturday night. The California Highway Patrol report says that Britney “attempted to brake but failed to stop her vehicle,” rear-ending the Nissan in front of her and pushing it into a third “older model vehicle.” Britney later passed the field sobriety test, so if she wasn’t drunk or high at the time of the crash, what exactly went wrong? According to TMZ

Minutes before Britney Spears caused a three car crash on an Saturday night, she was… putting on her makeup behind the wheel!

The [man she hit] says before the accident, he was admiring the white Mercedes and the woman putting on makeup while driving it. It wasn’t until after she hit him at an estimated 10-15 MPH that he realized the woman was Britney.

The Cleburne County Fair later got hold of the accident pics and set them up in a booth under a banner that read “You done heard of lipstick on a pig. Now watch as the pig puts on its own lipstick — while drivin a car!” Fair attendance reported record highs and sales of Mary Kay and pork products in Herber Springs are rumored to have tripled.