I’m sure you woke up this morning with several unanswered questions churning inside your head — “What day is it?” “Where am I?” “Is that pee?” and “Who won the American Country Music Awards 2009 Entertainer of the Year?” Well, worry no more, my friends. All the answers you need are right here. People Magazine says

Carrie Underwood became the first woman since 2001 to be named ACM entertainer of the year – and only the seventh female to win the Academy of Country Music’s top honor since it was first handed out in 1970.

Underwood also took home the award for top female vocalist, a repeat of last year’s win.

The answers to the rest of your questions are: Monday, a Tijuana bus station, and yes, respectively. Now might be a good time to check your anus for fissures.

Marisa Miller:

Kelli Pickler:

Leann Rimes:

Taylor Swift:

Carrie Underwood:

Nicole Kidman, Matthew McConaughey, Miley Cyrus and lots more after the jump.

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The Grammy Awards were last night, and they were a total snoozefest.  Admittedly, I was powerfully hungover all day yesterday, but I watched the Grammys and they were so boring that I swear I fell asleep at least nine times before they finally ended.  Every performance that wasn’t Radiohead sucked, and  nearly everyone looked like ass on fire.  The header pic is Coldplay, who (naturally) showed up looking particularly jackassy.  Nothing awesome happened at all, and if there were any funny acceptance speeches then they were during my bouts of unconsciousness.  Here’s a round-up of the shiny, the slutty, and the strange.

Carrie Underwood looked super boring, but otherwise okay I guess:

Miley Cyrus was dressed like she was attending the funeral of her own dignity:

Taylor Swift was in mourning with Miley, apparently:

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The People’s Choice Awards were last night, and I’m sure like a vast majority of Americans, I was not watching. Fortunately for us, lots of pictures were taken so we can critique them at our leisure. People Magazine was on hand to record the happenings.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie clearly have the people’s vote.

The two were among the big winners at the 35th Annual People’s Choice Awards Wednesday night at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles. Pitt was named favorite leading man at the ceremony, while Jolie was voted favorite female action star.

While neither accepted their honors in the flesh, plenty of stars – including Carrie Underwood, Katherine Heigl and the hosts of Dancing with the Stars (winners of the favorite competition/reality show) – collected their trophies in person during the two-hour ceremony which was hosted by Queen Latifah.

I know you really don’t care about who won what, so let’s move on to the important stuff, shall we? Here’s a sampling of who attended last night:

Dakota Fanning:

Annalynne McCord:

Teri Hatcher:

Carrie Underwood:

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The 42nd Annual Country Music Awards were last night, and I’m guessing you — like me — don’t really give a shit. But People Magazine thinks you do! They say:

Kenny Chesney earned the prestigious Entertainer of the Year award for the third year in a row on Wednesday. Four-time nominee Brad Paisley didn’t just host and perform at the ceremony – he was one of the night’s major winners, including Male Vocalist and Music Video of the year for “Waitin’ on a Woman.” The singer’s co-host, Carrie Underwood, was named Female Vocalist of the Year for the third year in a row.

I’ve tried to like country music — I really have — but I just can’t seem to do it. Frankly, the only way I could have found this show any more boring is if it also included a symposium on “The Effects of Agricultural Diversification on the Economic Structure of Uzbekistan” as performed by the cast of High School Musical 3.

Taylor Swift looking fantastic in Kaufman Franco:

Reese Witherspoon in Marchesa:

Carrie Underwood in Roberto Cavalli:

Nicole Kidman and faggy husband Keith Urban:

Shania Twain (hot) vs Faith Hill (NOT):

Jewel in Roberto Cavalli and Miranda Lambert:

The newly Asian Diana Degarmo:

Kellie Pickler in Zuhair Murad and Lee Ann Womack:

Country singer Carrie Underwood reportedly has a new man in her life — Dr. Travis Stork from ABC’s “The Bachelor!” Yeah, I have no idea who the fuck that is. According to the Post-Chronicle

25-year-old country singer Carrie Underwood has recently been seen canoodling with Dr. Travis Stork in New York City! Stork, 36 has a Nashville connection, having practiced ER medicine at Vanderbilt Medical Center.

Carrie Underwood reportedly set the sexy doctor man up with an all-access backstage concert pass for one of her gigs recently.

“All access,” was it? From what I remember from my freshman year, that’s just music industry talk for “you can put it in the butt while the drummer tapes it.” That Carrie Underwood is one dirty little slut!

Double your pleasure: Carrie unveiling her wax figure at Madame Tussauds last week:

Good thing they don’t give out medals for ass-banditry, because fourteen-time Olympic medalist Michael Phelps would have snagged another gold for snatching up a hot piece of Carrie Underwood. The Enquirer says

Michael was over the moon after hearing a rumor that the one-time American Idol thinks he is “cute.” According to celebrity tattles on-site at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, the twentysomethings are frequently texting each other and have already begun planning a “quiet first date” near Carrie’s home in Nashville, Tennessee.

The 23-year-old athlete told Carrie, “I’m not so sure you’d want to see me eat! It might not make a great first impression.”

You wanna know what does make a really good impression on a first date? Home video of that time you danced Agamemnon at Jacob’s Pillow. Gets you to third every time. Wait, “third” is still “masturbating alone with your mom’s Cosmopolitan,” right? Yeah, third base, every time. Guaranteed.

In all his Olympic glory, for Laura:

There was plenty of shockingly awful (see futuristic Tina and Beyonce, above) fug at last night’s Grammys awards show. I find that like stink on a gorilla, fashion disasters seem almost intrinsic to an award show. The more stink, the merrier.

And speaking of stink, let’s start with Nas and girlfriend Kelis, promoting his new album “Nigger” and what’s sure to be a big hit with college-educated African-Americans everywhere — his new fashion line NegroWear!^TM:

Rihanna did her best wounded exotic bird in a ruffled cobalt blue Zac Posen disaster. I see they got the feathers, but for the tar, try Nas’s NegroWear!^TM brand lynchin’ tar:

Miley Cyrus and her devil eyes showed up in a white sequined Celine dress and hair extensions she forgot to curl:

Beyonce donned a hideous beaded tulle Elie Saab gown she probably borrowed from Candyland’s Princess Frostine:

Melissa Joan Hart’s dress is okay; her hair color, lack of makeup and general fatness are not. I know she’s pregnant, but that’s way too much bloat:

Cher came in costume as Goth Cowardly Lion.

Carrie Underwood’s floral Zuhair Murad isn’t great, but it isn’t fabulous, either. It’s the hair helmet that bothers me. It looks like a damn tranny wig:

The Bland and Borings American Music Awards were last night, and I, like you, really don’t give a shit. People magazine regales us with

The American Idol vibe was alive and well at the 35th Annual American Music Awards. Idol alum Carrie Underwood picked up three more trophies… for favorite country album, favorite country female artist and an audience text-in award for favorite artist.

Chris Daughtry, the other nominated Idol, joined his eponymous band Daughtry at the podium three times as they won favorite pop-rock album for Daughtry, as well as breakthrough artist and adult contemporary artist. The night’s other big winners included Akon (soul/R&B male), Rihanna (soul/R&B female), and Justin Timberlake (pop/rock male and soul/R&B album).

Well, I distinctly remember Color Me Badd winning an American Music Award in ‘92. Same goes for Michael Bolton (’93), Kenny G (’94), and Ace of Base (’95). So instead of doling out an American Music Award, you could just hand Carrie Underwood a couple of dog turds laying in a pile of glitter and and call it a day. I’m sure it would mean just as much.

Carrie Underwood:

Kellie Pickler:

Rihanna:

Fergie: