Jessica Alba whores out debuts little Honor Marie Warren in this week’s issue of OK! and opens up (ha ha) about the whole birthing process:

“I didn’t scream,” Jessica tells OK! “It was really Zen. The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused.”

And Cash could only marvel at his wife’s quiet strength when she gave birth. “She didn’t make a sound,” he says. “It was amazing.”

Then he added, “Except for the part right before she crowned and her vagina started bulging like it was being inflated with a bicycle pump or something and her perineum tore straight down to her anus and blood and mucous started gushing everywhere and she crapped herself. Yeah, that part wasn’t so much ‘amazing’ as it was ‘vomit-inducing and life-time scarring.’” Then he gave a nervous little laugh and grabbed the camera by the lens and whispered, “For God’s sake, man, if the doctor asks if you want to see the placenta, just start running the other direction. Run fast. Run far. Trust me on this one.”

Jessica Alba married long-time boyfriend and father of her no-longer-bastard child Cash Warren in a civil ceremony in Beverly Hills yesterday. People Magazne says

Warren arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m, applied for a marriage license and waited for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them. They were casually dressed, with Alba wearing a long blue dress and her hair back in a ponytail. Nobody else attended the wedding.

Well, it’s like they say — “Give a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” May their love burn bright the rest of their days! Or until they file for divorce two years down the road due to “irreconcilable differences.”

With her mom last week:

For every knocked up actress in L.A. getting engaged, there’s a decade-old Hollywood marriage hitting the skids. The NY Daily News reports

A pregnant Jessica Alba is getting hitched to her baby daddy. Alba, 26, was spotted sporting a sizable rock on her left hand over the holidays and her rep confirmed Thursday she and aspiring producer Cash Warren, 28, are engaged. No date is set for the nuptials and insiders say the pair may hold off until the baby is born.

But then People magazine reports this morning:

Sean Penn and wife Robin Wright Penn are divorcing, their rep, Mara Buxbaum, confirms to People exclusively. No other details were immediately available. The couple, who’ve been married 11 years, have two children together, Hopper Jack, 14, and Dylan Frances, 16.

I’d normally say something about Sean Penn’s anti-American antics being the cause of his divorce, but I recently became an anarchist, so I’m gonna say it has more to do with his mustache. Yikes. As for Alba, well, I predict months of marital bliss before she catches him with an underage Thai boy and a two pounds of hashish. None of it will matter when the Bilderbergs orchestrate the New World Order, anyway. Not even the mustaches. Hope you all wanted police states for Christmas, ’cause that’s what you’re getting! Also probably fruitcake and over-the-limit fees. After all, ’tis the season for credit card debt and conspiracy theories.