Actress Catherine Zita Zeta-Jones showed up to a UN Gala event in New York two days ago looking like she’d fallen face-first into a barrel of bronzer and gigantic pores. God damn. When did she get so greasy? And zitty? She’s looks like an fucking Oompa Loompa with reverse five o’clock shadow. Michael Douglas must have left his top hat and Everlasting Gobstoppers back in the car with Charlie.

Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones enjoyed a seaside holiday with old-ass husband Michael Douglas last week. Word on the street is that our Ms. Jones got some new bosoms for Christmas. And by “word on the street” I mean “something I pretty much made up but am, like, 80% sure is true.” And if it’s true, well, then, those are some of the sorriest fake tits I’ve ever seen. It’s like they’re both trying to escape — one heads west for the armpit while the other goes the way of the bellybutton. You know, opposite directions to confuse the captor. The much ballyhooed but rarely-ever-witnessed booby strategy. That said, it’s pretty fucking easy to fool a string bikini. Everybody knows they’re the dumbest bathing suits of all.

More confounding boobery after the jump.

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