In news that really isn’t news, drugs were a major factor in Whitney Houston’s untimely death. You can return to your regularly scheduled program. TMZ reports,

An official for the L.A. County Coroner’s Office just stated … Whitney Houston used cocaine immediately prior to her death.

Coroner Chief Craig Harvey just held a news conference — claiming the toxicology results suggested Whitney was a “chronic” cocaine user.

Harvey described the cocaine level in Whitney’s system as “acute” — indicating Whitney used the drug not long before she accidentally drowned in a bathtub at the Beverly Hilton hotel last month. “Accidental drowning” is listed as Whitney’s official cause of death.

According to Harvey, the autopsy revealed a 60% narrowing of Whitney’s arteries — a direct result of the chronic cocaine use. Harvey claims the artery constriction led to a cardiac event before her death.

As for the other drugs in her system — marijuana, Benadryl, Flexeril, and Xanax — which Harvey claims were all at or below therapeutic levels … and did not significantly contribute to her death.

It would all be pretty cut and dried, except for the fact that someone was able to rid her room of all incriminating evidence before the cops showed up:

Sources connected to Whitney Houston who were with Whitney the day she died tell TMZ … an individual removed all traces of cocaine from the room before authorities arrived.

The Coroner’s Office says Whitney used cocaine “immediately prior to her collapse.” Investigators who arrived on scene found no traces of cocaine or any other illegal substance.

One source who is extremely close to the situation tells us … the individual who removed the cocaine was also the person who supplied it to Whitney.

That has to be a lot of coke to narrow your arteries by 60%. Hell, she must have had so much of that shit in her system she farted white powder. It would be like that America’s Funniest Home Videos clip where the baby farts and sends a baby powder-loaded fart into the air, except of course it’s a lot cuter and there isn’t a cardiac arrest and inhalation of bath water involved. That doesn’t go very well with the family demographic.

Elizabeth Banks, Malin Akerman and Milla Jovovich at the Restoration Hardware Spring launch in LA:

A coroner’s report released in London today lists Amy Winehouse’s official cause of death as “an unintended consequence of drinking too much alcohol.” The NY Daily News says:

Coroner Suzanne Greenaway gave a verdict of “death by misadventure,” saying the singer had voluntarily consumed alcohol and risked the consequences.

A pathologist told the singer’s inquest Wednesday that Winehouse had consumed a “very large quantity of alcohol” and was more than five times over the legal drunk-driving limit when she died.

Five times the legal limit. Jesus. I bet her liver was the size of a fucking Christmas ham. She practically embalmed herself.

Amy Winehouse’s dad had been telling the papers for weeks now that Amy wasn’t on the bad shit when she died, and newly released toxicology reports confirm that there were no illegal drugs in her system at the time of her death. Booze, yes; crack cocaine, no. A rep for the family released the following statement (via TMZ):

“Toxicology results returned to the Winehouse family have confirmed that there were no illegal substances in Amy’s system at the time of her death.

Alcohol was present but it cannot be determined as yet if it played a role in her death.

The family would like to thank the police and coroner for their continuing thorough investigations. They await the outcome of the inquest in October.”

Before you mouth WTF?! and raise your eyebrows in disbelief, note that they said no illegal drugs were found in her system. Operative word here being “illegal.” Vicodin, xanax, ketamine and oxycodone and are all perfectly fucking legal. So is model airplane glue, VCR head cleaner, and gasoline. I bet the toxicology reports show you could use her liver to make your own Molotov cocktail.

The official results of Corey Haim’s autopsy have not been made public, but his mother claims it was actually pulmonary congestion and heart problems that killed him, not an overdose. According to People Magazine

Judy Haim says the coroner called her to disclose the actor suffered pulmonary congestion. [The] autopsy also found he had an enlarged heart along with the water in the lungs.

What role those factors played, if any, in Haim’s death isn’t known. L.A. Coroner Chief Craig Harvey notes, “There is no final cause of death at this time.”

Shortly before his death Wednesday at age 38, Haim complained of flu-like symptoms and had a high fever. The actor had long suffered from heart problems.

And God knows he was doing all he could to combat his flu-like symptoms — smoking crack five times a day instead of just three, and washing down his Xanax and Percocet with a bottle of vodka every six hours as directed. I guess it’s just one of those medical mysteries that will never really be solved. Damn you, science, for failing us once again!

Andrew Koenig, only best known for his role as Boner Stabone on “Growing Pains,” was found dead in Vancouver, Canada yesterday. He had been missing for two weeks. TMZ says

Walter Koenig — father of Andrew Koenig — [confirmed that] his son, who had been missing since February 14, took his own life.

A police spokesperson said Andrew’s body was found in Stanley Park in Vancouver. The spokesperson said they are not releasing Andrew’s cause of death yet due to the sensitivity of situation.

I’m surprised this hadn’t happened earlier, to be honest with you. Just google his name and see what comes up. See if you can find one entry that doesn’t have the word “Boner” in it. You can’t! I tried. Being branded “the guy who played Boner Stabone” the rest of your adult life is cross no man should have to bear. This was really a long time coming.

And in honor of “boners” everywhere, Marisa Miller and friends in next month’s issue of British GQ:

Adam “DJ AM” Goldstein was found dead of an apparent drug overdose in a New York City apartment on Friday night. He was 36 years old. According to Yahoo News

Friends reportedly went to check on the celebrity DJ after not hearing from him for several days, but contacted authorities when they could not get a response after knocking on his door on Friday. Around 5:24 PM local time, authorities responded to a call at 210 Lafayette Street, following a 911 call of a “possible unconscious male.” After arriving at the residence, authorities discovered a 36-year-old white male “unconscious and unresponsive.” Paramedics also arrived on the scene and declared the male dead on arrival. Foul play is not suspected at this time and a medical examiner will determine the cause of death.

TMZ adds:

Law enforcement sources [say] when they found the body of DJ AM, a bag of crack was found around his groin area… and a glass “crack pipe” was found in his bedroom. The pill bottles were found in the kitchen.

And People Magazine says

Within the past few weeks, Goldstein, 36, split with model Hayley Wood, and the situation had left him an emotional wreck.

“She ended it, and he didn’t want it to end. The breakup hurt him. He hadn’t been in a good place lately. For the past week, he wasn’t really around, he was keeping to himself, and he was blowing people off,” says [a] source.

On Thursday, he Tweeted a lyric from Grandmaster Flash: “New york, new york. Big city of dreams, but everything in new york ain’t always what it seems.”

I think we could all do well to remember the words of my husband when I told him Adam had died: “Who the fuck is ‘DJ AM’? Was that the fat one from Salt ‘n’ Pepa?” And sign of the cross… amen.

Blink 182′s tribute to Adam Saturday night:

There have been all kinds of rumors about Michael Jackson’s failing health and the cause of his death — everything from skin cancer and emphysema to chronic gastrointestinal bleeding — but his family is sure that today’s autopsy will reveal that he was killed by a large dosage of the painkiller Demerol. Michael had been taking all kinds of painkillers in preparation for next month’s O2 Arena tour, and the injection coupled with the additional pills ultimately resulted in cardiac arrest. The Daily Mail says

There is growing speculation today that the catastrophic cardiac arrest was triggered by an injection of the painkiller Demerol. Those close to the star believe it is an addiction to prescription drugs as he prepared for the gigs in London that killed him.

‘Michael had broken a vertebrae performing and he had broken his leg in a fall from the stage. I don’t know the extent of the medications he was using but the reports that we have been receiving in the family were that it was extensive,’ said a source.

One Jackson family source said he was ‘just not able to pick himself up out of the painkiller stupor’ that he was in. He had been ‘doped up to his eyes’ for several weeks with anti-pain prescriptions… and [painkillers] had taken over his life.

One side effect of their abuse is a heart attack.

It might have seemed like it was a long time coming, but I’m sure it was hard for his family to even recognize his signs of drug abuse. For Chrissakes, “Normal Michael” slept with a chimpanzee and lived on an amusement park and carved up his nose like a Christmas ham every four to six weeks. I doubt “strange behavior” and “excessive paranoia” put up any red flags.