Welcome to the Brave New World, boys and girls — Barack Obama has officially been elected the 44th President of the United States, garnering 349 electoral votes to John McCain’s 162. Democrats now control both the House and the Senate. And who do we have to thank for this historic political shift? Why, rapper Sean “P. Diddy Puff Daddy Puss Whiffy” Combs! He told reporters (via Yahoo News)

“I felt like my vote was the vote that put [Barack Obama] into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote. I just felt like, Martin Luther King, and I felt the whole civil rights movement, I felt all that energy, and I felt my kids.”

I, for one, am grateful to live in a nation where famous people decide things for me. What to wear, what to watch, how to vote — just imagine all the actual thinking we’d have to do if it weren’t for celebrities! Germany might have had its “Gestapo” and Russia its “KGB” and the Wal-Mart its “Military Detection of Anti-Homeland Activities,” but nothing sways a pliable public quite like bare boobs and pec implants. Long live the Tabloid Secret Service!

The T.S.S. electing the new president:

As Election Day nears, you can expect to see more and more celebrities spouting off political rhetoric like the pompous blowhards they all are. I’ve always been of the opinion that celebrities should shut the hell up and get back in their cages and dance like the monkeys they are. They’re here to entertain — possibly show us their tits and/or beaver — not to educate the masses. Come on. Like I’m going to take the guy who got his salad tossed by a dog in “Booty Call” seriously. Please.

So, anyway, enjoy the requisite slew of celebrities in a four-minutes-too-long public service announcement urging you to register to vote. Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry and Forest Whitaker, just to name a few. Bottom line — vote or don’t vote. Whatever. Both bastards are pretty much the same useless puppets of the Bilderberg New World Order. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Everybody knows the only real hope for change is open revolt and exile. Just ask South America!