Jennifer Love Hewitt will tell anybody who’ll listen that she’s a size 2, but in the immortal words of Shakira, “Hips don’t lie,” my friend. And apparently, neither do thighs.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

You know, there’s way too many hot women posted on this site. You lose perspective. You take it for granted. You start to think that everyone can look like Sofia Vergara or Kelly Brook. That’s why you need to look at these pictures of Roseanne Barr in a swimsuit as a type of penance for taking the good for granted. Call it a visual self-flagellation of sorts. If you really feel penitent you can click on the thumbnails below for that extra measure of misery.

Take your punishment!

Mary J. Blige’s ass decided to soak up some sun poolside in Miami this week. Before wrapping things up, it decided to have a quick bite to eat, vigorously chomping down on her bikini bottoms. Not satisfied with that, it also ate some children, a decorative palm, and a tray of food off a waiter’s hand. The waiter, whose hand was badly damaged in the fray, was quoted as saying, “I was just about to serve a customer a double cheeseburger and chocolate milkshake, when Ms. Blige’s ass attacked me. It opened up and sucked in the tray, and my hand was caught with it. It started swallowing more and more of my arm, but a quick-thinking coworker attacked it with a lit tiki torch. I think the ass hairs caught on fire, making it lose its grip momentarily. I’m lucky to be alive.”

I’ve got two words for Lily Allen: HELL and NO. That is all.

Punishing her fans in Sydney, Australia yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

Jessica Alba had a kid awhile back and now instead of scowling her way through interviews, she spends her time yammering on like she survived a war or something.  From The Huffington Post:

Jessica Alba covers February’s ‘Self,’ and inside she talks about her 19-month-old daughter, Honor, the havoc pregnancy wreaked on her previously perfect body and what she would do if she wasn’t an actress.

Alba can next be seen in the ensemble romantic comedy ‘Valentine’s Day,’ out February 12.

On coming to terms with her imperfect body:

“Pregnancy was the most incredible experience I’ve ever had. So I’ll take the stretch marks. I’ll take the sagging boobs. I’ll take the cellulite I can never get rid of. If you walk around with your head held high and you’re happy and positive, then all that other stuff is irrelevant. Confidence is number one.”

Jessica Alba’s not exactly a lumpy, droopy fatass, so it’s not like she’s got some “ruined body” to be crying over or anything.  I get what she’s saying and it’s a nice enough sentiment, but let’s get real.  These aren’t major flaws she’s embracing, so I think we can all agree to hold off awhile on her humanitarian award for changing the perception of beauty.

Rihanna had a busy night last night, performing at the Brixton Academy with Beyonce and Jay-Z before hitting up Nozomi for a little sushi, and then partying at Mahiki nightclub until 3am. And somewhere in the middle of all those comings and goings, she found time to make a replica of her lower torso entirely of chewed bubble gum and cottage cheese. I bet it’s a real conversation piece.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

When I saw these pictures of Mischa Barton arriving to the set of “The Beautiful Life,” my heart instantly leapt into my throat and choked me up. Ha ha, I’m kidding. It was really vomit. Everybody knows I don’t actually have a heart.

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News Online

Has-been Tara Reid showed off her stunning physique in a metallic bikini in Miami over the weekend. And I mean “stunning” here in the most sarcastic way possible. Really, I could probably fashion a less disgusting set of thighs using nothing but warped VCR tapes and globs of partially-coagulated butterscotch pudding.