I’ve got two words for Lily Allen: HELL and NO. That is all.

Punishing her fans in Sydney, Australia yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

Jessica Alba had a kid awhile back and now instead of scowling her way through interviews, she spends her time yammering on like she survived a war or something.  From The Huffington Post:

Jessica Alba covers February’s ‘Self,’ and inside she talks about her 19-month-old daughter, Honor, the havoc pregnancy wreaked on her previously perfect body and what she would do if she wasn’t an actress.

Alba can next be seen in the ensemble romantic comedy ‘Valentine’s Day,’ out February 12.

On coming to terms with her imperfect body:

“Pregnancy was the most incredible experience I’ve ever had. So I’ll take the stretch marks. I’ll take the sagging boobs. I’ll take the cellulite I can never get rid of. If you walk around with your head held high and you’re happy and positive, then all that other stuff is irrelevant. Confidence is number one.”

Jessica Alba’s not exactly a lumpy, droopy fatass, so it’s not like she’s got some “ruined body” to be crying over or anything.  I get what she’s saying and it’s a nice enough sentiment, but let’s get real.  These aren’t major flaws she’s embracing, so I think we can all agree to hold off awhile on her humanitarian award for changing the perception of beauty.

Rihanna had a busy night last night, performing at the Brixton Academy with Beyonce and Jay-Z before hitting up Nozomi for a little sushi, and then partying at Mahiki nightclub until 3am. And somewhere in the middle of all those comings and goings, she found time to make a replica of her lower torso entirely of chewed bubble gum and cottage cheese. I bet it’s a real conversation piece.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

When I saw these pictures of Mischa Barton arriving to the set of “The Beautiful Life,” my heart instantly leapt into my throat and choked me up. Ha ha, I’m kidding. It was really vomit. Everybody knows I don’t actually have a heart.

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News Online

Has-been Tara Reid showed off her stunning physique in a metallic bikini in Miami over the weekend. And I mean “stunning” here in the most sarcastic way possible. Really, I could probably fashion a less disgusting set of thighs using nothing but warped VCR tapes and globs of partially-coagulated butterscotch pudding.