While filming his new Roman epic that I’ll never see “The Eagle,” Channing Tatum’s man-bits were accidentally scalded with boiling water. Rest assured, my offer to kiss it and make it better still stands. The Daily Mail says:

Tatum had been scrambling through freezing rivers and lakes for his role as Roman officer Marcus Aquila in the Scottish Highlands.

The only relief against the icy water during filming was a small wetsuit. An assistant would then pour boiling water from a kettle mixed with cold river water down the wetsuit to warm the 29-year-old up.

However on this occasion the assistant forgot to add the river water.

‘I pretty much burnt all the skin off my penis,’ Tatum [said]. ‘The pain… you just can’t understand. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s like suffocating.’

Channing later went on to say, “Funny thing was, when the doctor saw how raw and red and covered with lesions my penis was, he just assumed I’d had sex with Lindsay Lohan and gave me a shot of penicillin in the ass. We all had a good laugh about it later!”

You know how I know you’re gay? You’re Channing Tatum in the March issue of GQ magazine.

Here’s one for the ladies, mainly myself, because it’s mah berfday today. I’d much rather prefer a naked Hugh Jackman or have Clive Owen glowering at me, telling me I’ve been a naughty little minx, but there is a shocking lack of male pap pictures, probably because they’re all a bunch of stupid men who like to take pictures of women. Anyhoooo, Channing Tatum to me is the equivalent of a vapid bimbo, who gets roles in movies because he’s pretty. But beggars can’t be choosers, so voilà! Here is Mr. Vanilla.

Channing Tatum is featured in the January 2010 issue of Details magazine, and the article tells a heartwarming story about the time he burned the living hell out of his junk:

Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. It looks like a hot dog that’s been left too long on the grill. The tip is hot-pink, singed, and shriveled. It appears angry. And it’s painful to view. My penis hurts just from looking at it. Movie stars tend to be vain, by nature and profession, but Chan—that’s what everyone calls him—does not mind one bit showing me his sad, withered wiener.

Tatum has recently returned from Scotland, where he was filming a Roman battle epic called The Eagle of the Ninth, directed by Kevin Macdonald (The Last King of Scotland). The role is a familiar one: For the fourth time in his brief career, Tatum plays a soldier—this one from Rome’s legendary Ninth Legion. “It’s really a beautiful story of trust and honor and friendship,” he says. He nods thoughtfully, then lets out a laugh. “But I’ll never shoot a movie in Scotland again. Ever.”

Tatum was pretend-soldiering one raw, wet October day in the Scottish Highlands. The action required him to wade in ice-cold water, which, despite a high-tech wetsuit, could be withstood for only a few minutes. “The only way to keep warm was by pouring a mix of boiling water and river water down your suit. We were finally done shooting for the day, and one of the crew guys asks if I want to warm up before I go. I’m like, Nah, I’m good. And then I thought, Why not? Thing is, he’d forgotten to dilute the kettle water. So he poured scalding water down my suit. And I was trying to pull the suit away from my body to somehow get away from the boiling water, and the more I pulled the suit away, the lower the water went. It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick.”

“It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life,” he says, flipping through photos on his iPhone until he lands on a grainy snapshot of a scorched member. His scorched member. “I’m good . . . now,” he says with a grin. “Now my penis is fantastic! One hundred percent recovered. Put me back in the game, Coach.”

Tatum was rushed to the nearest hospital—an hour away. Before long, the ice pack he was applying to the burn lost its chill. “I said to the driver, who was ex-special-forces Marines, ‘You might have to knock me out, because I don’t know if I can take the pain. Just grab something and hit me on the back of my head.’” Morphine finally KO’d the agony, and a team of doctors salved and bandaged his wound. “I had five guys looking at my shriveled, burned penis,” he says proudly.

The full article (which you can read here) is pretty extensive and includes all sorts of things like Tatum’s upcoming role in Dear John with Amanda Seyfried, his weight gain between roles, his marriage to Jenna Dewan, his childhood stutter and severe depression caused by medication he took for ADD, his chronic shirtlessness and former career as a stripper.

In the January 2010 issue of Details magazine:

Remember the kid from Billy Elliot? Well, I bet you don’t remember him looking like THIS.  Dancing does a body good, you guys.  This is Jamie Bell, and he’s all kinds of grown up in these production stills from The Eagle of the Ninth.  The movie also stars Channing Tatum, but until Mr. Tatum takes his shirt off, I’m way more interested in young Mr. Bell over here.

In case you didn’t think the new G.I. Joe movie sucked hard enough, “star” Channing Tatum is bringing a new kind of shame to the the table — the naked kind. Best served warm and in your face! Us Magazine says

[We have] obtained a video of Channing Tatum, 29, dancing in a Chippendales-style revue called “Male Encounter” in 1999.

Then 18, the star performed under the alias Chan Crawford.

He was so impressive [during his year-long stint in a now-defunct Florida nightclub] that he caught the eye of a female casting agent who put him in Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs” music video.

So from all-male review to Ricky Martin’s casting couch. How’s that for climbing the proverbial ladder? Jacob’s ladder (NSFW), that is. I’d say any ladder having to do with some dude’s freshly shorn ball sack is probably a safe bet here.

Look at these pictures and tell me this guy’s not gay: