In what Denise Richards is sure to think is a direct retaliatory assault on her character, Charlie Sheen announced yesterday that wife Brooke Mueller is pregnant with twins. According to Us Weekly

Charlie Sheen and his wife are expecting twin boys. In June, the pair joked that they were hoping for triplets. “Could you imagine if I really had triplets? He’d be like, ‘Whoa!’” Mueller told Extra.

For the record, this may be the first time the words “Charlie Sheen” and “twins” have been used in the same sentence without the words “anal” and “dressed as cheerleaders.”

Denise at Moscow Fashion Week yesterday:

PHOTO CREDIT: Mavrix Photo

Twins that probably do both “anal” and “dressed as cheerleaders,” Karissa and Kristina Shannon:

PHOTO CREDIT: Splash

Denise Richards was in court yesterday morning to request an emergency order restricting ex-husband Charlie Sheen’s access to their two daughters, citing a psychologically damaging “issue” in his home. According to TMZ

They told the judge there’s a serious issue in Charlie’s home that could have an adverse impact on the kids. The issue, we’re told, is psychological and Denise wants professionals to evaluate things. In the meantime, she doesn’t want her kids hanging around there.

Three guesses says the psychological detriment in the home happens to rhyme with “binflatable moll.” This is Charlie Sheen we’re talking about. It’s not hard to imagine a few things you might find lying around the Sheen household that could be emotionally scarring to children. Christ, I can think of ten right off the top of my head. Naturally, I made a list for you:

TOP TEN PSYCHOLOGICALLY DAMAGING ITEMS YOU’D FIND IN CHARLIE SHEEN’S HOME:

10. Intimate Synergy^TM spinning sex swing

9. Naked pictures of John Cryer

8. Syringes full of injectable cocaine

7. Authentic Ginger Lynn Pocket Pussy

6. Loaded 9 millimeter

5. Closet full of dead hookers

4. Professional Sports Handicappers on speed dial

3. Pom-poms that double as anal bead/gag restraints

2. An IV bag full of Crown Royal

and the number one psychologically damaging item you might find in Charlie Sheen’s home:

1. Extended director’s cut edition of “Men at Work”

Denise in Maui back in April:

Voicemail recordings that Charlie Sheen left for ex-wife Denise Richards three years ago mysteriously surfaced on the Internet yesterday. Of course, they’ve been yanked as fast as they mysteriously appeared, but being the serious investigative journalist I am, I managed to obtain the transcript of his message left on Tuesday, April 19, 2005:

Yeah, I just got your other email and I am a little confused because you told me that was something you only told a couple of people, and this and that, and I just, again you continue to be deceitful and mischievous and sneaky, and you’re a fucking liar. Okay. You’re a fucking liar. So, you know what it’s like, fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You’re a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never fucking talk to you again you fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright, so fuck you.

In response, Charlie apologized in a written statement released Wednesday, saying:

“I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings. Three and one-half years later, the reasons that caused the anger and frustration displayed on that voice mail continue to be manifested on a daily basis because my children did not show up today for a custodial visit without explanation.”

Well, in his defense, “tar baby” and “spook” are so clichéd. It’s like you’re not even trying, really.

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are headed back to court — this time over whether to vaccinate their two children. TMZ says

Charlie is convinced vaccinations are poison. We got hold of a threatening letter Charlie’s lawyer sent to the pediatrician last month, advising him Sheen did not consent to any treatment and promising legal retribution if he doesn’t listen.

Apparently, the doctor for the kids has been siding with Denise.

Well, at the very least, those girls both need an inoculation for the HPV virus. Chances are they’re going to acquire it when they get knocked up as teenagers and begin the descent into exotic-dancers-turned-porn-star-drug-addicts. And also the vaccine for “fucking crazy.” As soon as it’s invented, of course. Science should really get on that.

Denise at the Pediatric AIDS Foundation on Sunday:

For a woman who claims she’s so over Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards sure seems desperate for details about his May 30th wedding to Brooke Mueller. MSNBC says

The former Mrs. Sheen personally phoned the OK! magazine offices for an advance copy of this week’s issue, which features Sheen’s wedding on the cover. “She was feverishly trying to get her hands on a copy. She wanted to prepare herself for what she was going to see on the newsstands,” said the source.

Richards did photo shoots with OK! both during and after her marriage to Sheen.

I thought the trailer for the new movie “The Women” really embodied the sad pathetic-ness of the whole situation. “The Women” is about four friends — Annette Bening, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Meg Ryan and Debra Messing — who band together when Meg’s husband is caught cheating with a perfume girl (Eva Mendes). It’s like they took the projected demographic for “Sex and the City” and then took away the sex, added twenty or so pounds, a bitter divorce, bunions, and an undying love for Oprah and all things jersey knit to equation. Factor in the numbers of screens in the mid-west and symbol π and you’ve got yourself a bonafide formula for “dumpy middle-aged divorce movie magic.” You can’t forget the π, though. It’s one of the most important mathematical constants. And also because lonely overweight divorcees really like pie. They get pretty angry when they don’t have it.

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are still taking turns humiliating each other via the media, with Denise telling Page Six this morning:

“Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he’s going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold. His response was, ‘I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.’”

And regarding that unfortunate sperm-request email that Charlie now wants to have analyzed by experts on live TV?

“I don’t want Charlie’s prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We’ll leave it at that. I am so over him. He’s the one who can’t move on. He’s disgusting and he’s hit an all-time low.”

You know, there’s the high road, and there’s the low road. And then there’s sewer lines swollen with gallons of human excrement just underneath the low road. See if you can guess exactly where Charlie and Denise are at this point.

Cancerous retard leaving the CW11 morning show yesterday:

Denise Richards hit the talk show circuits earlier this week and denied that she had ever asked ex-husband Charlie Sheen for a post-divorce sperm sample, adding that “any email Charlie claims to have suggesting otherwise is a fake.” Charlie responded to her unsavory allegations in kind by mass-faxing a copy of the email in question to every media outlet in the Western Hemisphere. Rush and Molloy obtained their own copy courtesy of Chuck, and it reads as follows:

“Dear Brooke [Charlie's new fiance],

I don’t want to have a baby with Charlie. I am having a baby in the next year. By myself … my girlfriend suggested Charlie be the donor. So, I did bring this up to him. There are so many couples having unhealthy children. Charlie and I have very beautiful healthy children together. I was strictly looking for a sperm donor, if it’s any of your business. If it were him, I said we would sign a document that he couldn’t come after me and I couldn’t come after him … this wasn’t to have sex with him, it was him donating … that’s it. “

Jesus, all this fuss over a couple of tablespoons of freakin’ spooge. A thinking woman would have paid Lupe the Bunny Ranch housekeeper twenty dollars American to take a putty knife to the walls in the Jungle Room and collect the scrapings in a mayonnaise jar full of 2.5X Buffer/random octamer mix. Of course, nobody’s ever actually accused Denise Richards of being a “thinking woman.” Therein lies the rub.

On TRL yesterday:

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are going back to court tomorrow over yet another custody rights issue involving their two daughters. Page Six says

Denise Richards, ex-wife of Charlie Sheen, wants to star in a reality show, along with the former couple’s two daughters, Sam, 3 and Lola, 2. Sources tell PageSix.com that Charlie “is absolutely 100% vehemently opposed to this.”Denise has decided to take her plight to the judge tomorrow afternoon in a Los Angeles Family Court. She wants to have Charlie’s parental rights essentially revoked in making this decision.

A man who spent $53,000 on prostitutes and nearly six grand on a blow up sex doll has some balls denying anybody their whoring rights. So maybe hers are less of the “unquenchable lust” variety and more of the “souls of their children” type. Doesn’t matter. A whore’s a whore’s a whore. It’s the same reason you can’t pit Paris Hilton against Pam Anderson or Marion Barry against Amy Winehouse in an Ultimate Cage Fight. You’d just wind up ensconced in an unwinnable battle in some theoretical no-man’s land, or what I like to call “the venereal in a crackhead sandwich.” Trust me, it’s not nearly as glamorous as it sounds.

UPDATE 1: Denise wins! Look for the whorefest coming soon to the E! Network.

UPDATE 2: Alert reader/sex doll aficionado Exyank pointed out that Charlie’s doll was NOT, in fact, inflatable, but instead made out of some high-tech polymer. A thousand apologies.

Denise Richards at the Boom Boom Room Baby Gifting Suit on January 12th:

Charlie Sheen maintained the “high road” position in his ongoing custody battle with ex-wife Denise Richards with several eloquently worded emails he sent her way. Page Six reports

“You are an evil piece of [shit]. I can’t wait to tell the world what a piece of [shit] you are. You don’t get a [fucking] dime till this is resolved,” Charlie Sheen wrote to Denise Richards in an e-mail the actress included in documents filed last week in L.A. Superior Court in the couple’s custody battle. “You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go [fuck] yourself sad jobless pig,” reads another. “Go cry to your bald mom, you [fucking] loser,” says a third e-mail. Richards says in her court filing that she was particularly hurt by the one about her mother, who is undergoing chemotherapy treatments for cancer.

Ah, the much ballyhooed but rarely ever witnessed your-mom-has-cancer burn. Like, “Your mom’s had so much radiation she glows at night” or “Your mom’s so cancerous she smells like Interferon and Methotrexate.” And don’t let’s forget the un-top-able “Your mom’s cancer’s so bad she died when she was thirty-two.” Zing! Burn, mothafucka!