Despite both he and wife Jada Pinkett-Smith denying that they are Scientologists, Will Smith’s new school in Calabasas is causing all kinds of negative Scientology-themed press. Several teachers are members of the Church of Scientology, and the school is implementing teaching methods developed by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. The L.A. Times says

The school is not being honest about its links to Scientology. Many concepts on the school’s website are specific to Scientology — the school lists a “Director of Qualifications” and another teacher who is an assistant in the “Qual” department. The “Qual” is where people who have completed a Scientology “auditing.”

“Children are inculcated with Scientology jargon and are led to regard L.R. Hubbard as an authority figure. They are laying the groundwork for later bringing people into Scientology,” says Ron Reynolds, executive director of the California Association of Private School Organizations.

Frankly, I’d say that’s proof enough, but I’ve developed a list of other telltale signs that your child’s school is being infiltrated by Scientologists, just to be safe. Ten telltale signs, to be exact.

TOP TEN WAYS TO REALLY KNOW IF YOUR CHILD’S SCHOOL IS SCIENTOLOGIST

10. Placenta and Barley Formula is on the school menu.

9. “Battlefield Earth” is required reading

8. The auditing course has nothing to do with taxes

7. “Intro to Psychology” replaced with “Intro to Dianetics”

6. “Fair Game” is the standard in all organized sports

5. Grades are given in gradients from OT I to OT VIII

4. Required school supplies include glue, a ruler, and an E-meter

3. The “ARC triangle” and the “KRC triangle” have nothing to do with geometry

2. Approved field trips include a visit to The Freewinds and New Life Improvement Center in Plant City, Florida

and the number one way to know your child’s school is really Scientologist:

1. Tom Cruise is the principal

Will Smith’s co-star Charlize Theron at the “Hancock” premiere in Hollywood yesterday:

Actors Seth Rogen and James Franco made a big stink last night when they “pretended” to spark up a doobie on stage at the MTV Movie Awards. Seth and James claimed the fake J they shared was provided by MTV as part of a skit to announce the Best Summer Movie So Far category. The NY Daily News says

Before TV audiences could see them smoking, the cameras pulled to an extremely wide angle, and stayed that way until Rogen and Franco left the stage. “Kids, don’t really smoke fake weed like this,” Rogen told the crowd. Despite Rogen’s claim, the sweet scent wafting through the Gibson Amphitheatre suggested the herb was real.

MTV officials declined to comment on the dope-smoking stunt.

I see we’ve applied to the Howard Stern school of thought, where “shock value” magically equals “funny and cutting edge.” Instead of pretending to smoke pot, Seth and James should have maybe tried pretending to kill themselves instead. At least that might have actually been funny. Especially if there was a man in a bee costume who shrugged his shoulders and blurted, “Que idiotas!” before being hit in the groin with a football. 100 million Mexicans can’t be wrong!

For a list of the night’s winners, click here

Megan Fox as her usual foxy self:

Charlize Theron in the Tin Man’s lingerie collection:

Yawn. Lindsay Lohan:

Pretty in pink Liv Tyler with Mrs. Potato Head:

Anne Hathaway in pleather and Sarah Jessica Parker bringing back go go:

Esquire magazine has named actress Charlize Theron the Sexiest Woman Alive, saying

Close on Charlize’s face. Her eyes hold the gaze of the camera directly, disarmingly… She looks like a person who knows exactly what’s going on — everything sorted and rich in the possibility of desire, everything painful and cheap, cruel and unspoken in the world around her — and it does not scare her.

But wait… there’s more.

Close on Charlize’s mouth, her lips bent in her particular smile, sexy and knowing, a little bit leering, just sweet enough that you feel wont to assume some connection, some secret between you. This is the big trick of sexiness. The big lie. But it’s no trick at all for her. She bites down on the pack of cigarettes and unspools the cellophane with her teeth, a luscious and familiar dissection.She devours whatever she looks at, without greed or arrogance, simply because the world delights her.

Blah blah blah it goes on for pages. The rest of the article goes something like this:

“You run your hands in a sinewy stream over your own erect penis and over the ripe derrière spread before you. You can’t, mustn’t deny yourself. plunging ever deeper to move in syncopated rhythm. The boy cries out in anguish, relief, clenching around your throbbing phallus in a velvety vice. See, that means his ass. You’re putting your wiener in his ass. Right in the pooper. And you like it. A lot. Because you’re gay. Incredibly gay. How do I know you’re gay? Because you were reading fucking Esquire, dude. That makes you a fag. Fact.”

You can find this article and more in next month’s Esquire — on newsstands now!

More of Charlize’s sexy spread after the jump

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