Lindsay Lohan is telling everyone who’ll listen just how sober and serious about her career she is now, but she spent most of Sunday night in a Chateau Marmont bathroom stall and staggering around slurring her words. Funny, I did the very same thing Sunday night, except I was at Denny’s. Radar Online says:

The Mean Girls star was with friends at the infamous watering hole/hotel and was spotted going to the bathroom frequently.

“Lindsay was spotted going to the restroom with a male companion on numerous occasions in a short amount of time,” an eyewitness [said]. “When the two of them emerged from the bathroom, Lindsay was giggling and her nose appeared red. Lindsay was spotted only drinking water in the lounge area, but she appeared to be loaded on something, and she seemed under the influence. Lindsay’s eyes were glassy and her pupils were constricted.”

A second eyewitness [added] that Lohan, wearing a plunging v-neck black dress sans bra Sunday night, was “definitely on something. She was slurring her words, and needed help walking at one point.”

Well, it’s like they say, “A leopard can’t change his spots.” Especially if those spots are actually sores and freckles.

Out in L.A. without a bra. Surprise:

Lindsay Lohan tried to have Avril Lavigne tossed out of the Chateau Marmont last week after Avril called her a “loser” in front of a bunch of people. Please hold your eye rolls and condescending sighs until the end. According to Page Six

An eyewitness [said]: “Avril was at a table with friends when Lindsay came over to say hi.

But as soon as she approached, Avril launched at her and said: ‘Get the hell out of my face, you are fake, you are a loser. I don’t like false people. Stay away from me and my friends.’

Lindsay was furious and screamed back: ‘Don’t threaten me!’ She then stormed off to security and tried to get them to kick Avril out. They refused to force Avril to leave. Lindsay eventually stormed off.”

Sources tell us that the feud kicked off when Lohan snubbed Lavigne at an event — but sidled up to her acting friendly once Lavigne was sitting with a group at the Chateau Marmont days later.

The source added: “It seemed like she was just being friendly to Avril because she was with people Lindsay wanted to impress.”

If Forrest Gump and Lenny from Mice and Men had a kid and dropped it on its head, it still wouldn’t be half as stupid as these two twats. Welcome to the Aristotelian archetype for “functionally retarded.” Try not to shit yourselves or eat a box of crayons while you’re here.

Lindsay and her sister last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

Lindsay Lohan did what any girl who had just been dumped and publicly humiliated would do — she called a tabloid magazine to discuss the breakup at length. According to Us Weekly

“It’s absolute hell,” Lohan [said] in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls where she was both agitated [and] crying. “The worst night of my life. I’m not a bad person and this is what happens. Everyone’s turned on me.”

She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said “Uck,” and Drea De Matteo said, “Come at me, bitch.”

“I’m a f–king 22-year-old girl who’s in love,” she says. “I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse: Mean Girls was a movie.”

Sources tell the magazine Ronson had repeatedly tried to break up with Lohan over the past month, but each time, “Lindsay threatens to kill herself.”

Lohan laughs upon hearing that, saying she’s okay.

“I’m just really hurt!” she says. “The whole situation is sick.”

I agree. The whole situation is sick. At least the part involving Samantha Ronson’s vagina, anyway. I bet it looks like a couple of clam strips that spent the last six months pickling in a big jar of brine and broiling under a heat lamp, all shriveled and dehydrated and curled up on themselves like really long flesh-colored raisins. That bitch is straight-up disgusting.