It’s that special time in Jude Law’s life — the time when a man reaps the wages of being too drunk to use a rubber when he banged some skank he picked up at a bar. I’m pretty sure Hallmark makes a card for it. His spokesperson said in a statement:

“Jude Law can confirm that, following a relationship last year, he has been advised that he is to be the father of a child due in the fall of this year. Mr. Law is no longer in a relationship with the individual concerned but he intends to be a fully supportive part of the child’s life. This is an entirely private matter and no other statements will be made.”

Make no mistake about it: God punishes you for having sex with fat chicks. Just ask Tom Arnold.

Looking just as surprised that he has fans as I am:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Actress Salma Hayek gave not only of her time and her money on a recent mission trip to Afrcia — she also gave of her breasts. Yep, you read that right. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. According to USA Today

“[There was this] baby [that] was perfectly healthy, but the mother didn’t have milk. He was very hungry. I was weaning Valentina, but I still had a lot of milk that I was pumping, so I breast-fed the baby. You should have seen his eyes. When he felt the nourishment, he immediately stopped crying.”

That little trick doesn’t just work with babies, you know. It works with men, too. Whenever they start whinin’ and bitchin’ about something ridiculous, just pop a titty¹ out and shove it in their stupid face until they stop making noise. It usually takes about two or three minutes, depending on their lung capacity, and it helps to have already taped his hands to the couch. And you also have to make sure your areola is covering both the nostrils and the mouth hole, or it won’t work. You know you’re golden when the feet stop twitching. Presto! Now the bastard will never bother you again. We could all learn a lesson in kindness from Salma Hayek.

¹_{Those of you with anything less than a C cup might wanna stick with an iron skillet and a bag of arsenic.}

At the National Board of Review last month:

File this one under “Ewwww”: Gossip Girl star Kelly Rutherford is still breast-feeding her two-year old son. Page Six says

The 40-year-old pregnant mother [said] she still nurses her walking, talking 2- year-old son, Hermés. “It’s an amazing bond with your child,” she said, even pointing out that the experience benefits her body.

Um, okay. Another amazing bond with your child? The umbilical cord. But there’s a reason you sever those kinds of bonds. Nobody wants to play with the kid who breaks out his mom’s tits during snack time, just like nobody wants to play with the kid dragging around a smelly old placenta on a dried-up string. Besides, the name “Hermés” alone is probably enough to make him the resident school bus spitball target. That poor bastard was doomed from the start.

At the 36th Annual International Emmy Awards:

Picture source: SPLASH NEWS