Now that Michael Jackson is dead, ex-wife and surrogate mother Debbie Rowe is no longer bound to the confidentially agreement he paid her to sign. Her first order of business? Revealing that Michael was not the biological father of the children. She told News of the World

“I went to the… medical clinic [and] they impregnated me. It’s just like I impregnate my mares for breeding. Just like I stick the sperm up my horse, this is what they did to me. I was [Michael's] thoroughbred.

[But] it wasn’t Michael’s sperm.”

So how did their equine-metaphor-laden romance come to such an untimely end?

“We never had sex. He never wanted to live with me. That’s why he bought me a house. There was always ‘my house’ and ‘his house’, never ‘our house’.

The [second] delivery was so hard. My insides were all torn up and I was barren. When he knew I couldn’t have any more babies he didn’t want anything to do with me. He took the kids. The settlement was written up, and he just wanted me to be quiet.”

Which was probably a good thing, because she said of the children:

“I never felt any attachment to them. I got paid for it, and I’ve moved on. I was never cut out to be a mother. I don’t want these children in my life. My [horses] are my children.”

You know the kids are relieved to hear that. There’s a good chance if one of them had broken a leg that she would’ve taken them out back and shot them.

UPDATE: Us Weekly is now reporting that Michael’s mother Katherine Jackson has been granted temporary custody of the children.

Here’s a real shocker for you: Madonna’s unquenchable narcissism and obsession with working out makes her a less-than-ideal mother! Astounding, I know. According to Madonna’s former chef and house manager Eric Ienco, her children are lucky if they get to see her Madgesty for more than a half hour a day. He told the National Enquirer

“It’s a puzzle she wants to adopt again. She’s hardly ever with her children. She’s got two full-time nannies and one part-time nanny. So why adopt a kid if somebody else is raising them?

[Her day is rigidly planned --] she gets up and has a coffee, then she does two hours of yoga. Then there’s two hours of Pilates and exercise. That’s six days a week.

After that, she deals with her e-mail, her calls and the rest of her business. And after that, she spends maybe half an hour with the kids. If Lourdes comes in and says, ‘I want to see Mom,’ she is told, ‘She’s doing yoga’ - and Lourdes knows she can’t disturb Mom.

Madonna puts herself before her kids. When she adopted little David, he arrived at her home from Africa - and three hours later, she left to do Pilates. Wouldn’t you think she’d want to spend the entire day with her new son?”

There’s only one plausible reason she’s so desperate to adopt — viable pluripotent stem cells harvested from fresh kiddie organs. Mama doesn’t need a new pair of shoes; she needs a new liver and organic dermal reconstruction!

After swearing off marriage until gay people have the right to wed, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may end up tying the knot after all. She told the Italian edition of Vanity Fair

“Usually people fall in love and everything revolves around the ritual of marriage, children are an afterthought. We did everything backwards. But sooner or later it will be the kids who ask us [to get married]. You know, they see films and start asking questions. Such as, “Why are Shrek and Fiona married and you’re not?”

Ah, Shrek! I’ve learned many important life lessons from that movie. Namely, that it’s perfectly normal to have to have pets that talk back to you and that one day, giant cookies will join forces with us in our fight to overthrow the establishment. Don’t let your psychologist tell you any different!