Now that her vagina has lain dormant for a grueling three weeks, Kate Hudson has magically rekindled the “closeness” she once had with her ex-husband, Chris Robinson. Just how close, you ask? Well, genital contact close. She tells the October issue of Cosmo

“Look — [Chris and I are] still basically living together! We’ve figured it out. I mean, obviously, nothing’s perfect, but I could never look at [our divorce] as a mistake. If anything, it’s the best thing that ever happened to us.”

Trust me, the only way their child could be any more scarred by all this is if he started brushing his teeth with a curling iron and juggling knitting needles on the interstate. At least when you lose an eye to the ol’ knit-and-pearl you never have to consider how your mom’s insatiable need for cock factored into your current family dynamic.

Kate Hudson made it four days after getting dumped by Lance Armstrong before being photographed sucking face with ex-husband Chris Robinson. Yep, four whole days! This has to be some kind of new record. A source told OK! Magazine

“They were really affectionate with each other and gave each other a kiss which lasted much longer then a platonic kiss should last — 20 seconds, maybe a little longer. The kiss was more than just friends. They seemed like something more going on.”

A pal of Kate’s tells OK!, “She and Chris have always been close and she turns to her exes after most of her breakups.

This reminds me of that classic fairy tale “Donkey Cabbages:”

A huntsman gave an old woman alms. She told him if he swallowed the heart of the dead bird, he would find a gold coin by his pillow every morning. He came to a castle where an old witch lived with her beautiful daughter. The witch knew about the bird’s heart and gave the man a drink, and the bird’s heart came up.

The huntsmen rode off on a cloud [that] bore him a cabbage garden and he ate some. It turned him into a donkey. He found a different patch of cabbage, which turned him back into a man. He took both kinds of cabbage back to the castle and gave [some to the witch and her daughter] and they became donkeys. The huntsmen sold the donkeys to a miller, telling him to give the old one one meal a day and three beatings, and the youngest three meals and no beatings.

After a time, he came back. The miller told him that the oldest was dead. The huntsman bought the youngest donkey and turned her back into a woman. They married.

Now, doesn’t that tale remind you of Kate Hudson? Not because of the actual story or anything. Because the term “donkey cabbage” is such a good euphemism for Kate Hudson’s vagina. I don’t imagine you take turns playing host to that much cock without a little labial droopage and bunching from time to time.

In Santa Monica July 14th: