The premiere of Terminator: Salvation happened last night, and I hope y’all are prepared for this movie to come for you and your wallet.  It’s got pissed off machines trying to kill the whole world and Christian Bale trying to stop them amidst a special effects extravaganza.  It’ll pretty much be the cinematic equivalent of an orgasm so strong it makes your eyes roll back in your head.  There will be no escaping its siren song.  You will fork over your $10, and then you’ll probably do it again a few days later and thank it for the pleasure of pilfering you.

Christian Bale with his wife, Sibi:

Bryce Dallas Howard:

Anton Yelchin:

Moon Bloodgood:

Sam Worthington:

Christian Bale finally spoke out on Friday on KROQ’s Kevin and Bean show to apologize for his expletive-ridden rant on the set of Terminator Salvation. Seriously, hotness covers a multitude of sins, so his seemingly heart-felt and humble apology sanctifies him in my book.  In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen!

MSNBC recaps his apology:

“I have no confusion whatsoever, I was out of order beyond belief,” Bale told the Kevin & Bean show. “I was way out of order. I acted like a punk. I regret that. And there is nobody that has heard that tape that is hit harder by it then me.

“I make no excuses for it, it is inexcusable. And I hope that that is absolutely clear,” Bale said.

“Nothing could be farther from the truth. I’m a lucky … I don’t want to swear … I’m a lucky s.o.b. I never forget that and that is why I put so much into what I do. Please, if anybody ever sees that I really am thinking that I’m better than anybody else, stick a fork in my backside, turn me over, I will be done. That is not me.”

For those of you who haven’t seen Family Guy’s spoof on his rant:

Remember that little story about Christian Bale going berserk on the “Terminator Salvation” photography director for inadvertently walking on the set in the middle of his scene? Well, the audio of the event has made its way online, and it’s even worse than you imagined:

Bale says “I want you off the fucking set, you prick.”

“I’m sorry,” [the director of photography] replies.

“No, don’t just be sorry. Think for one fucking second,” Bale shouts. “What the fuck are you doing? Are you a professional or not?”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, no. Am I gonna fucking rip your lights down in the middle of the scene? What the fuck is it with you? What the fuck don’t you understand? You got any fucking idea about… Hey, it’s fucking distracting having somebody walking up behind Bryce [Dallas Howard] in the middle of the fucking scene. Give me a fucking answer. What don’t you get about it?”

Oh, and that’s just a little taste. It goes on and on for about four minutes, with Bale threatening to quit the movie unless the director of photography is fired. It’s awful. Really, the only way he could seem like more of an asshole is if he ended it by kicking a puppy and telling an orphan with Downs Syndrome to go fuck himself.

Click here to listen to the audio

At the Dark Knight premiere in Japan with his wife Sibi:

The trailer for the new Christian Bale movie “Terminator Salvation” has hit the web, and boy does it look awesome. My only complaint is that it’s missing the naked oil rubdown and the extreme closeups of John Connor thrusting, which I consider elemental to the series. What do you wanna bet the fire marshal made the director put the kibosh on the sexy stuff? You know, so the fire departments wouldn’t have to concern themselves with the hundreds of panties that would inevitably drop to the floor on sight of Christian Bale’s magnificent nakedness, potentially blocking exits in crowded theaters? From what I remember about freshman year, panty-piles can be a real fire hazard. Same goes for hoarding tanks of nitrous oxide in your dorm room and making rivers out of Southern Comfort and cigarette butts in your roommate’s shower caddy. See, I did learn stuff in college! In your face, Mom and Dad!

Rejoice! Your faith in Christian Bale can now be restored — his mother and sister filed those unfortunate assault charges earlier this week after he refused them a $200,000 loan. It’s all starting to make sense now! According to The Sun

The women said sister Sharon needed [$200,000] to help her bring up her three children. Christian was asked to loan [it to] her but refused and that caused an almighty row. Sources close to Bale said Jenny inflamed the situation by hurling insults about his wife.

[His mother and sister say] they did not want any publicity. But they say he bullied them. They are both devastated that it has come to this but want him to be taught a lesson.

You can always count on relatives to show up at an inopportune time and start demanding money. Especially in my family, where the monetary demands occasionally come with a court-ordered paternity test. Did I mention I’m from the South? Woo doggie! Cue the banjo music and the moonshine jug any time now.

At the Dark Knight premiere in Spain (1 & 2) and in London:

It’s not looking good for Christian Bale.

Everyone was hoping that the Batman actor might have been arrested yesterday for verbally assaulting his mother and sister — what with England’s silly Class 4 and 5 “verbal assault with an intent to cause alarm” clauses — but no dice. It looks like there was actual physical contact between him and his mother. TMZ reports

We’re told Bale pushed his mom out of the way during an altercation. She was not hurt and did not fall down. There’s a division of opinion on whether the contact was a “push” or a “brush.”

Well, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I mean, who hasn’t wanted to push their nagging mother out of the way of the door so they could walk out of the room during an argument? So, it looks like this was all a big misunderstanding. Christian doesn’t have an unpredictable and violent temper. Right? Um, not exactly. TMZ goes on to say

Bale was on the set last Friday shooting “Terminator 4.” During a scene, the director of cinematography screwed up a shot — at least in Christian’s mind. Bale went ballistic, screaming “I will kick your ass” along with other choice remarks. Several hundred people heard the outburst — including Military Police — which was described as “intense.”

We’re told Bale was “extremely tired and having a bad day.”

Okaaay… I guess… so maybe the day of the assault was just another “bad day” for Christian. He’s not like that all the time. *crosses fingers* Right? The Daily Mail says

Christian can have a terrible temper. Instead of lashing out at his wife, he sometimes lashes out at people around him.’

Jesus, I give up. The only thing I got is that his mom was a former circus clown. And if there’s one thing my grandpa always told me, it’s that you can’t trust circus folk. He also told me that you couldn’t trust the Japanese and that redheaded people are lazy and that black people run faster than white people because they have an extra bone in their foot, so I wouldn’t exactly call him to the stand or anything. But hey, at least it’s something.

Batman actor Christian Bale had assault charges filed against him yesterday while in London for the British premiere of The Dark Knight. But here’s the shocker: the charges were filed by his own mother and sister. According to The Sun

He is alleged to have lashed out on Sunday night at Park Lane’s Dorchester Hotel where he has a suite. Mum Jenny, 61, and sister Sharon, 40, who lives in Dorset, went to a police station in Hampshire yesterday to lodge the allegation. The matter was referred to the Met Police. Detectives… are expected to quiz the Wales-born actor today.

I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Christ, I’d pay fifty dollars American to get smacked around by Christian motherfucking Bale. A hundred if he kept the Batsuit on. His mother and sister should be thanking him for the privilege, not bitching to the cops like a couple of ingrate stepchildren. Pearls before swine, I tell ya. Stinging, hand-print-leaving pearls before swine. Some people just don’t know how lucky they are.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that Christian has been arrested and taken in for questioning.