Christina Aguilera really knows how to boost her man’s confidence! Nothing says “I love you” like a backhanded insult to your manhood. I bet that really gives her husband Jordan Bratman a raging soft-on. Says The Sun,

The Beautiful star says she’d much rather spend time admiring the naked form of a female than a fella.

Christina insists Jordan - father of her 20-month-old son Max - is the one who “ultimately” presses all the right buttons.

But she’s adamant girls are “sexier” to look at.

She said: “I feel sexiest in the nude. I think women are such sensual beings.

“I mean, I’m attracted to men ultimately - I’m married and I love my husband and I love what we do together.

“But honestly, if I had the choice between viewing a naked man or a naked woman, I’d choose the woman.

“We’re just naturally sexier and more beautiful to look at.”

Well, as long as she ultimately remembers that she’s attracted and married to a man, what she does in the meantime doesn’t really matter, does it?

Picking out pumpkins with son Max:

Christina Aguilera stumbled out of the Chateau Marmont Thursday night looking like a down-on-his-luck tranny who’d been spoon-fed barbituates and bourbon all evening. Or as I like to call it, “breakfast with my father.” You can almost smell baby Max’s repression and closet cutting from here!

Just in time for the holidays, it’s Paint-by-Numbers Christina Aguilera! Part Fruitopia commercial, part down-on-his-luck drag queen — PBN Christina provides hours of fun for young and old alike. Your PBN Christina comes with a Cerebrex IV drip for the seizure-sensitive and two metric tons of foundation and powder. Style her, defile her, galvanic pile her! Wig and lashes sold separately.

At the Africa Rising soiree’ in London yesterday:

Baboon/drag queen hybrid Christina Aguilera launched her new fragrance “Inspire” at the Herald Square Macy’s in New York yesterday. As always, her tits were front and center. Well, not so much center, exactly. Maybe front and “decidedly askew.” Front and “one at five; one at nine.” Front and “you need to fucking sue your plastic surgeon already because you could piece together chunks of RuPaul blindfolded using nothing but silly putty and a caulking gun and it’d still look more like a woman than you ever will, you hideous silicone freak of nature.” Ah, semantics, shemantics!

Now you, too, can smell like Christina Aguilera, this time without the help of gender-reassignment hormones! The new ad promises:

Christina Aguilera INSPIRE brings a little of her self-assured confidence and sexiness to every woman’s life.  The fragrance will remind you not to drift along with the crowd, but will inspire you to stand up for what you believe in and strive for your dreams.  The fragrance celebrates being a woman, full of feminity and fun.  Be inspired, be sexy and be exactly what you want to be.

Especially if what you want to be is a sluttier transvestite version of Pennywise the Dancing Clown from Stephen King’s “It.” Beep beep, Richie!

“Inspiring” little girls everywhere with a Ellen Von Unwerth shoot July 2005:

Christina Aguilera took a little time off from drunken club-whoring to do her part for the Rock the Vote Campaign, which translated to wrapping her infant son in an American flag and cooing “America the Beautiful” to him. Whatever. This little ruse changes nothing for me. You can bet your sweet bippy that the only lullaby I’m going to be singing to some baby wrapped in an American flag is Pink Floyd’s “Welcome to the Machine.” Possibly The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” if I have time. And then I’ll hold the baby up and yell, “Meet the new boss, same as the old boss, baby! Democracy is dead! Viva la revolución!” just like I did when I ambushed the stage at my niece’s christening last week. Hopefully the Rock the Vote demographic will be a little more receptive than those folks inside the church were. Fucking Bolsheviks!

Angelina Jolie in Vanity Fair because she’s not a hideous tranny monster:

Natural beauty Christina Aguilera apparently put on quite a skank show at LAX nightclub last weekend. The Daily Mail says

[Aguilera] and her [female] companion put on a sexy show by dancing close to each other. 26-year-old Christina even grabbed her friend’s head and rubbed her face into her breast as their racy dancing continued.

Some new moms join their local chapter of Stroller Strides; some join little play groups that meet for story time at the library; some get wasted and shove their girlfriends’ faces in their tits like college freshmen whose daddies didn’t show them enough attention growing up. Those are the kind of mommies that have martinis for breakfast and fuck their kids’ soccer coaches and demand full custody for extra child support paychecks. Or, as I like to call them, “the cool moms” at whose houses the Stroller Stride kids are going to want to spend the night in fifteen years.

Two years ago, I dressed up as Mystique from X-Men for Halloween. It was the most kick-ass costume ever. I had a bright red wig, yellow contacts, and a blue swimsuit I hand-decorated with blue scales. It took me two and a half hours and almost four bottles of body paint to get ready. Even then, I only had on half as much makeup as Christina Aguilera in the above picture. If Homer Simpson’s makeup gun ever had a “seek and destroy” setting, you’re fucking looking at it right here.

Editor’s note: Ever wondered what a post-op tranny’s tits might look like after a grease fire? Wonder no more!!

More of Frankentits at Luxor’s LAX Nightclub Friday night:

Daddy Spears is definitely earning his $10,000 the hard way — from regularly checking Britney’s undercarriage for panties to dutifully trailing along whenever she ventures out of her house. Nine MSN says

The court appointed guardian/doting dad was on the ball at Christina Aguilera’s birthday party this weekend. When he spotted a video camera filming Britney, he quickly whisked away the glasses of alcohol all around her.

The clip of him whisking away the plates of chocolate cake from her was way funnier, but the National Wildlife Service is using that footage as filler in their documentary “When Hippos Attack.” Available July 2008!

New mommy Christina Aguilera celebrated baby Max’s 112 day-old birthday by getting so wasted at the Crown Bar in Hollywood that husband Jordan Bratman had to hold her up on the way out. Reminds me a lot of my folks when I was a little girl. Of course, it was usually me holding momma up and picking the chunks of puke out of her hair instead of daddy, mostly because I didn’t have a dad and we didn’t find out who my real father was until he was paroled and the circus came back to town. So, really, I guess it’s nothing like my childhood. Way to bring me down. Jerks.

Can you figure out what’s wrong with this picture of Christina Aguilera? I’ll give you two guesses. Hint: it rhymes with “moobs.” Still nothing? Look again:

My superior logic tells me these are either implants encased in scar tissue or a pair of hydrocelphalic twin stowaways on the S.S. Frankentits. Bon voyage, mateys!

The mighty vessel docked at Club Villa on Sunday:

There is something just wrong about seeing “Drrty” singer Christina Aguilera cuddling an infant. It’s like seeing a snake holding hands with a field mouse or Paris Hilton cradling a Bible. It’s just unnatural. Perverse, even. With the big fake tits and platinum blonde hair, Christina looks like she should be standing in for Stormy Daniels in “Cockamamie 4,” not powdering a newborn baby’s bottom. In fact, the only time a chick that skanky looking should even be uttering the word “baby” is if it’s succeeded by “mmm… give it to me, yeah” right before she takes a big load in the face.