It’s nice to know that the Christmas spirit is still alive and well these days. That means different things to different people. It might mean anonymously paying off someone’s Christmas layaway. If you’re “English glamour model” Rhian Sugden, that means letting lesbian hobbit look-alike artist Fanny Gogh paint holly berries on your nipples and let some random firemen in on the action. Personally, I think her idea is better. Give a child a toy, and he’ll remember it for a couple of weeks. Take him to go paint some bimbo’s tits, and he’ll remember it for a lifetime. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

If my Christmas wish were that Courtney Stodden get uterine cancer, would karma dictate that I also get uterine cancer, or would I secretly get a high five from Jesus?

Wedding bells will chime at least one more time before the death knell for Hugh Hefner. Digital Spy reports,

Hugh Hefner took to his Twitter account on Christmas Day to announce his engagement to girlfriend Crystal Harris.

The 84-year-old Playboy founder has been married twice before, officially divorcing his second wife in March of this year.

In the early hours of Christmas Day morning, he wrote on his Twitter page: “After the movie tonight, Crystal & I exchanged gifts. I gave Crystal a ring. A truly memorable Christmas Eve.”

Later in the evening, he posted again, writing: “When I gave Crystal the ring, she burst into tears. This is the happiest Christmas weekend in memory.”

24-year-old Harris, born of British parents living in Arizona, was noticed by Playboy representatives while she was studying psychology at San Diego State University.

She met Hefner on Halloween in 2008 and started dating him a few months later, while he was also dating identical twin glamour models Kristina and Karissa Shannon.

The magazine tycoon since ended his relationship with the twins in January this year, and has remained monogamous to Crystal since.

I burst into tears too when my husband asked me to marry him. Actually, he was the one who was crying. You’d be too if your future father-in-law had your nuts in a death grip.

Lucy Pinder topless, because…well, we don’t really need a reason, do we? NSFW:

I’m glad Leann Rimes took to her Twitter yesterday to remind us the most important part of the word “holiday”: the letters H and O.

Kim Kardashian debuted the Kardashian family Khristmas kard on her website today, saying:

We went super glam this year and each went for our own look. Kourt chose a tailored suit to match Mason and Scott, Khloe went for gorgeous peach ruffles and I am wearing an Emilio Pucci dress and vintage earrings.

How stunning do Kendall and Kylie look!? This might be my favorite of all our family Christmas cards!

It’s unique, I’ll give them that. It not every day you encounter Dynasty and The Addams Family all in one magical photo. I might even write about it in my diary.

Whitney Port in Maxim, because she’s actually less photoshopped than anybody in that picture:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Further reiterating why God withered up Kate Gosselin’s ovaries twenty years ago, her eight little science-spawned children with Jon Gosselin have now taken to ruining Christmas for their classmates. Or maybe I should say their six science-spawned children have taken to ruining Christmas for their classmates, because two of them don’t actually go to school anymore. On account of their “anger issues,” you see. Radar Online says:

The Gosselin children have been accused of spoiling Christmas for fellow students [by]… “telling other kids at school that there is no Santa Claus,” a close friend of the family [said].

“[Jon] has received many phone calls from parents because the kids actually told [classmates as young as six] ‘your parents are lying to you,’ causing them to get upset,” the insider said.

Denying a report that two of her eight children were expelled from school, Kate this week admitted daughter Alexis and son Collin “were having anger issues.”

The Kate Plus 8 star revealed that she and the school “mutually agreed” to take the pair out of school, and they’re now studying with a private tutor.

Look, just because the faculty told you and your little brats to get the fuck out of their school doesn’t mean you “mutually agreed” on anything. You had no say in the process it whatsoever. That’s like telling people that you and Sir Isaac Newton “mutually agreed” that a body at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts on it. Sorry, but the law of inertia doesn’t rely on your approval, and neither did that school board. You don’t control everything, you stupid bitch!

Kate MINUS eight in New York on Wednesday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Kate Gosselin has made it her life’s mission to exploit her litter and wring every last penny out of their little hides. If she can make money off her own kids, then why not the Baby Jesus? Popeater reports,

Kate Gosselin wants to show America that it’s not just her dance skills that are a hidden talent. Now, the famous mom and her eight adorable tots want to release a holiday CD packed full of all her favorite religious classics.

“Kate is pitching a CD of holiday songs sung by herself and all her children,” a record executive tells me. “She sees herself as a modern day Maria from ‘The Sound of Music,’ except this time the family singers won’t be the Von Trap family, they would be the Gosselins.”

“Don’t be fooled,” a friend of Kate’s tells me. “Kate sees herself as a brand. She knows her fifteen minutes are not going to last forever and wants to make the most of it. After all, it’s Kate that’s putting the food on the table for all those children.”

Von Trapp family? I don’t think so. I think she’s a little less Maria and a little more Miss Hannigan from Annie, if you ask me.

In NYC:

Hey guys, thanks for hanging out with me this week! I hope you all have a great Christmas. Stay safe, don’t play in the street, designate a driver! Sarah will be picking up next week to carry you through the New Year. See you next year! Enjoy a dick in a box!

I think these pictures for Time Out New York are great. Scarlett Johansson and Liev Schreiber , who are starring together right now in Broadway’s A View From the Bridge, look like they’re straight out of a commercial for Enzyte (the once-daily tablet for natural male enhancement!). Do you think Liev here is a “chubby Santa?” Does he have a “sack-full of confidence”? Yeah, you’re whistling the theme music now, aren’t you?