A German model was charged Thursday with trying to extort $100,000 from Cindy Crawford by using a “sexy” photo of the supermodel’s then-7-year-old daughter Kaia “in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged.” The picture, reportedly stolen from the Crawford’s former nanny, was simply part of an innocuous “cops and robbers” game the nanny claims to have played with the children. Yeah, that’s normal. The NY Daily News says

[German model and the nanny's ex-boyfriend] Edis Kayalar [initially] told Crawford and Gerber [back in July] that he was broke and wanted a reward for returning the photo, portraying himself as a “good guy.”

Gerber met Kayalar and Kayalar handed the photo over. Gerber gave him $1,000 for his “trouble.”

But Kayalar contacted the couple two days later, allegedly claiming he still had a copy of the photo and threatening to sell it to a tabloid for $500,000.

Crawford and Gerber went to the cops, who picked up Kayalar. He was turned over to immigration officials, who booted him from the country in September because he was here illegally.

Well, all’s well that ends well, right? Um, not exactly…

The couple thought their nightmare was over until Nov. 1, when Kayalar e-mailed them from Germany with new threats of selling the photo to a tabloid if they did not pay him $100,000.

Kayalar allegedly gave Gerber a German bank account number and routing information, saying the money should be wired within three days or the photo would be made public.

As of Thursday night, Kayalar had not been arrested. Authorities were searching for him in Germany.

Well, if you don’t want sexy bondage pictures of your second-grader on the internet, DON’T LEAVE THEM WITH FUCKING STRANGERS WHILE YOU GO GALLIVANTING AROUND EUROPE!!!! Just like you don’t leave your kids on the railroad tracks while you run errands and you don’t give them a dry cleaning bag and a handgun to occupy them while you touch up your makeup. Jesus Christ. Am I taking crazy pills? It seems so common sense to me! And for the record, I’m pretty sure that “au pair” is actually French for “shitty parent.” Look it up.

Cindy with her daughter in Hawaii last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

George Clooney is coming to the legal defense of Cindy Crawford’s husband’s Rande Gerber, who is currently embroiled in a sexual assault lawsuit filed by a pair of former waitresses who claim they were 86ed from his restaurant after refusing his sexual advances. According to Us Weekly

While working at [Gerber's] Moonstone Lounge in San Diego, one of the women claims the supermodel’s husband attempted to kiss her three times during the night, then “put his hand up [her] dress in between her legs in an attempt to fondle her crotch.”

“I was with Rande the entire night — as were a lot of people,” [Clooney] said in a statement Monday. “They will all say the same thing that I’m saying. This event never happened. Period.”

A Gerber Group spokesperson [said] “Mr. Gerber and Mr. Clooney will take lie detector tests to prove that the allegations against Mr. Gerber are false.”

That Gerber fellow better pray that his judge is a woman, because everybody knows that no female mortal can resist the mischievous grin and smoldering eyes of the Silver-Haired Rake. His mere presence makes bras spontaneously unhook themselves and panties disappear into thin air. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up on the floor of a Toledo airport bar bathroom without any underpants to speak of. It’s just a shame that I always somehow manage to miss actually seeing him when he’s there.

Wife Cindy looking gorgeous at the Costume Gala Institute last night:

DT magazine has some kind of pinup theme for their April ‘09 issue, apparently.  I didn’t actually read any of the details, because it was all in Spanish and my Spanish is approximately at the level of a remedial toddler from Cordoba.  Hell, I’m barely even literate in English.  I don’t know what you bitches want from me.  Just shut up and look at the pictures of ladies in lingerie.

The header image is Molly Sims.  Below, from left to right: Kate Hudson, Cindy Crawford, Elisha Cuthbert, Kate Walsh and Jennifer Morrison.

43-year old supermodel Cindy Crawford gets naked and covered in shaving cream in an artsy-fartsy photoshoot for next month’s Allure magazine. Don’t get me wrong — I approve of the whole “naked supermodel” bit — but the rest I just don’t get. I assume it’s part of the well-known artistic movement known as the “Cliched Regurgitation of Avant-garde Pretense” series, or “CRAP” as it’s more commonly known in the vernacular.

Dozens of female celebrities and actresses — from the Olsen Twins to supermodel Cindy Crawford — get almost-naked in photographer Timothy White’s new book “Hollywood Pinups” ($39.95, Collins Design). Actress Angie Harmon, seen above, gets the most naked of all, but not just because naked hot chicks are awesome. The collection of naughty photos is actually a charitable endeavor — 100% of the proceeds go to fight global poverty. And, it seems, to aid those without an impetus to masturbate. Statistics indicate it’s the biggest problem currently facing males age 14-73 in our nation today! Won’t you do your part and get naked, too? I say it’s time to stop being part of the problem and start becoming part of the solution, ladies!

Supermodel Cindy Crawford showed up to Kate Hudson’s Halloween party this past weekend dressed as singer Amy Winehouse, complete with sailor tattoos and trademark beehive and eyeliner. It’s a kick-ass costume, but she left out a few key Amy Winehouse elements that would have really authenticated the look. Namely, an icepick to the face and a good half-hour gargle and rinse with yellow food coloring. To get that authentic Winehouse smell, just mix two parts overflowing ashtray and one part gin with two tablespoons of urine and blend until creamy, then divide contents between groin and armpits. Voilà! Amy Winehouse. Of course, if you don’t have that kind of time, you could just kill a hobo a few days prior to the party and stuff him under your beehive. All the smell without any of the work! Talk about your time-saver!

The real Amy being taken to The London Clinic on Saturday:

The real Cindy in French Vogue:

George Clooney’s yacht stands an impressive 175 feet long, regularly makes stops along the French Riviera, and comes equipped with supermodel Cindy Crawford lounging around topless. My ‘84 Chevy Caprice, on the other hand, has an analog tape deck, a gear shift held together with duct tape, and a distinctive odor from the “red beans and rice” incident my freshman year. But I didn’t pay $120 million dollars for it, so in your fucking face, George Clooney!