Stop me if you’ve heard this one — what did one doughy fairy say to the other doughy fairy after they both lost the same contest? If you guessed something like “meow” or “hiss,” you’re getting warmer. American Idol runner up Clay Aiken has gotten his claws out so he can bat them menacingly in fellow American Idol runner up Adam Lambert’s direction. Clay wrote on his official website:

Now that it’s all over, and for the record…. I couldn’t be happier about the way AI ended this year. I happened to turn it during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing “Ring of Fire” and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening! I wasn’t really a fan and found myself surprised whenever folks told me that they liked him. Just not my cup of tea at all. But Idol is not always a matter of musical taste only. It’s about the person you like. From what little I saw, Kris seemed likable. When Ruben and I were standing next to each other every night you had two equally talented, equally unlikely, equally unpolished contestants. However, this year, there was an obvious bias.

In my opinion, it all often comes down to that last night of voting. Until the finale, folks are voting for the contestant that they want to see continue. But, I believe that on that last night, the dynamic changes. No longer forced to choose one person that they want to see win, the audience can effectively vote AGAINST the person that they don’t want to see win. There may have been some folks who voted for myself or Ruben because they didn’t like the other of us. I was the nerdy little girly boy who some didn’t want to see win, so they may have voted for Ruben. But again, I feel that Ruben and I were fairly matched. The show was different then, and folks made it in seasons 1-3 because they were “real” people who happened to sing/entertain well.

I think many were turned off by the blatant favoritism shown towards one contestant. Therefore, on that last night, they used their votes against a contestant that they were tired of hearing about and for the contestant who had been written off… they voted AGAINST an American Idol that has, for four years now, been more about the slick productions and polished contestants than it has been about finding the raw talent that it did in its first three seasons. They were votes that said “we’re tired of seeing contestants who already seem to know it all. Enough with the pretention. More Rubens, more Clays, more Fantasias and Tamyras and Kellys please.” My faith has always been in the voters. It’s now up to American Idol to decide if it will finally REALLY listen to the folks that keep it on the air.

That was waaaay too fucking long to actually read, so with the help my trusty Bitchy Bitter Queen-ese dictionary, I managed to condense it all down to one line. It seems what Clay was trying to say was, “I’d only let that guy bareback me if I’d already had seven appletinis and he brought the meth!” Those gays sure have a way with words.

Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUN! (that’s my trumpet, by the way). I’m SHOCKED to report, shocked I tell you, that Clay Aiken has finally come out of his pink satin-lined closet. He will be on the cover of this week’s People magazine with the headline, “Yes, I’m Gay”. The cover also has the quote, “I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things”. Yawn. Why did they even bother? Everyone and their retarded blind aunt already knew that. They could have at least come up with a more interesting title, one that hasn’t been done before. Here’s a few:

1. The Keebler Elf Really DOES love Fudge!

2. “Measure of a Man”–it’s not the size that matters

3. I Love It a “Thousand Different Ways”

4. I’m Here and I’m - Well, You Know!

5. He’s a Hard Act to Swallow

In other news that made sphincters everywhere contract, Clay Aiken has become a daddy! People reports:

The former American Idol contestant and music producer Jaymes Foster welcomed a baby boy Friday morning, the singer said in a statement on his Web site.

“HE’S HERE!” Aiken writes. “My dear friend, Jaymes, and I are so excited to announce the birth of Parker Foster Aiken (No hyphens. One first name. One middle name. One last name.)”

Parker, whose name is his grandmother Faye’s middle name, weighed 6 lbs., 2 oz. and was 19 inches long. He was born at 8:08 a.m.

In May, it was confirmed that Foster became pregnant via in vitro fertilization.

Though they are not romantically linked, Clay and Jaymes plan to raise the child together. The two met when Aiken competed on Idol, and Foster – who is the sister of legendary music producer David Foster – has produced several of his albums.

Well, if there’s one thing that will guarantee that you’ll get your ass kicked for the rest of your life, it’s having Clay Aiken as your dad. Won’t that be so much fun? He’s totally going to learn all sorts of valuable life skills–how hiding in the cafeteria dumpster at school almost always guarantees you’ll get away, how raw eggs in your hair really is a good thing, and that personal persecution is a wonderful source of songwriting material. Hey, it worked for the Gaiken–have you seen how silky his hair is?

Hold on to your buttless chaps, boys and girls — Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy. TMZ says

Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend [with whom he lives] when he’s in L.A. 50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. Foster was artificially inseminated, but Clay is a lot more than just sperm — we’re told he will have an active role in raising the child.

I never thought I’d see the day when Clay Aiken fathered a child with an actual woman. You know, the whole “penis and vagina” thing. But give the guy a little gay porn and a mason jar, and nature finds a way!