Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUN! (that’s my trumpet, by the way). I’m SHOCKED to report, shocked I tell you, that Clay Aiken has finally come out of his pink satin-lined closet. He will be on the cover of this week’s People magazine with the headline, “Yes, I’m Gay”. The cover also has the quote, “I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things”. Yawn. Why did they even bother? Everyone and their retarded blind aunt already knew that. They could have at least come up with a more interesting title, one that hasn’t been done before. Here’s a few:

1. The Keebler Elf Really DOES love Fudge!

2. “Measure of a Man”–it’s not the size that matters

3. I Love It a “Thousand Different Ways”

4. I’m Here and I’m - Well, You Know!

5. He’s a Hard Act to Swallow

In other news that made sphincters everywhere contract, Clay Aiken has become a daddy! People reports:

The former American Idol contestant and music producer Jaymes Foster welcomed a baby boy Friday morning, the singer said in a statement on his Web site.

“HE’S HERE!” Aiken writes. “My dear friend, Jaymes, and I are so excited to announce the birth of Parker Foster Aiken (No hyphens. One first name. One middle name. One last name.)”

Parker, whose name is his grandmother Faye’s middle name, weighed 6 lbs., 2 oz. and was 19 inches long. He was born at 8:08 a.m.

In May, it was confirmed that Foster became pregnant via in vitro fertilization.

Though they are not romantically linked, Clay and Jaymes plan to raise the child together. The two met when Aiken competed on Idol, and Foster – who is the sister of legendary music producer David Foster – has produced several of his albums.

Well, if there’s one thing that will guarantee that you’ll get your ass kicked for the rest of your life, it’s having Clay Aiken as your dad. Won’t that be so much fun? He’s totally going to learn all sorts of valuable life skills–how hiding in the cafeteria dumpster at school almost always guarantees you’ll get away, how raw eggs in your hair really is a good thing, and that personal persecution is a wonderful source of songwriting material. Hey, it worked for the Gaiken–have you seen how silky his hair is?

Hold on to your buttless chaps, boys and girls — Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy. TMZ says

Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend [with whom he lives] when he’s in L.A. 50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. Foster was artificially inseminated, but Clay is a lot more than just sperm — we’re told he will have an active role in raising the child.

I never thought I’d see the day when Clay Aiken fathered a child with an actual woman. You know, the whole “penis and vagina” thing. But give the guy a little gay porn and a mason jar, and nature finds a way!