I could really use your help here, guys — I’m trying to decide which of these shots of Kate Upton I should photoshop my face onto for my new eHarmony profile pic. Right now I’m torn between three and eight. But then nine really speaks to me, too. It says, “I’ve been banned from Christian Mingle.com three times” and “I’ll fake a pregnancy.” But is that really the message I want to send here? Discuss.

For her Beach Bunny Bronze line:

This dress will do, I guess, if you don’t have any bright yellow police tape to cordon off your boobs and some of those flashing orange and white cones they use in highway construction zones to mount under either armpit. Frankly, with a dress like that, it’d almost be rude not to look at her tits.

Glee’s Lea Michele on Letterman last night:

It’s hard to mess up huge boobs, but that is definitely not Kelly Brook’s best angle. She looks like she should be lumbering out of the Limpopo to wallow in some lakeshore mud. And before you get your panties in a twist and start huffing about unrealistic body standards and the misogynistic patriarchal cultural conspiracy, I’m NOT calling her fat. I’m saying that particular angle makes her look fat. Geez. Way to ruin it for everybody. I see we’ve arrived at Bitter and Chunky Town, Population: YOU.

The Billboard Music Awards were last night, but you’ll have to fill me in later, because we have more important issues to address than who won what. Namely, Miley Cyrus’ attempt to make an entire red carpet ensemble out of a double-breasted blazer and thorough abuse of a rat-tail comb. All she needs is a pair of red Sally Jesse Raphael’s and a little blue eyeshadow and she’s a sluttier version of Tess McGill from “Working Girl.”

I remember a time when people still thought Sacha Baron Cohen was funny. I also remember a time when I could make love to a man without compulsively pulling out all my eyelashes the next morning. Unfortunately for both of us, that day was not today.

Promoting “The Dictator” in Cannes by having Elisabetta Canalis pretend to laugh at his wiener and kick him in the nads so he can pretend to toss her dead body overboard in a garbage bag (more pics after the jump):

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You know what they say — April showers bring May boners! And believe me, that hurt me more than it hurt you. Now go to your room and think about what you’ve done.

Minka Kelly and her wares :

“The Hunger Games” dominated the box office for the fourth weekend in a row, so you can expect an onslaught of Jennifer Lawrence magazine covers in the upcoming months. You won’t be able to turn around without getting slapped in the face by Jennifer Lawrence on a magazine. You’ll be eating Katniss Krunchy-O’s and wearing Team Peeta t-shirts and brushing your teeth with Hunger Games brand toothpaste, because there is no such thing as market saturation when it comes to pictures of provocatively dressed young girls or passable Young Adult Reader sci-fi.

It’s no secret that putting your hand on your hip and turning slightly to one side makes you look ten pounds thinner in photographs, and Scarlett Johansson was so bound and determined to get that good angle at the Moscow premiere of their new movie that she damn near elbowed Robert Downey, Jr. right off the red carpet. I’ve seen Mortal Kombat finishing moves that were more subtle.

What was that? I’m sorry — you’ll have to speak up. I can’t hear you over Robert Downey, Jr.’s suit:

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This Nicole Richie is too fat. This Nicole Richie is too thin. This Nicole Richie is just right. Hopefully this is the part of the story where the bears come back from their walk in the woods and find her in Baby Bear’s bed and maul her.

Esquire’s back to their usual secret gay agenda trickery by putting Sofia Vergara in a corset on the cover of next month’s issue and stamping the word “sex” in all caps directly over her hoo-ha, figuring it’s so over-the-top and in-your-face that your average heterosexual male will hardly even notice the tiny little words printed there in the bottom corner: “14% of married men say they have had sex with a guy.” They’re banking on you not noticing until you’ve already invested in a pair of driving moccasins and started sharting Astroglide. Trust.

Despite all that Sarah Jessica Parker and Lindsay Lohan have done to dispel it as myth, Sofia Vergara is living proof that you can be over forty and still be smokin’ hot. Looks like the jig is up, ladies!

Dennis Quaid can now put a third notch in the ol’ failed marriage belt after his wife of eight years Kimberly Buffington-Quaid filed for divorce earlier this week. And what does Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Cintia Dicker in Men’s Health four months ago have to do with the split? Well, to the untrained eye, nothing. But as a hard-hitting and responsible journalist, I wouldn’t feel right if I left any stone unturned.