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Amy Adams Plunge Dress

I thought Amy Adams’ lavender Prabal Gurung Spring 2014 dress was totally Mary Kay salesman meets “Turn Back Time” Cher (and that was before I even noticed the arm-pit cutouts, which are a whole other sub-level of NO), but the man at the table across from me had only one word. And that word was “cleavage.” I sat there pondering that for a very long time, because it seemed I had been bested.

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You can put her in couture on the cover of Vogue magazine, but Kate Upton is still just the poor man’s Anna Nicole Smith. No amount of eyebrow pencil or hair gel will ever convince me otherwise!

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It is universally known that are two types of cleavage: good cleavage (Linsey Godfrey, right) and bad cleavage (Kendra Wilkinson, left). So how can you determine if your cleavage is GOOD cleavage like Linsey’s, or BAD cleavage like Kendra’s? Easy. There are ten simple ways to tell.

TOP TEN RULES FOR DETERMINING WHETHER YOUR CLEAVAGE IS BAD

10. If your cleavage looks like it should be measured in pounds per square inch, it’s BAD.

9. If it hurts to look at your cleavage, it’s bad.

8. If your cleavage is attached to Heidi Montag, Christina Aguilera, Tori Spelling or Tara Reid, it’s BAD.

7. If aereola is visible, your cleavage is BAD.

6. If you can touch your chin to your chest without looking down, your cleavage it’s BAD.

5. If someone mistakes you for Dog the Bounty Hunter’s wife at a water park, your cleavage is BAD.

4. If you’re on the cover of National Geographic, your cleavage is BAD.

3. If you can measure your cleavage with a protractor, it’s BAD.

2. If I can see clear down to your bellybutton when you reach for the bread basket, your cleavage is BAD.

1. If you can and DO keep your cell phone and keys in it, your cleavage is BAD.

Check out some GOOD ways to sport cleavage in the gallery above!

Style

Russian supermodel Irina Shayk showed some serious skin at the “All is Lost” premiere in Cannes yesterday in a plunging Roberto Cavalli cutout dress with a sheer paneled skirt. Cutouts were a huge trend this spring, and while they can be a subtly sexy way of revealing just the right amount of bare skin, they can also make you look like you should be working The Boulevard with Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. To keep from looking cheap, stick with subtle (re: small) cut outs in one of three places: the shoulders, the arms, or the back. I don’t recommend cutouts in the breast, stomach, or hip/thigh area unless you’re getting all dolled up for a conjugal visit or a guest spot on Springer.

How to do cut-outs right (and wrong!) in the gallery above.

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Kim Kardashian tuxedo dress

Kim Kardashian arrived at the E! 2013 Upfront event in New York Monday evening in a tuxedo-style satin coat dress that was almost as subtle as her makeup. The Mail Online says:

The 32-year-old reality star almost busted out of her daringly low cut dress, [which she] teamed with black satin stilettos and a pair of huge diamond earrings.

At the event the star revealed she has now started to ‘embrace’ her pregnancy – particularly since her baby started kicking.

It could be the baby kicking, or it could be the three mexi-melts you had for lunch all hitting your lower intestine at once. If you’ve been pregnant before, you know sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference.

Fashion fluff & interweb folly:

Kristen Stewart photographed sneaking around with Rupert Sanders mere hours after Robert Pattinson left town, probably on a life-sized My Little Pony with a silver sparkle mane and rainbow glitter tail. (Celebitchy)

Winona Ryder remains firmly rooted in the nineties. (Moe Jackson)

The twenty other rules of Fight Club. (Mandatory)

Ben Affleck is going to pretend to be poor for five days so you can learn something about the plight of your fellow man through his suffering. Five whole days. That’s nearly 0.018% of the average human life. (Evil Beet)

Amy Winehouse’s dad tears Beyonce a new one, which should make it a lot easier to finally get her head out of there. (Huffington Post)

Teen Mom “star” Jenelle Evans arrested yet again, this time for heroin, so MTV ought to be renewing her contract for sure now. (Jezebel)

Wardrobe must have: skinny jeans! (Modavanti)

Kelly Osbourne uses her back to show you what a basal cell carcinoma looks like hours after conception. (The Daily Stab)

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