Let’s be honest — there’s really no point in me even typing words here. It’s not like you’re gonna be looking at anything other than Kelly Brook’s rack for the next fifteen minutes.
I don’t like Kelly Brook’s new blonde hair or her huge Linda Richman glasses or her ugly crochet swimsuit, but she’s still in a bikini. It’s really the best thing that’s happened all damn day.
In Rio last week:
Eva Mendes looks just like legendary screen siren Sophia Loren in the March issue of Marie Claire. They’re both just so unattainably beautiful. The only thing I have in common with either one of those women is the facial mole, but mine’s about the size of a saucer, so it has a different overall effect.
If I’d known we were playing croquet with UFC Octogon girl Arianny Celeste as a human wicket, I would have totally played a round instead of just using the mallet to smash out the tail lights on my ex’s Chevy Caprice. Next time try to keep me a little better informed. Honestly.
The only person who takes more pictures of Lindsay Lohan than the L.A. central booking is Terry Richardson (here, here and leering behind her like a child molester on a bender here), and that’s only because he’s a notorious pervert who gets off on taking pictures of girls’ tits, and showing her tits is the only thing Lindsay’s good for these days. It’s a match made in crippling daddy issues/sexual predator heaven.
It’s usually Sofia Vergara’s rack that gets all the attention, but I’d like to point out that she also has a magnificent derrière. Mostly because I just wanted to say “derrière.”
Jennifer Love Hewitt keeps trying to convince us she’s still sexy and not at all fat but posting overtly photoshopped pics of herself on Twitter. Contrary to what my dad always told me, you apparently can stuff ten pounds of shit in a five-pound sack. Just so long as there’s a magic wand and clone tool to clean up all the stuff that spills over.
I’d like to give Rihanna’s latest Armani ads a big thumbs up, but I can’t, on account of the cuffs and everything. I sure hope somebody’s writing an outraged letter to a Congressman or staging a protest on my behalf, because I wasn’t “charging toward Rihanna wielding a knife” — it was the Dagger of Heccabees forged by a coven of dwarf-witches long extinct — and I wasn’t trying to “stab” anybody, I was trying to harvest a lock of her hair with the Blade of the Dwarf-Witch Queen so I could properly cast a protective spell around her. Honestly, I don’t see what’s so hard about this.
Leann Rimes looks like she’s flaring her nostrils in every last one of these pictures, which means she’s either permanently in a huff (entirely plausible) or she’s lost so much weight that her nostrils are too big for her face (also entirely plausible). Thank God the breast implants are there to distract from it.
With husband Eddie Cibrian in Hawaii:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Remember those hot Latina models that spent the week frolicking around in tiny bikinis in Miami? Yeah, well, they did it again today, but this time in even smaller bikinis. So by my calculation, if trends continue as indicated, they should be completely nude by next Tuesday. Don’t worry, I’ve already cleared my calendar.
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Mischa Barton is also in a bikini in Miami this week, and while it’s nothing spectacular, it’s still a helluva lot better than it was this time a couple of years ago. It’s amazing what three less chins can do for a gal!
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
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