Tila Tequila was hospitalized last week following a nearly-fatal brain aneurysm, but somehow the aneurysm didn’t kill her. Neither did the two bottles of prescription drugs she chowed down on in the moments after her aneurysm or the jump she attempted to make out of her bedroom window, leading me to believe that Tila Tequila is either a wizard or part cockroach. They can survive for three weeks without a head, you know. Radar Online says:

According to the source, Tila suffered a brain aneurysm in the middle of the night, which caused her to think irrationally. Due to the pain, she took two bottles of unspecified heavy prescription drugs.

“Tila threw up all over her bed after overdosing and felt like she was dying. She was screaming for help, and in desperation, broke her bedroom window and attempted to jump out,” the source said.

“Finally a friend came over after getting a strange text from her and found her convulsing on the bed. He called an ambulance and she was taken to the hospital.”

Tila was hospitalized just in time to stabilize her and she was under intensive care all week.

“It’s sad to think she may have some permanent brain damage,” the source said.

“She still can’t fully speak properly.”

Note that they said she MAY have brain damage, which is just a nice way of saying “Given how fucking stupid she was before, it’s virtually impossible for us to tell.” I’m sure they attempted to give her a number of cognitive tests that all ended with her mounting the leg of the test-giver and spanking herself with the flashcards.

If you smear enough Vaseline on the lens and photoshop fifteen pounds off her, Christina Hendricks looks alright. It’s what we in the industry refer to as “the Jose Cuervo effect.”

Katy Perry is depicted as an overly-made-up showgirl in next month’s Interview magazine, but how you tell the difference between overly-made-up showgirl Katy and Katy every other day of the week is beyond me. I’m just hoping this is Interview’s way of secretly burning her with irony.

After observing it in its natural habitat, I think it’s clear the Courtney Stodden is color-blind. Her vision must be based entirely around the movement of a camera, like a really slutty T-Rex.

Nothing says class like lyrca, latex and feather boas:

Kate Beckinsale took home the Lacoste Spotlight Award at last night’s Costume Designer Guild Awards, and no, I don’t know what either of those things are, and no, I’m not gonna look them up. It’s called “google.” I can give you a fish and you can eat for a day, or I can teach you to fish and you can eat for a lifetime. You’re ready, little bird. Time for you to fly. Preferably far away from me so I can keep looking at Kate Beckinsale’s rack without you interrupting all the damn time.

Look hard, because this is the only time you’re ever gonna see a woman in a pair of Reebok Easytones who isn’t a frumpy mom of three power-walking past you in the mall.

Kelly Brook for Reebok Easytone:

I don’t wanna alarm anyone, but there’s a good chance that Snooki and Kim Kardashian are actually the same person. The only way to know for sure is to kill one of them and see if the other one coincidentally dies of mysterious circumstances right after.

Megan Fox isn’t posing for a photo shoot — this is just how she looks when she’s casually sitting on the beach. Bitch. I bet she doesn’t even sit down to use the fucking toilet. She probably pirouettes into the bathroom where a waiting flock of songbirds flies in to hold her aloft over the bowl so she doesn’t have to touch the seat with her bare behind. That’s assuming she even goes to the bathroom at all.

In Hawaii with husband Brian Austin Green:

Ever heard the expression “too much of a good thing?” Well, I guarantee whoever said that never saw Kate Upton’s rack.

You probably noticed there’s only been one Kate Upton post today, which is less than a third of your doctor’s recommended daily intake. Assuming your doctor is Dr. Dre. Now I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to smoke two blunts and call me in the morning.

Kate Upton might have landed the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover, but Sophia Neophitou — editor of the “English style bible ’10′ and creative force behind the casting of the Victoria’s Secret shows” — doesn’t think she’s refined enough to take the runaway at a VS fashion show. The NY Times says:

“We would never use Ms. Upton for a Victoria’s Secret show,” Ms. Neophitou said by telephone last week from London. And, while Ms. Upton has, in fact, modeled on occasion for the company’s catalog, her look, said Ms. Neophitou, is “too obvious” to be featured in what has become the most widely viewed runway show in the world.

“She’s like a Page 3 girl,” Ms. Neophitou said, referring to the scantily clad voluptuous women featured in The Sun, a London tabloid. “She’s like a footballer’s wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy.”

Day-um. I think it’s pretty clear that either Kate Upton fucked Ms. Neiphitou’s significant other, or else Ms. Neiphitou caught her significant other jerking it to pictures of Kate Upton. The only way it’d be more obvious that she hated Kate is if she spat and made the sign of the cross every time she said her name.

Lindsay Lohan still hasn’t paid back the government the hundred grand she owes them in back-taxes from 2009, but you’ll never guess what — she also “forgot” to pay her federal income taxes in 2010, too. What are the odds? TMZ says:

According to docs filed yesterday at the L.A. County Recorder’s Office, Lindsay never paid federal income taxes for 2010 … to the tune of $140,203.30.

As previously reported, Lindsay never cut the government a check for the $93,701.57 she was supposed to pay in federal taxes for 2009 either.

She previously blamed her accountants for the 2009 debacle … so it’s probably safe to say they’re gonna get the blame for the 2010 screw up as well.

So now she’s looking at nearly a quarter of a million dollars in back-taxes. But for all intents and purposes, it might as well be 30 bajillion galactic moon coins, because God knows Lindsay doesn’t have that kind of money. It’s all tied up in sea jasper and the crystal market right now.

More of her looking like a past-her-prime showgirl in need of a fix for Terry Richardson in LOVE magazine: