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Kylie Minogue’s Surgeon is a Genius And Other News

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Kylie Minogue Botox and Fillers

Kylie Minogue might be paralyzed from the nasolabial folds up and have the shiny complexion of a fembot, but you have to admit she looks fantastic for forty-four years old. Heck, she looks fantastic for twenty-four years old. Just ask Lindsay Lohan.

Interweb nosh and nibbles:

How’s this for irony: the Air Force’s Sexual Assault Prevention Chief is charged with sexual assault over the weekend. It’s like rain on your wedding day. (Jezebel)

Donald Trump says Jon Stewart is a “total phony” and “highly overrated.” Curious that anyone with a combover like his could bandy about accusations of phoniness. (Celebitchy)

Maxim magazine names Miley Cyrus their Hottest Woman Alive, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that Maxim magazine is complete garbage. (Celeb Slam)

Lindsay Lohan says she has only done cocaine “maybe four or five times.” It’s like she’s not even trying anymore. (The Blemish)

Star Trek’s Chris Pine has my vote. (popbytes)

The Ten Weirdest Foreign Movies Starring American Actors, because I love a good top ten list. (Mandatory)

The Six Most Embarrassing Celebrity Thong Reveals, because I also love a top six. (Daily Stab)

Justin Bieber ravaged by stage-rushing hugger of 12 or 13, piano toppled: the video! (Huffington Post)

All the highlights from the red carpet at the London premiere of Star Trek. (Holy Moly!)

Veteran character actor Jeffery Wright was arrested over the weekend, opening the door for a spot on Celebrity Rehab. (Hollywood Rag)

Valerie Bertinelli makes a game night of photobombing. (Seriously OMG)

Megan Fox’s puffy pillow face on the set of the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. (Amy Grindhouse)

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Carey Mulligan in Flaunt Magazine

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Carey Mulligan is almost unrecognizable in a series of wigs in next month’s Flaunt magazine, where she plays the part of a pilgrim from the future who visits a Tostitos factory in a hat that looks like a giant raspberry. Apparently Tim Burton is designing clothes now.

Gisele Bündchen Replaces Beyoncé as the Face of H&M

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Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen and her umlaut are replacing singer Beyoncé and her accent mark as the new face and diacritical of retail giant H&M (check out Gisele in the June edition of French Vogue in the gallery above). The NY Daily News says:

With a blockbuster campaign for Chanel’s Les Beiges cosmetics line already under her belt, Bündchen has just landed another major deal, as the face of H&M’s Fall-Winter 2013 advertising campaign.

The 32-year-old mother of two has been spotted on-set for the Swedish label in West London wearing a number of looks from the brand’s upcoming collection.

For super trendy stuff that you know you’re only going to wear for a season or two, you can’t beat H&M — it’s cheap and poorly made, but it’s affordable. Which, incidentally, is exactly what it says on Tara Reid’s resume. It’s important to know your your target demographic.

Carey Mulligan in Lanvin at The Great Gatsby Premiere and Other News

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Carey Mullingan at The Great Gatsby Premiere

When in doubt, go with a red dress. It’s number three in my Ten Fashion Commandments, right after “Thou shalt not wear harem pants” and “Thou shalt have no truckers’ hats before me.”

And she looked over the internet, and saw that it was good:

Vanessa Hudgens can balance on one foot, bringing her total number of talents to two. (Moe Jackson)

If you need ideas for Mother’s Day, look no further! (Modavanti)

Lindsay Lohan was seen crying hysterically before going to rehab, then going to rehab, then leaving rehab, then going to a new rehab. Everything with this woman is ten times harder than it has to be. (Celebitchy)

You know you’re lame when even Tara Reid hates you. (Celeb Slam)

The children are STILL not our future, take 4,394. (Huffington Post)

Everyone will be expecting margarrrrritas at your Cinco de Mayo bash, so here’s a handy list of Mexican libations you can serve instead. (Mandatory)

The new Wolverine trailer is out, and I fall in love with Hugh Jackman all over again every time I watch it. (Pajiba)

But I’ll be honest, this video of Ryan Gosling made me reconsider my love for Hugh Jackman for a moment. Fortunately, our love proved strong enough to weather the storm. (Jezebel)

Why couldn’t Aaron Eckhart share a bathroom with Nicole Kidman? I guessed “because he walked in on her in the middle of a colonic,” but I was wrong. (Evil Beet)

And speaking of colonics, Gwyneth Paltrow and Leonardo DiCaprio are supposedly big fans. (BG)

I have had dates that ended exactly like this. Only they weren’t as cute or well-spoken as the otter. (Hollywood Rag)

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Miley Cyrus in V Magazine

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Miley Cyrus’ shoot for V Magazine is one of the most desperate, contrived, awkward, disingenuous attempts at sexy I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing. Every last shot is cringe-worthy. But my life coach says I need to embrace the positives and look for the good in things, so instead of burning her, I’m supposed to say something nice. And after twenty minutes of staring blankly at the screen, “it looks like she’s finally growing into that face” was the best I could come up with. Personal growth and development take time.