Crack might be “wack,” and crack might be “cheap,” but judging by her X Factor performance on Sunday night, Whitney Houston is back to basin’ again (FF to the 4:00 mark for the especially crack-y stuff). Star Magazine says

The admitted drug user’s bizarre appearance on Britain’s The X Factor raised eyebrows Sunday, as she nervously struggled through her song “Million Dollar Bill,” and seemed disoriented during the interview afterward.

When asked by the host when her album was to be released, Whitney paused and stared at the ground before stammering, “Yeah, the um…the album? It should released this weekend or next week sometime. I’ll be back here in April for the tour.”

When [the host] asked her what she thought of the talent, Whitney again looked at the floor for the answer. “I thought that they were…um…how do I put this? Really good.” Then she fiddled with her nose and added, “So that’s um…they’re young.”

Jesus Christ she’s freakin’ twitchy! All that’s missing is a herkie into a pile of folding chairs and a nervous smelling of the fingers she had shoved under her armpits during her Meredith Baxter-Birney monologue and she could be the old black version of Mary Katherine Gallagher.

David Letterman admitted on CBS’ “Late Show” last night that he had been the victim of a $2 million dollar extortion attempt by a producer at “48 Hours” stemming from his sexual encounters with several women currently in his employ. Letterman, of course, has been married to Regina Lasko since March, after dating her for 23 years, but in his defense, she looks like she should be in construction, or the very least a member of the East German Hammer Throwing Team. According to Variety

On the show, Letterman sat down behind his desk and [said he had] received a package three weeks ago from someone who claimed to have information about alleged sexual relations he has had with female employees of the “Late Show.”

“I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says, ‘I know that you do some terrible, terrible things. And I can prove that you do these terrible things.’ Sure enough, contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things,” Letterman said.

The host said the alleged extortion suspect claimed he planned to write both a movie screenplay and a book based on what he knew — that Letterman had engaged in sex with staffers.

Letterman said the individual threatened to go public with the allegations unless Letterman paid the person $2 million.

The host, under advisement of his attorney, met with the man on three different occasions. According to Letterman, the suspect even made it clear he knew what he was doing was illegal.

Letterman told his audience that he then contacted the Manhattan District Attorney’s Special Prosecution Bureau. The meeting with the D.A. led to a sting operation, in which Letterman met with the individual and handed the person a fake $2 million check. That person was arrested on Thursday.

$2 million? Are you kidding me? In this economy? If the extortionist had kept it reasonable, say, $500,000 and maybe the property rights to Paul Shaffer, he would have his money and his little muppet, too. Now all he’ll have to keep him company are Angelo the Serial Stabber and the nickname “Cream of Meat.”

Kim Kardashian on the show last night:

I posted a link about the “So You Think You Can Dance” vagina flasher in the quickies today, but TMZ only had the one disappointingly censored picture of Contestant #22036’s crotch. There’s where I step in with a full sixteen seconds of slow motion audition video of what may or may not be a black person, possibly a Pacific Islander, flashing the judges as she wallows in the floor. Granted, she could just be wearing a brown thong or cursed with the kind of booty fat that hangs down low and gives the appearance of being labial in nature. I don’t know. I’ve watched it three times now and I still don’t see it. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t keep trying! That’s just my strong work ethic for you.

SNL’s newest cast member Jenny Slate inadvertently dropped the F-bomb on the Megan Fox- hosted season opener of the show Saturday night. The NY Daily News says

Rookie Jenny Slate let slip the mother of all swear words in a skit in the season debut.

Slate was doing a biker chick talk-show skit with co-star Kristen Wiig when the curse word fell. “You know what? You freakin’ just threw an ashtray full of butts at my head,” Slate told Wiig.

Then she got a little too in character, adding; “You know what? You stood up for yourself, and I f—– love you for that.”

Producers replaced Slate’s mistake with “freakin’” for West Coast airings.

And that, sadly, was the most interesting moment of the entire show, which ranked between “seventh circle of hell” and “hemorrhoid surgery” on the watchability scale. A position only ever previously held by “George Lopez” and “The XFL!”

A sketch with the comedic stylings of Brian Austin Green, plus Megan’s monologue after the jump:

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There’s been so much hype about Megan Fox’s lesbian kiss with Amanda Seyfried in the colossal stinkbomb “Jennifer’s Body,” but now that I’ve actually seen it, all I can think is “How the hell did I never notice all those acne scars on Megan’s face?” Jesus Christ. It looks like someone set her chin on fire and tried to put it out with an icepick. Megan should really hold out hope that Ray Liotta or Richard Belzer need a skin double in their next movie, or that “ambulatory flesh-colored relief map of Chile” is a full-time job.

It’s long been rumored that there was a Rihanna/Chris Brown sex tape out there somewhere, and now X-rated video clip starring a woman who looks a lot like Rihanna has found its way online. According to Nine MSN

This newly released footage… runs for only 13 seconds and shows Rihanna writhing around with Chris Brown. The clip was posted along with a note saying that more footage would be released on June 22 — the date of Chris Brown’s court hearing for assault.

Debate is raging online as to whether or not the clip is the real deal, with many porno aficionados arguing that the star of the film is actually Lavish Styles — a porn actress who bears a striking resemblance to Rihanna.

“Porn aficionados?” What the fuck is that? And to think, my husband got all pissed when I put “masturbatory enthusiast” and “knob-polishing bon vivant” on his business cards. I’m sorry if “jerk-off king” just struck me as a little too blasé for public consumption.

The NSFW video preview after the jump

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