Last night’s American Idol began with an apology on behalf of new judge Steven Tyler. And no, it wasn’t an apology for having to see his botched facelift in high-def. The Daily Mail says:

The screen went black and a message read: “American Idol would like to apologize for last week’s outrageous behavior by Steven Tyler. Mr Tyler has been warned and assures us it will never happen again.”

The behavior in question was screened on previous week’s show when a contestant named Jake Muck walked onto the audition stage in Austin, Texas.

Tyler told him: ‘You know what Muck rhymes with, don’t you?’ The contestant replied: ‘Duck’.

To which Aerosmith frontman Tyler said simply: ‘Read my lips.’

It’s curious that producers would choose to air an apology for footage they chose to keep in the edited show. Unless, of course, it was just a cheap ploy to drum up free press for their now-flagging prime time gem. But far be it from Fox to resort to such cheap parlor tricks! Especially when there’s gratuitous full-body shots of contestant Jacqueline Dunford’s unbelievable ass to be had. Leave it to Fox to consider “lowest common denominator” a challenge.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

With only five days to practice after shooting for the third season of Jersey Shore wrapped, The Situation tied for last place on the Dancing With the Stars premiere last night. According to Us Magazine:

The Situation said [before the show], “I am most worried about not being prepared for my first dance.”

And he wasn’t.

Of his cha cha, judge Len Goodman said, “It lacked polish. You’ve got the guns, but not the ammunition. Better luck next week.” Bruno Tonioli told him, “You’re gonna look like a jackass if you carry on like that… you have to take this seriously.”

He and partner Karina Smirnoff walked away with 15 out of 30, tying Margaret Cho and David Hasselhoff for the lowest score of the night.

I don’t think telling The Situation that he’s gonna “look like a jackass” if he keeps it up is gonna light any kind of fire underneath him. He’s already made millions by looking like a jackass on Jersey Shore, and said jackassery is what landed him on DWTS in the first place. That’s like trying to threaten Britney Spears with a pound of bacon and one of those nut-covered cheese logs.

The Situation, Audrina Patridge, and Sarah Palin (Hasselhoff after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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What better way to kickstart your weekend than watching Kim Kardashian getting punched in the face? It seems the logical order of events, since you’ve already seen her get pissed on and drilled like an Alaskan shoreline. Us Magazine says

On Sunday’s Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian steps into the ring for a charity boxing match — with harsh results.

She ends up taking several punches to the face.

“I’ve never been hit so hard,” Kim, 29, says in the clip (above).

The only way I’d enjoy this more is if her helmet had flown off in the middle of it all. And maybe if instead of a boxing ring, it was set of concrete stairs surrounded by a moat filled with crocodiles and sharks and sharpened wooden poles dipped in cyanide. But no sense in getting greedy, is there? If there’s one thing this whole Haiti travesty has taught me, it’s to be grateful for what I’ve got. So, thank you, Jesus, for this wonderful clip of Kim Kardashian getting her ass kicked. Amen!

More of her doing what she does best — sucking:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

You would think it would be impossible to make a video of a girl taking a big load of champagne in the face bukkake-style unsexy, but you’d be fucking wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. All you have to do is show the champagne hitting her face in reverse slow motion and star Hayden Panettiere. I’ve seen footage of college girls throwing up after a kegstand that was sexier than this crap.

Other inexplicably unsexy pictures of Hayden:

Oprah Winfrey is expected to announce on her show today that The Oprah Winfrey Show will cease production in 2011. That sound you hear is the collective wail of middle-aged housewives everywhere sobbing into a Rocky-Road-stained copy of “East of Eden.” The president of Harpo Production said in a statement

“Tomorrow, Oprah will announce live on The Oprah Winfrey Show that she has decided to end what is arguably one of the most popular, influential and enduring programs in television history. The sun will set on the Oprah show as its 25th season draws to a close on September 9, 2011.”

Well, there’s still her network, her magazines, her books, her radio show, her production company, her film company, and her school. I think we’ll somehow manage to find a way to cope in her absence.

UPDATE: Now with weepy video action!

Former Miss California and heterosexual marriage champion Carrie Prejean went on Larry King Live last night to promote her new book “Still Standing” and ended up storming off the set when he pressed her about the reason behind her settlement with Pageant officials (that would be the sex tape they screened in front of her mom at mediation, remember?) Only by “storming off,” I mean “grappling with her mic like a retard at a shoe-tying contest and then sitting there with a stupid shit-eating grin on her face for a whole goddamn minute after she finally gets it off.” Yeah, take that, old guy! Gawker says

Larry King broaches the subject of the lawsuit Carrie settled with Miss California USA [because they were in possession of her sex tape]. Then, Carrie complains that King is “being inappropriate,” and after a full minute of wrangling, she removes her microphone and announces she is leaving—only to end up sitting there for another minute, playing the “I ca-a-an’t he-e-ear y-o-o-ou” game until Larry cuts to commercial.

God love her, this girl needs a gay man in her life. She needs like six of them. Now those bastards know how to make an exit. You break something, you throw something, you speak in a voice 20 decibels louder and three octaves higher, and you finishing by throwing what’s left of your appletini in your lover’s face while snapping your fingers and bobbing your head like it was mounted on a fucking spring-loader. Carrie Prejean: FAIL.

Nobody watches Gossip Girl no matter how much they push the envelope or gay it up. Point in question: Hilary Duff and Jessica Szohr’s “lesbian kiss” on Monday night’s episode. You won’t find word one about it in any magazine. I’m sure some outraged parents sent in a few spittle-flecked emails to the CW, but everybody knows that what old people say doesn’t count. Besides, I’m pretty sure I’ve kissed my own stepmother with more erotic verve and passion. And no, I don’t want to talk about it. It was late night and I had been drinking, okay? Who are you to judge me?

Six screen caps here; four more after the jump:

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It seems that Jennifer Love Hewitt took on the role of a stripper on her show “Ghost Whisperer” late last month, but given that nobody actually watches that piece of shit, it’s only now becoming news. Even though she’s supposed to be a stripper, she never actually strips, and her lingerie is so gigantic and flesh-concealing that could easily pass for a 1940′s bathing suit. She might as well be in a goddamn turtleneck and hip waders. Two words: EPIC FAIL. Also: BACK FAT.

Disappointing screen caps (8 more after the jump):

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Crack might be “wack,” and crack might be “cheap,” but judging by her X Factor performance on Sunday night, Whitney Houston is back to basin’ again (FF to the 4:00 mark for the especially crack-y stuff). Star Magazine says

The admitted drug user’s bizarre appearance on Britain’s The X Factor raised eyebrows Sunday, as she nervously struggled through her song “Million Dollar Bill,” and seemed disoriented during the interview afterward.

When asked by the host when her album was to be released, Whitney paused and stared at the ground before stammering, “Yeah, the um…the album? It should released this weekend or next week sometime. I’ll be back here in April for the tour.”

When [the host] asked her what she thought of the talent, Whitney again looked at the floor for the answer. “I thought that they were…um…how do I put this? Really good.” Then she fiddled with her nose and added, “So that’s um…they’re young.”

Jesus Christ she’s freakin’ twitchy! All that’s missing is a herkie into a pile of folding chairs and a nervous smelling of the fingers she had shoved under her armpits during her Meredith Baxter-Birney monologue and she could be the old black version of Mary Katherine Gallagher.

David Letterman admitted on CBS’ “Late Show” last night that he had been the victim of a $2 million dollar extortion attempt by a producer at “48 Hours” stemming from his sexual encounters with several women currently in his employ. Letterman, of course, has been married to Regina Lasko since March, after dating her for 23 years, but in his defense, she looks like she should be in construction, or the very least a member of the East German Hammer Throwing Team. According to Variety

On the show, Letterman sat down behind his desk and [said he had] received a package three weeks ago from someone who claimed to have information about alleged sexual relations he has had with female employees of the “Late Show.”

“I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says, ‘I know that you do some terrible, terrible things. And I can prove that you do these terrible things.’ Sure enough, contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things,” Letterman said.

The host said the alleged extortion suspect claimed he planned to write both a movie screenplay and a book based on what he knew — that Letterman had engaged in sex with staffers.

Letterman said the individual threatened to go public with the allegations unless Letterman paid the person $2 million.

The host, under advisement of his attorney, met with the man on three different occasions. According to Letterman, the suspect even made it clear he knew what he was doing was illegal.

Letterman told his audience that he then contacted the Manhattan District Attorney’s Special Prosecution Bureau. The meeting with the D.A. led to a sting operation, in which Letterman met with the individual and handed the person a fake $2 million check. That person was arrested on Thursday.

$2 million? Are you kidding me? In this economy? If the extortionist had kept it reasonable, say, $500,000 and maybe the property rights to Paul Shaffer, he would have his money and his little muppet, too. Now all he’ll have to keep him company are Angelo the Serial Stabber and the nickname “Cream of Meat.”

Kim Kardashian on the show last night:

I posted a link about the “So You Think You Can Dance” vagina flasher in the quickies today, but TMZ only had the one disappointingly censored picture of Contestant #22036′s crotch. There’s where I step in with a full sixteen seconds of slow motion audition video of what may or may not be a black person, possibly a Pacific Islander, flashing the judges as she wallows in the floor. Granted, she could just be wearing a brown thong or cursed with the kind of booty fat that hangs down low and gives the appearance of being labial in nature. I don’t know. I’ve watched it three times now and I still don’t see it. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t keep trying! That’s just my strong work ethic for you.

SNL’s newest cast member Jenny Slate inadvertently dropped the F-bomb on the Megan Fox- hosted season opener of the show Saturday night. The NY Daily News says

Rookie Jenny Slate let slip the mother of all swear words in a skit in the season debut.

Slate was doing a biker chick talk-show skit with co-star Kristen Wiig when the curse word fell. “You know what? You freakin’ just threw an ashtray full of butts at my head,” Slate told Wiig.

Then she got a little too in character, adding; “You know what? You stood up for yourself, and I f—– love you for that.”

Producers replaced Slate’s mistake with “freakin’” for West Coast airings.

And that, sadly, was the most interesting moment of the entire show, which ranked between “seventh circle of hell” and “hemorrhoid surgery” on the watchability scale. A position only ever previously held by “George Lopez” and “The XFL!”

A sketch with the comedic stylings of Brian Austin Green, plus Megan’s monologue after the jump:

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