Lindsay Lohan is telling everyone who’ll listen just how sober and serious about her career she is now, but she spent most of Sunday night in a Chateau Marmont bathroom stall and staggering around slurring her words. Funny, I did the very same thing Sunday night, except I was at Denny’s. Radar Online says:

The Mean Girls star was with friends at the infamous watering hole/hotel and was spotted going to the bathroom frequently.

“Lindsay was spotted going to the restroom with a male companion on numerous occasions in a short amount of time,” an eyewitness [said]. “When the two of them emerged from the bathroom, Lindsay was giggling and her nose appeared red. Lindsay was spotted only drinking water in the lounge area, but she appeared to be loaded on something, and she seemed under the influence. Lindsay’s eyes were glassy and her pupils were constricted.”

A second eyewitness [added] that Lohan, wearing a plunging v-neck black dress sans bra Sunday night, was “definitely on something. She was slurring her words, and needed help walking at one point.”

Well, it’s like they say, “A leopard can’t change his spots.” Especially if those spots are actually sores and freckles.

Out in L.A. without a bra. Surprise:

I guess that Sober Valley Lodge was a fucking sham, man. TMZ says:

[Charlie Sheen's ex-wife] Brooke Mueller was arrested last night in Aspen, Colorado on suspicion of felony cocaine possession.

Police found Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife inside a nightclub called Escobar after she allegedly assaulted some woman at a nearby drinking establishment.

In addition to cocaine possession, Brooke was also booked on a misdemeanor 3rd degree assault charge.

She was released from the Pitkin County jail this morning on $11,000 bond.

This is exactly why you don’t hire Charlie fucking Sheen to be your sober coach. You wouldn’t hire Roseanne Barr to be your nutritionist or Adolf Hitler to teach anger management, would you? Dumbassery at its absolutely finest.

Joe McGinniss’ highly anticipated book “The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin,” is about to hit bookshelves near you, and what better way to generate free press for it than by claiming Sarah Palin did cocaine, her husband’s business partner and a huge black dude before she was in office. Radar Online says:

The book, which is due to be published on September 20, alleges that just one year before she eloped with Todd, Sarah enjoyed a steamy interracial one-night stand with 6-foot-8 basketball great, Glen Rice. Sarah is said to have met the sportsman in 1987 when he was playing a college basketball tournament in Alaska and she was working as a sports reporter for local station KTUU.

It also details an extramarital affair between Sarah and [her husband's former business partner], which is alleged to have lasted six months.

The book also charges that before she became Alaska Governor, both Sarah and Todd dabbled in cocaine use and claims she was once seen snorting the drug off an overturned 55-gallon oil drum while snowmobiling with friends.

She didn’t just do cocaine; she did cocaine off an oil drum. Only a Republican could work in Big Oil while getting geeked. Dick Cheney probably just came in his pants.

In short shorts with her grandson Tripp last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

A former boyfriend of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s 18-year-old daughter Bobbi Kristina is alleging that she is addicted to cocaine — and he sold a couple of photos of her hoovering up blow at a party last month to prove it. The Daily Mail says:

In the pictures, a woman alleged to be Kristina is shown snorting lines of a white powdery substance, alleged to be cocaine.

According to the National Enquirer, she was snapped using the drug at two different parties.

The article that she regularly indulges in marijuana and ‘guzzles beer and gets smashed on grain alcohol.’

Bobbi Kristina was quick to respond last night after the photos were made public, tweeting:

A former very dear person to me did this. Set me up to make it look exactly what it looks like. God will smite them yes…

But it’s really not what it looks like… People will do anything for money which is extremely sad, and I’m very hurt by this.

Thing’s people do these days to hurt others is a shame. All I can do now, is keep my head up high, keep looking towards the lord.

All the lord is telling me is be still. That’s all, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. #BeStill.

I think she’s telling the truth. No way a person addicted to cocaine looks like this. She was probably just snorting powdered sugar in those pictures. It takes too long to wait for them to turn into into frosting, and Type II Diabetes bows to no man. Probably because it’s still recovering from another hip replacement.

It turns out that a diet consisting of cocaine, booze, pussy and more cocaine isn’t actually a miracle elixir for robust health and longevity — not only does it tax your liver and organs, but it also has a tendency to make your teeth fall out. Just ask Charlie Sheen. The Daily Mail says:

The grim facts about Sheen’s [dental issues] were revealed by the 22-year-old porn star who partied with the actor at his Los Angeles home.

Kacey Jordan, who admitted to having ‘quick sex’ with the actor, said Sheen was moaning about the state of his teeth.

She said: “All his teeth have fallen out from partying. He kept saying, ‘Fucking [veneers]… they’re crap.’ He said he had to get gold teeth. Most of his teeth fallen out — he wouldn’t say why — but we all know its because of the drug use.”

Well, teeth or no teeth, Charlie Sheen wants you to know he’s perfectly fine and that everything that happened was “no big deal,” despite TMZ revealing that he’ll be in rehab for the next three months. He told Radar Online:

“I’m fine. People don’t seem to get it… Guy can’t have a great time and do his job also? Bunch of turds.”

Yeah, why can’t a guy have a good time without everybody freaking the hell out? And for that matter, why can’t a guy let his teeth rot clean out of his skull if he wants to? Aren’t teeth really just superfluous, anyway? It’s not like you need to chew Wild Turkey or cocaine. Ask any truck stop hooker, she’ll tell you. Unless you’re a beaver, they really just get in the way.

Charlie Sheen was quietly discharged from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center last night, but not before one of his people addressed the media to give them the low-down on what REALLY happened Wednesday night. Are you ready for it? Here goes. Extra says:

Charlie’s friend Steve Brodersen [says] the pain is the result of a hernia injury, worsened when Sheen laughed too hard at the TV.

Doctors tell Sheen he may need surgery to repair the hernia, for which he’s been treated in the past.

That’s just plain insulting. What kind of morons do they take us for? He’s in the hospital because he laughed too hard? Please. I’d sooner believe an alien baby clawed its way out of his body via his belly button. Which I’m not ruling out as a possibility, by the way. There was this one time in college that I woke up in a Waffle House bathroom without any pants. I won’t go into too much detail here, but suffice it to say there was plenty of evidence that I had been probed at some point in the night. Also my memory had been erased. And who other than aliens has that kind of power? Who besides an alien would use maple syrup as lubricant?

And speaking of lubricant, that reminds me — here’s the other lady Charlie was with the morning he was hospitalized. See if you can guess from her pictures what she does for a living.

UPDATE: As of late this afternoon, Charlie Sheen has voluntarily checked himself into rehab. For his problem with laughing. Makes total sense.

NSFW Melanie Rios:

One of the nice ladies who was with Charlie Sheen the night before he was hospitalized was the 22-year old star of such favorites as “Fuck My Mom and Me” and “Bohemian Buttfest,” Kacey Jordan. You might better recognize her from her snatch, seen here at Charlie’s house in the wee hours of the afternoon before he wound up unconscious in the ER. And just how does Charlie ply such delicate flowers, you ask? Hint: it’s not just cocaine and a chance to become the victim of assault and battery. Radar Online says:

Charlie Sheen promises to buy [the porn stars who service him] extravagant gifts.

His latest promise was made to Kacey Jordan, in the form of a brand new convertible Bentley.

“Ok for all the f**king haters… I’m getting a baby blue convertible Bentley next month so I dunno…HUSH fml,” the 22-year-old porn star wrote on her Twitter account Wednesday afternoon.

Seems Kacey may have gotten her hopes up in the aftermath of Charlie’s hospitalization – just like the porn stars that came before her, she’s hired a lawyer.

I wanna back up and just review that photo one more time. There are so many layers. Like an onion, only stinkier. Look past her puss and survey what’s on the table. First you’ll notice the can of Coca-Cola and a pack of smokes. Okay. That’s normal. But then there’s the disinfecting wipes. And… some Listerine. Hand sanitizer. Is that aftershave? And what the hell is that pink thing in the back? Throw in a pair of needle-nosed pliers and a car battery and you’ve got the sort of spread you’d expect to see after spending four hours bound and gagged in the trunk of an unmarked car. All that’s missing here is the shovel and a shallow grave.

Incredibly NSFW:

Either Jenna Dewan’s been doing a bunch of blow, or she was shotgunning Louis XVI’s wig before she hit the red carpet. I’m not much for 18th-century deposed king hair myself.

At the GQ Man of the Year party with husband Channing Tatum last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

It’s sounding more and more like Disney pukling Demi Lovato’s stint in rehab has less to do with her anger issues and a whole lot more to do with her substance abuse problem. The NY Daily News says:

“She was doing line after line [of cocaine] like a pro — and she was 17 at the time,” Texas college student Brian Payne told Life & Style magazine.

Payne [said] he witnessed the Disney Channel star snorting cocaine during a party [at the North Richmond Hills house of a friend following a concert in Dallas] last December.

Payne said he and the “Sonny With A Chance” star partied all night.

“I just remember her doing [cocaine] as if she had been doing it for a long time,” Payne said. “It didn’t seem like something new to her.”

The 18-year-old Lovato’s hard partying apparently continued right up to the point she checked into a treatment center last week.

But don’t let’s forget the boozing:

“Demi’s been on a tear lately. She’ll chug booze straight from the bottle,” a source close to Lovato [revealed].

“Since Joe dumped her, Demi’s been depressed and drinking a lot. It’s been hard for her to keep working so closely with Joe,” another unnamed source told Life & Style.

So she’s “coke-binging and boozing like a pro,” is she? I thought most people just referred to that as “Charlie Sheen.”

Charlie Sheen doesn’t like to wait till he gets home to get his coke-fueled puss party on — he got naked and geeked up in the restaurant bathroom before he ever even made it to the Plaza Hotel the night he was taken to the hospital. Radar Online says:

“Charlie was wasted at the restaurant,” one source [said]. “He was snorting cocaine and drinking vodka [and] wine.

At one point he convinced [porn star call girl] Capri Anderson to go to the bathroom with him. When they got into the bathroom he started snorting cocaine and then took off his pants.

Charlie wanted to have sex with Capri and tried but she stopped him and demanded her $12,000. He didn’t have the money on him so she left him in the bathroom!

Capri returned to the table and Charlie’s assistant got nervous when he didn’t come back. She told him and the assistant went to the bathroom to get Charlie.

When the assistant opened the door, there was Charlie standing there naked with cocaine all over his face! He was delusional and just completely lost. Totally out of it.”

You’d almost need a chaser after giving Charlie Sheen a blowjob these days. I bet a little salt first and lime after would really help with the afterburn.

See photos from their date night here; Charlie leaving a film set in L.A. yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

More details have emerged about what led up to Charlie Sheen’s unfortunate “allergic reaction to medication” that resulted in $7,000 worth of damage to a Midtown hotel yesterday. According to TMZ:

Charlie’s alcohol-fueled rampage began at a restaurant called Daniel near the Plaza Hotel where [he] was staying. He, three other men and five women had an 8:00 PM reservation Tuesday night and Charlie was drinking heavily. Denise Richards, we’re told, went to the dinner but left fairly quickly after things got wild.

Charlie brought one of the women back to his hotel room and soon thereafter people on his floor heard what they say was primal screaming and swearing from inside the room. Charlie was calling the woman a whore and other names, when people started to complain.

We’re told Charlie ripped the curtains, overturned tables, damaged a lighting fixture and broke glass, which cut his toe open.

Of course, Charlie tested positive for cocaine during his psychiatric evaluation at the hospital, despite just having finished a stint in court-ordered rehab after threatening to kill his other ex-wife, Brooke Mueller. But he doesn’t need to go back to rehab, because this was really more of a “bump in the road” than a full-blown relapse. TMZ says:

Charlie Sheen [acknowledges] he screwed up in New York City, but has no plans to return to rehab.

People who have direct contact with Charlie tell us he wants to “move on.”

Charlie went home Tuesday night after landing in L.A.

And the best part about all this? Charlie Sheen is currently the highest-paid actor on US televesion. THE highest. You could mulch your backyard with Ben Franklins and wipe your ass with solid gold bars and still not piss away as much money in a year as this guy does in a weekend. I guess this is just what happens when an chlamydial force meets an multi-penetrable object.

Denise Richards talking about the trip to the hospital with Joy Behar:

Paris Hilton plead guilty to misdemeanor drug possession today in order to avoid jail time stemming from her August arrest in Las Vegas. According to TMZ:

In exchange she must pay $2,000 in fines, complete 200 hours of community service and complete an “intensive” substance abuse program. She will also be on probation for one year.

The judge informed Paris that she has been given a one year suspended sentence — which means if she is arrested for anything other than a minor traffic violation, she will spend 1 year behind bars.

I thought Lady Justice was supposed to carry a sword. Apparently if you’re a celebrity, it’s really more of a rubber dildo. And she’s not so much wielding it as she is shoving it in her own ass and crying.