Whitney Houston’s final autopsy report was released today, and it will probably shock you to hear this, but… cops found cocaine in Whitney’s hotel room. In more than one place. And it appears that she had been doing cocaine for years. Who knew? She certainly hid it so well! TMZ says:

The report, which gives a detailed description of Whitney’s room when officials arrived, says “Located on the south portion of the counter was a small spoon with a white crystal-like substance in it and a rolled up piece of white paper, along with other miscellaneous items.”

“Located in the top drawer, in the north side of the counter were remnants of a white powdery substance, and a portable mirror on a base.” Officials found more white powder on the base of the mirror.

Whitney’s body was discovered FACE DOWN in the bath tub … with a “bloody purge coming from her nose.”

The report notes Whitney had a history of substance abuse, which was evident by a “perforation of posterior nasal septum.”

The singer’s official cause of death is listed as accidental drowning — but heart disease and “chronic” cocaine use were contributing factors.

Face down with a bloody purge coming from the nose? Ooh, I know what I’m gonna be for Halloween!

In news that really isn’t news, drugs were a major factor in Whitney Houston’s untimely death. You can return to your regularly scheduled program. TMZ reports,

An official for the L.A. County Coroner’s Office just stated … Whitney Houston used cocaine immediately prior to her death.

Coroner Chief Craig Harvey just held a news conference — claiming the toxicology results suggested Whitney was a “chronic” cocaine user.

Harvey described the cocaine level in Whitney’s system as “acute” — indicating Whitney used the drug not long before she accidentally drowned in a bathtub at the Beverly Hilton hotel last month. “Accidental drowning” is listed as Whitney’s official cause of death.

According to Harvey, the autopsy revealed a 60% narrowing of Whitney’s arteries — a direct result of the chronic cocaine use. Harvey claims the artery constriction led to a cardiac event before her death.

As for the other drugs in her system — marijuana, Benadryl, Flexeril, and Xanax — which Harvey claims were all at or below therapeutic levels … and did not significantly contribute to her death.

It would all be pretty cut and dried, except for the fact that someone was able to rid her room of all incriminating evidence before the cops showed up:

Sources connected to Whitney Houston who were with Whitney the day she died tell TMZ … an individual removed all traces of cocaine from the room before authorities arrived.

The Coroner’s Office says Whitney used cocaine “immediately prior to her collapse.” Investigators who arrived on scene found no traces of cocaine or any other illegal substance.

One source who is extremely close to the situation tells us … the individual who removed the cocaine was also the person who supplied it to Whitney.

That has to be a lot of coke to narrow your arteries by 60%. Hell, she must have had so much of that shit in her system she farted white powder. It would be like that America’s Funniest Home Videos clip where the baby farts and sends a baby powder-loaded fart into the air, except of course it’s a lot cuter and there isn’t a cardiac arrest and inhalation of bath water involved. That doesn’t go very well with the family demographic.

Elizabeth Banks, Malin Akerman and Milla Jovovich at the Restoration Hardware Spring launch in LA:

Gerard Butler is expected to check out of the Betty Ford Center later today after completing a three-week stay for a dependence on prescription painkillers. TMZ says:

Butler’s problems were triggered by the physical demands of shooting “300″ in 2006. We’re told the actor began struggling with pain management, and the problem became exacerbated while filming “Of Men and Mavericks,” when Butler was badly hurt on December 18 during a surfing accident.

Butler realized he was relying too much on prescription drugs and decided to head off a full-blown addiction by entering Betty Ford three weeks ago.

Sources [say that] Butler also developed issues with cocaine, but the root problem appears to be the injuries and pain management.

Butler will be leaving Betty Ford later today.

Ten bucks says it wasn’t a “surfing injury,” but that the sex swing broke when the rest of the girls tried to climb on. It’s Gerard Butler we’re talking about here.

Lindsay Lohan is telling everyone who’ll listen just how sober and serious about her career she is now, but she spent most of Sunday night in a Chateau Marmont bathroom stall and staggering around slurring her words. Funny, I did the very same thing Sunday night, except I was at Denny’s. Radar Online says:

The Mean Girls star was with friends at the infamous watering hole/hotel and was spotted going to the bathroom frequently.

“Lindsay was spotted going to the restroom with a male companion on numerous occasions in a short amount of time,” an eyewitness [said]. “When the two of them emerged from the bathroom, Lindsay was giggling and her nose appeared red. Lindsay was spotted only drinking water in the lounge area, but she appeared to be loaded on something, and she seemed under the influence. Lindsay’s eyes were glassy and her pupils were constricted.”

A second eyewitness [added] that Lohan, wearing a plunging v-neck black dress sans bra Sunday night, was “definitely on something. She was slurring her words, and needed help walking at one point.”

Well, it’s like they say, “A leopard can’t change his spots.” Especially if those spots are actually sores and freckles.

Out in L.A. without a bra. Surprise:

I guess that Sober Valley Lodge was a fucking sham, man. TMZ says:

[Charlie Sheen's ex-wife] Brooke Mueller was arrested last night in Aspen, Colorado on suspicion of felony cocaine possession.

Police found Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife inside a nightclub called Escobar after she allegedly assaulted some woman at a nearby drinking establishment.

In addition to cocaine possession, Brooke was also booked on a misdemeanor 3rd degree assault charge.

She was released from the Pitkin County jail this morning on $11,000 bond.

This is exactly why you don’t hire Charlie fucking Sheen to be your sober coach. You wouldn’t hire Roseanne Barr to be your nutritionist or Adolf Hitler to teach anger management, would you? Dumbassery at its absolutely finest.

Joe McGinniss’ highly anticipated book “The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin,” is about to hit bookshelves near you, and what better way to generate free press for it than by claiming Sarah Palin did cocaine, her husband’s business partner and a huge black dude before she was in office. Radar Online says:

The book, which is due to be published on September 20, alleges that just one year before she eloped with Todd, Sarah enjoyed a steamy interracial one-night stand with 6-foot-8 basketball great, Glen Rice. Sarah is said to have met the sportsman in 1987 when he was playing a college basketball tournament in Alaska and she was working as a sports reporter for local station KTUU.

It also details an extramarital affair between Sarah and [her husband's former business partner], which is alleged to have lasted six months.

The book also charges that before she became Alaska Governor, both Sarah and Todd dabbled in cocaine use and claims she was once seen snorting the drug off an overturned 55-gallon oil drum while snowmobiling with friends.

She didn’t just do cocaine; she did cocaine off an oil drum. Only a Republican could work in Big Oil while getting geeked. Dick Cheney probably just came in his pants.

In short shorts with her grandson Tripp last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

A former boyfriend of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s 18-year-old daughter Bobbi Kristina is alleging that she is addicted to cocaine — and he sold a couple of photos of her hoovering up blow at a party last month to prove it. The Daily Mail says:

In the pictures, a woman alleged to be Kristina is shown snorting lines of a white powdery substance, alleged to be cocaine.

According to the National Enquirer, she was snapped using the drug at two different parties.

The article that she regularly indulges in marijuana and ‘guzzles beer and gets smashed on grain alcohol.’

Bobbi Kristina was quick to respond last night after the photos were made public, tweeting:

A former very dear person to me did this. Set me up to make it look exactly what it looks like. God will smite them yes…

But it’s really not what it looks like… People will do anything for money which is extremely sad, and I’m very hurt by this.

Thing’s people do these days to hurt others is a shame. All I can do now, is keep my head up high, keep looking towards the lord.

All the lord is telling me is be still. That’s all, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. #BeStill.

I think she’s telling the truth. No way a person addicted to cocaine looks like this. She was probably just snorting powdered sugar in those pictures. It takes too long to wait for them to turn into into frosting, and Type II Diabetes bows to no man. Probably because it’s still recovering from another hip replacement.

It turns out that a diet consisting of cocaine, booze, pussy and more cocaine isn’t actually a miracle elixir for robust health and longevity — not only does it tax your liver and organs, but it also has a tendency to make your teeth fall out. Just ask Charlie Sheen. The Daily Mail says:

The grim facts about Sheen’s [dental issues] were revealed by the 22-year-old porn star who partied with the actor at his Los Angeles home.

Kacey Jordan, who admitted to having ‘quick sex’ with the actor, said Sheen was moaning about the state of his teeth.

She said: “All his teeth have fallen out from partying. He kept saying, ‘Fucking [veneers]… they’re crap.’ He said he had to get gold teeth. Most of his teeth fallen out — he wouldn’t say why — but we all know its because of the drug use.”

Well, teeth or no teeth, Charlie Sheen wants you to know he’s perfectly fine and that everything that happened was “no big deal,” despite TMZ revealing that he’ll be in rehab for the next three months. He told Radar Online:

“I’m fine. People don’t seem to get it… Guy can’t have a great time and do his job also? Bunch of turds.”

Yeah, why can’t a guy have a good time without everybody freaking the hell out? And for that matter, why can’t a guy let his teeth rot clean out of his skull if he wants to? Aren’t teeth really just superfluous, anyway? It’s not like you need to chew Wild Turkey or cocaine. Ask any truck stop hooker, she’ll tell you. Unless you’re a beaver, they really just get in the way.

Charlie Sheen was quietly discharged from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center last night, but not before one of his people addressed the media to give them the low-down on what REALLY happened Wednesday night. Are you ready for it? Here goes. Extra says:

Charlie’s friend Steve Brodersen [says] the pain is the result of a hernia injury, worsened when Sheen laughed too hard at the TV.

Doctors tell Sheen he may need surgery to repair the hernia, for which he’s been treated in the past.

That’s just plain insulting. What kind of morons do they take us for? He’s in the hospital because he laughed too hard? Please. I’d sooner believe an alien baby clawed its way out of his body via his belly button. Which I’m not ruling out as a possibility, by the way. There was this one time in college that I woke up in a Waffle House bathroom without any pants. I won’t go into too much detail here, but suffice it to say there was plenty of evidence that I had been probed at some point in the night. Also my memory had been erased. And who other than aliens has that kind of power? Who besides an alien would use maple syrup as lubricant?

And speaking of lubricant, that reminds me — here’s the other lady Charlie was with the morning he was hospitalized. See if you can guess from her pictures what she does for a living.

UPDATE: As of late this afternoon, Charlie Sheen has voluntarily checked himself into rehab. For his problem with laughing. Makes total sense.

NSFW Melanie Rios:

One of the nice ladies who was with Charlie Sheen the night before he was hospitalized was the 22-year old star of such favorites as “Fuck My Mom and Me” and “Bohemian Buttfest,” Kacey Jordan. You might better recognize her from her snatch, seen here at Charlie’s house in the wee hours of the afternoon before he wound up unconscious in the ER. And just how does Charlie ply such delicate flowers, you ask? Hint: it’s not just cocaine and a chance to become the victim of assault and battery. Radar Online says:

Charlie Sheen promises to buy [the porn stars who service him] extravagant gifts.

His latest promise was made to Kacey Jordan, in the form of a brand new convertible Bentley.

“Ok for all the f**king haters… I’m getting a baby blue convertible Bentley next month so I dunno…HUSH fml,” the 22-year-old porn star wrote on her Twitter account Wednesday afternoon.

Seems Kacey may have gotten her hopes up in the aftermath of Charlie’s hospitalization – just like the porn stars that came before her, she’s hired a lawyer.

I wanna back up and just review that photo one more time. There are so many layers. Like an onion, only stinkier. Look past her puss and survey what’s on the table. First you’ll notice the can of Coca-Cola and a pack of smokes. Okay. That’s normal. But then there’s the disinfecting wipes. And… some Listerine. Hand sanitizer. Is that aftershave? And what the hell is that pink thing in the back? Throw in a pair of needle-nosed pliers and a car battery and you’ve got the sort of spread you’d expect to see after spending four hours bound and gagged in the trunk of an unmarked car. All that’s missing here is the shovel and a shallow grave.

Incredibly NSFW:

Either Jenna Dewan’s been doing a bunch of blow, or she was shotgunning Louis XVI’s wig before she hit the red carpet. I’m not much for 18th-century deposed king hair myself.

At the GQ Man of the Year party with husband Channing Tatum last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

It’s sounding more and more like Disney pukling Demi Lovato’s stint in rehab has less to do with her anger issues and a whole lot more to do with her substance abuse problem. The NY Daily News says:

“She was doing line after line [of cocaine] like a pro — and she was 17 at the time,” Texas college student Brian Payne told Life & Style magazine.

Payne [said] he witnessed the Disney Channel star snorting cocaine during a party [at the North Richmond Hills house of a friend following a concert in Dallas] last December.

Payne said he and the “Sonny With A Chance” star partied all night.

“I just remember her doing [cocaine] as if she had been doing it for a long time,” Payne said. “It didn’t seem like something new to her.”

The 18-year-old Lovato’s hard partying apparently continued right up to the point she checked into a treatment center last week.

But don’t let’s forget the boozing:

“Demi’s been on a tear lately. She’ll chug booze straight from the bottle,” a source close to Lovato [revealed].

“Since Joe dumped her, Demi’s been depressed and drinking a lot. It’s been hard for her to keep working so closely with Joe,” another unnamed source told Life & Style.

So she’s “coke-binging and boozing like a pro,” is she? I thought most people just referred to that as “Charlie Sheen.”