Here’s one that will make your asshole pucker: Jon Gosselin has a sex tape. Hope you just haven’t had breakfast! According to the National Enquirer:

“[Jon's bodyguard] told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he’s seen the tape!” said Stephanie Santoro, Jon’s former flame and family nanny.

“He said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!”

“People close to Jon” paid a girl to slap uglies with him while they videotaped it? That’s kinda shady, isn’t it? It sounds like TLC found themselves a little loophole in case Tubby got any bright ideas about a lawsuit. Nothing says “unfit parent” like footage of you snorting blow off a hooker’s ass. Especially if your kids are the ones holding the camera and you keep yelling, “Hold the goddamn camera still, dumbass! You’re gonna fuck up my video again!” at the camera. Experience has taught me that Domestic Relations Courts tend to frown on that sort of thing.

Chubs arriving in Hawaii last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

It turns out that the dude arrested for allegedly burglarizing Lindsay Lohan’s home earlier this month was actually a friend of hers. What a surprise! TMZ says

Several people who worked with her on the movie “Labor Pains” — which was shot last year — [said] they saw Nick Prugo hanging out on the set with Lindsay. One person who worked on the set estimates she saw them together at least 10 times.

Prugo — who is 18 — was arrested for cocaine possession last February. He plead guilty and was placed in a drug diversion program. He was also arrested last month for DUI.

Boy, theft, DUI, cocaine arrest — throw in throat gonorrhea and he could be Lindsay’s long-lost twin brother. They’re so alike, it’s almost spooky!

Leaving Boa restaurant on Saturday:

Actress Kristin Chenoweth collapsed Sunday night at the Emmy Awards shortly after winning Outstanding Supporting Actress for her role in “Pushing Daisies.” Page Six says

Chenoweth suffered a crippling migraine and had to lie down in the Lipton Lounge backstage after collecting her award. A source said, “People rushed to help Kristin, but once the paramedics had arrived, she said she was embarrassed.” Her rep says Chenoweth is “feeling better.”

I was all prepared to say her “migraine” was really the result of puking up every other meal and constant coke binges (what is she, 90 pounds?), but it turns out Kristin has a well-documented case of Ménière’s disease, an inner-ear disorder which can cause vertigo, nausea and crippling headaches. Everyone knows that legitimate medical conditions are not very interesting, and if there’s one thing my brief stint writing for the New York Times taught me, it’s that lying is awesome. And also that Republicans are the devil. Therefore, “Kristin Chenoweth is an anorexic meth addict on the verge of complete self-destruction, possibly voted for George Bush!” And you can quote me on that.

Mischa Barton’s 5150 hold last Wednesday was the result of a three-day long coke binge that left her so depressed that her friends believed she was going to kill herself. White devil, white devil! NY Post

Photographed Tuesday at an LA hotel, the once-skinny Barton looked bloated and almost unrecognizable. Barton [was later seen] stumbling around poolside and at one point was topless.

A source close to Barton said, “She’s in very bad shape. She’s running out of money and can’t find love, so now she is looking for a good time to escape her misery. She is on a downward spiral. She is a mess. She is a suicidal, uninsurable mess.

You can survive a bad review, but when you don’t show up for the premiere of your new film, it’s not a good sign of where your career is heading.”

This is where your career ends up going. Just ask Lindsay Lohan:

At the opening of a Harrod’s store earlier this summer:

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Danielle Staub was granted a temporary injunction today against the release of a sex tape in which she stars with her former boyfriend. Give it another two weeks and it’ll be all over the interwebs for free. TMZ says

Her lawyer filed a complaint alleging [former boyfriend] Stephen Zalewski, who also appeared on the reality show, invaded her privacy and has caused her and her young daughters emotional distress.

Zalewski told Star magazine, “I’m definitely weighing my options as far as selling [the tapes] and getting them out there … She cost me so much money, why shouldn’t I make a few dollars?”

In other slut-related news, you might remember that her ex-husband claimed Danielle worked as a prostitute before being arrested for her role in an extortion plot masterminded by her Colombian cartel dealing boyfriend, all of which she categorically denied. Well, hey, guess what:

The Smoking Gun has obtained copies of FBI court documents from that bust.

The documents state that [Staub] was working as an escort when she became involved with local cocaine kingpin Daniel Aguilar. In June 1986, Daniel had [Staub] take a kilo of cocaine to Carmen Centolella, who was supposed to sell the drugs to four men. When [Staub] arrived, she was accosted by the men [and held] at gunpoint before fleeing with the cocaine.

When Aguilar learned what had happened, he orchestrated Carmen Centolella’s kidnapping. Centolella was beaten while he was held at Aguilar’s house for three days, during which phone calls were placed to his father demanding $25,000 ransom. According to the documents, [Staub] placed the first call to the father, during which she “threatened injury or death” to his son.

The FBI made their arrests and two months later — facing a possible sentence of 20 years in prison — [Staub] agreed to plead guilty to a single felony count of extortion and received to five years probation, in exchange for testifying against Aguilar. According to the documents, he was later sentenced to 15 years behind bars.

You know, I always wondered what Ron Burgundy meant by the term “smelly pirate hooker.” I don’t wonder anymore.

More rumors of lesbian discord between Lindsay Lohan and girlfriend Samantha Ronson, this time at ESPN The Magazine’s Pre-Super Bowl party last Friday. Fox News says

An angry-looking Lindsay hung out near Sam’s D.J. booth chain-smoking until the early hours while shooting her dirty looks. According to an insider, Lohan continued to grab Ronson’s Blackberry obsessively and check her messages before an inevitable feud broke out. The two later headed to the ladies’ to “sort it out” and came out smiling.

“Sort it out,” or “snort it out?” I think we all know the answer to that one. Besides, there was already a pretty good chance she’d been drinking:

While the [party goers] all enjoyed shots of Patron, the “reformed” rehabber made a public display of only drinking Red Bull, although… a secret stash of liquor was later found underneath Lilo’s table.

Well, to be fair, we can’t just assume she was drinking because someone discovered a bottle of booze under the table. For all we know, she might have been using the bottle neck to fuck herself under the table. It is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about here. We all know how angry her puss gets when it goes more than ten minutes without something inside it. Ho-han horny! Ho-han smash! We should really just give her the benefit of the doubt here.

Arriving in L.A. with Samantha, after telling people “she would die” if she had to fly coach:

In news that’s sure to shock and dismay you, new footage of singer Amy Winehouse snorting illegal drugs surfaced over the weekend. I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself. Breathing into a paper bag sometimes helps. The News of the World states

The troubled Back to Black star was secretly filmed hoovering up the Class A drug in a packed London pub… in Camden last month while standing in front of a Union Jack flag. Desperate for a fix, the singer is seen snorting the cocaine off a CD case in full view of partygoers.

In other equally shocking news, the Earth is round and Zac Efron is gayer than rainbow Christmas. Further bulletins as events warrant!

Before Blake and the drugs: