Charlie Sheen doesn’t like to wait till he gets home to get his coke-fueled puss party on — he got naked and geeked up in the restaurant bathroom before he ever even made it to the Plaza Hotel the night he was taken to the hospital. Radar Online says:

“Charlie was wasted at the restaurant,” one source [said]. “He was snorting cocaine and drinking vodka [and] wine.

At one point he convinced [porn star call girl] Capri Anderson to go to the bathroom with him. When they got into the bathroom he started snorting cocaine and then took off his pants.

Charlie wanted to have sex with Capri and tried but she stopped him and demanded her $12,000. He didn’t have the money on him so she left him in the bathroom!

Capri returned to the table and Charlie’s assistant got nervous when he didn’t come back. She told him and the assistant went to the bathroom to get Charlie.

When the assistant opened the door, there was Charlie standing there naked with cocaine all over his face! He was delusional and just completely lost. Totally out of it.”

You’d almost need a chaser after giving Charlie Sheen a blowjob these days. I bet a little salt first and lime after would really help with the afterburn.

See photos from their date night here; Charlie leaving a film set in L.A. yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

More details have emerged about what led up to Charlie Sheen’s unfortunate “allergic reaction to medication” that resulted in $7,000 worth of damage to a Midtown hotel yesterday. According to TMZ:

Charlie’s alcohol-fueled rampage began at a restaurant called Daniel near the Plaza Hotel where [he] was staying. He, three other men and five women had an 8:00 PM reservation Tuesday night and Charlie was drinking heavily. Denise Richards, we’re told, went to the dinner but left fairly quickly after things got wild.

Charlie brought one of the women back to his hotel room and soon thereafter people on his floor heard what they say was primal screaming and swearing from inside the room. Charlie was calling the woman a whore and other names, when people started to complain.

We’re told Charlie ripped the curtains, overturned tables, damaged a lighting fixture and broke glass, which cut his toe open.

Of course, Charlie tested positive for cocaine during his psychiatric evaluation at the hospital, despite just having finished a stint in court-ordered rehab after threatening to kill his other ex-wife, Brooke Mueller. But he doesn’t need to go back to rehab, because this was really more of a “bump in the road” than a full-blown relapse. TMZ says:

Charlie Sheen [acknowledges] he screwed up in New York City, but has no plans to return to rehab.

People who have direct contact with Charlie tell us he wants to “move on.”

Charlie went home Tuesday night after landing in L.A.

And the best part about all this? Charlie Sheen is currently the highest-paid actor on US televesion. THE highest. You could mulch your backyard with Ben Franklins and wipe your ass with solid gold bars and still not piss away as much money in a year as this guy does in a weekend. I guess this is just what happens when an chlamydial force meets an multi-penetrable object.

Denise Richards talking about the trip to the hospital with Joy Behar:

Paris Hilton plead guilty to misdemeanor drug possession today in order to avoid jail time stemming from her August arrest in Las Vegas. According to TMZ:

In exchange she must pay $2,000 in fines, complete 200 hours of community service and complete an “intensive” substance abuse program. She will also be on probation for one year.

The judge informed Paris that she has been given a one year suspended sentence — which means if she is arrested for anything other than a minor traffic violation, she will spend 1 year behind bars.

I thought Lady Justice was supposed to carry a sword. Apparently if you’re a celebrity, it’s really more of a rubber dildo. And she’s not so much wielding it as she is shoving it in her own ass and crying.

If you’re gonna tell the cops that the purse they found drugs in isn’t yours, you might wanna check and make sure you didn’t take pictures of yourself holding said purse and post them on your Twitter. Case in point: Paris Hilton. People Magazine says:

About a month and a half ago, Paris Hilton couldn’t help but brag about her sparkly new designer handbag.

“Love My New Chanel Purse I got Today. ,” she wrote on her Twitter page under a photo of the purse.

That Tweet may now being coming back to haunt her.

A photo of the heiress during the traffic stop just prior to her arrest last weekend in Las Vegas shows Hilton clutching a black Chanel purse that looks very similar to the one she swooned over on Twitter.

When a small baggie of cocaine allegedly fell out of her purse, she told police that she borrowed it from a friend.

And while we’re at it, if you’re gonna spend an ungodly amount of money on an overpriced designer purse, you might wanna try buying one that doesn’t look like it came out of a display case in the back of a Vietnamese nail spa. I’ve seen more convincing Chanel bags at Freaknik.

Paris Hilton is now staring down the barrel of one to four years in jail for felony possession of a controlled substance after being busted with cocaine last week. The District Attorney made it clear he was not interested in plea bargaining and wasted no time filing a case against her, setting her arraignment for October 27, apparently unfazed by her airtight alibi or her slew of star witnesses. Like Paris’ hair stylist (the gay poor man’s Fabio), who has come forward to testify that she did not “have time” for cocaine. A common lament among would-be drug users. If only there were more hours in the day! Radar Online says:

Paris Hilton’s hair stylist Michael Boychuck [says] that Hilton “wants everyone to know she does not do drugs and does not have time for that.

The cocaine they found did not belong to her. She would never do drugs or anything else for that matter to destroy what she’s worked so hard for.

I’ve known Paris for 18 years and can honestly say I’ve never seen her use drugs,” Boychuck continued.

I don’t think the lispy testimony of a celebrity hair stylist is gonna cut it. This is Vegas, not L.A. They don’t cotton to that “but I’m famous!” shit in Nevada. They might tell you “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” on the commercials, but they neglect to mention that staying might actually be in a 8 x 10 holding cell.

Police arrested Paris Hilton on cocaine possession charges after she and boyfriend Cy Waits were pulled over late night for leaving a Cheech & Chong-style trail of marijuana smoke from their vehicle. Yahoo News says:

The 29-year-old Hilton was in a car driven by a friend when it was stopped about 11:30 p.m. Friday after officers detected what they suspected to be marijuana smoke wafting from it.

During the stop, officers found what appeared to be a drug on Hilton and later tests showed that it was cocaine.

The socialite was booked into the Clark County Detention Center early Saturday [and] released before dawn on her own recognizance.

And her explanation for the night’s events? Airtight, of course! The coke the cops found in her purse was not hers — it was somebody else’s. And possibly a setup. TMZ says:

Hilton now says one of her friends recently borrowed the purse in question and “probably” put cocaine inside. Paris says she got the bag back but never checked the contents.

Paris is telling friends, “I had no idea the cocaine was there. I swear on my life. It could be a setup. Everyone knows how against cocaine I am.”

How come that explanation never works for any of the people I see on COPS? This is the third time she’s used that bullshit excuse (here on July 5th, and again on July 19th) and gotten away with it. The “I’m being framed” bit is a nice touch, though. Lindsay Lohan must have stepped in as acting consigliere.

In L.A. last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

In Vanity Fair‘s  September issue,  Lady Gaga reveals that she likes to do cocaine occasionally. Which would explain why her clothes look like something that came out of a drug trip. Us Weekly reports,

In a new Vanity Fair interview, Lady Gaga comes clean about her past dalliances with drugs.

The 24-year-old singer (real name: Stefani Germanotta) reveals she’s “terrified of heroin” but still does “mostly cocaine.”

“I won’t lie; it’s occasional,” she says in the magazine’s September issue. “And when I say occasional, I mean maybe a couple of times a year.”

She tells the magazine she doesn’t condone drug use in any way. “I do not want my fans to ever emulate that or be that way,” says the singer. “I don’t want my fans to think they have to be that way to be great. It’s in the past. It was a low point, and it led to disaster.”

She says she’s had scary experiences in the past.

“I was completely mental and had just been through so much,” she recalls after one scary incident.

She won’t explain what happened but says, “I hit rock bottom, and it was enough to send a person over the edge. My mother knew the truth about that day, and she screamed so loud on the other end of the phone, I’ll never forget it. And she said, ‘I’m coming to get you.’”

Instead of going to rehab, the singer went to her 82-year-old grandmother’s house in West Virginia. “I cried,” Gaga recalls. “I told her I thought my life was over and I have no hope and I’ve worked so hard, and I knew I was good. What would I do now? And she said, ‘I’m gonna let you cry for a few more hours. And then after those few hours are up, you’re gonna stop crying, you’re gonna pick yourself up, you’re gonna go back to New York, and you’re gonna kick some a–.’”

I bet I can guess what that “scary incident” is that she won’t talk about. She woke up one day after coming down from a weekend-long drug bender, and found she had a surgically attached penis.

Cocaine remains a popular drug among celebrities today, but only a few actually admit their addiction and enter into a cocaine rehabilitation facility.

A sampling of her drug-inspired costumes:

Picture source: Fame Pictures

Some cop pulled some quality Chief Wiggum-style police work when he mistook some cocaine in Lindsay Lohan’s possession for a breath mint. Says CelebrityFix of the incident,

Lindsay Lohan may have escaped a lengthy jail sentence because a police officer mistook her cocaine for a breath mint, according to a leaked police report.

The Santa Monica Police report from Lilo’s drink driving arrest in 2007 reveals that the officer who searched her thought he found a mint. He then threw it in the trash, contaminating the evidence.

“Now we know why Lindsay Lohan’s 2007 DUI case may have plea bargained so quickly,” writesTMZ.com after uncovering and publishing the report.

Apparently the officer “discovered a folded Clinique sun care card with an unknown substance caked on to the surface of the card in Lohan’s right rear pocket.”

“Some of the white substance fell to the floor,” writes the officer. “I used my foot to see what had fell but thought nothing of it. I did not recognise the substance attached to the card and initially thought the substance was a wet crushed breath mint.

“I put the card into the jail trash can next to the booking windows.”

The officer then admits, “I was looking at the floor and began to recognise the substance as resembling powder cocaine.

“I then recovered the card from the trash.”

The cop says the coke was in the trash for about two minutes before he put the card in an evidence envelope, then scooped up the coke that had fallen to the floor and placed it in a separate evidence envelope.

Who was this cop that he didn’t assume anything on Lindsay’s person could safely be assumed to be drugs? The “mint” being in a Clinique package didn’t seem a little strange? Yeah, I’m not buying it. Lindsay gave him an incentive to “accidentally” drop the evidence in the trash. Exhibit “B”: White powdery residue on Johnny Law’s dick.

Going to see “Eclipse” in LA:

During her first deposition in the civil suit brought by the girl she chased down Pacific Coast Highway drunk and high on cocaine in 2007, Lindsay Lohan plead the Fifth and refused to answer questions “regarding her drug use and/or possession.” Except the right against self-incrimination isn’t gonna fly anymore, because the judge is now ordering her to own up to her fuckery and admit she was high as a damn kite when she got that second DUI. Star Magazine says:

A California judge has ruled that Lindsay Lohan must answer questions about her alleged drug use in the civil lawsuit against her stemming from the actress’ 2007 car chase.

She’ll be asked if she was using cocaine the night that plaintiff Tracie Rice claims LiLo car-chased her on Pacific Coast Highway three years ago.

Lindsay was arrested for DUI and cocaine possession that night when police found two types of cocaine in her urine, and drugs in her pants pocket.

Lindsay is expected to give a deposition after her probation violation hearing on July 6.

Hang on — two types of cocaine? There are two? Why am I just now learning this? I thought cocaine was cocaine was cocaine, whether you snort it, inject it, or freebase it. It’s like finding out there’s an extra Christmas in the calendar year that nobody ever told me about.

Beauty, they name is Marlboro:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

Lindsay Lohan will be back in front of a judge this morning to determine the conditions of remaining free on bail after she violated the terms of her probation by failing to complete the mandatory alcohol education classes that were court-ordered after her second DUI arrest in 2007. To date, she’s only done ten of the thirteen required classes (and she didn’t show up to her own status hearing last week because she was so busy doing coke in France), but she still doesn’t understand why she would be facing jail time, because she was set up and none of this was her fault and ten is pretty close to thirteen in counting anyway. Us Magazine says

“I don’t see what reason I would go to prison for,” the actress, 23, tells Hollywood TV. “I’ve been more than compliant with everything having to do with the court system. I had no option but to stay [in Cannes because my passport was stolen]. I immediately was trying to find ways out.”

Of the photo of her apparently posing next to several lines of cocaine, Lohan explains fans pulled her into the room for a photo and she was unaware of the surroundings. “I wouldn’t know what was in the room,” she says. On Friday, she called the pics a “set up.”

Lohan also says she she should not go to rehab.

“I don’t see why I would even have to do that, considering I’ve been in compliance with everything that occurs when you’re in the court system for two DUIs,” she says.

Compliance is an awfully big word. Maybe no one explained to Lindsay it means “actually fulfilling the terms of your probation.” Not “intending to fulfill the terms of your probation,” and not “almost fulfilling the terms of your probation,” and certainly not “I would have fulfilled the terms of my probation if it weren’t for the countless sinister plots against me/death in the family/volcanic ash cloud/leprechauns/imaginary promotion of a movie that hasn’t even been filmed yet.” You can’t mow down a kid on a bike and then tell the judge, “Well, I intended to stop my car, and I almost stopped my car, and I totally would have stopped my car if I hadn’t needed to update my Twitter from my phone while I was driving, so this is really kinda the kid’s fault when you stop and think about it.” Not Guilty by Reason of Mental Defect defense is really the only chance this stupid cooze’s got left.

Back in L.A. this weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Several interesting pictures of Lindsay Lohan trying to obtain a passport in Cannes have made the rounds on the interwebs this morning, and by “trying to obtain a passport” I mean “doing cocaine,” and by “interesting” I mean “hey, look — cocaine.” TMZ says

Lindsay Lohan should’ve spent the last few nights trying to get her ass back to the U.S. — [but the above photograph is] what she was doing instead …

TMZ obtained several photos showing LiLo fully immersing herself in the French party scene the last few nights.

Well, now that she’s got her passport all sorted out, she’s on her way back home, right? WRONG. Try doing coke on a boat on for size:

Lindsay got off a yacht in Cannes this morning — at around 7:30 AM to be specific… after a night of partying.

Sources [say] Lindsay has booked a flight that will take her back to L.A. tomorrow, but we’re told Lindsay is asking around for a private jet to ferry her home. So far, no one is biting.

Lindsay is scheduled to be in court on Monday at 8:30 a.m.

The dude who is covering Lindsay’s face in the [photos below] says they got stranded on the boat because a friend took off in their car. He says Lindsay wanted to leave hours before and only went out because it was his birthday.

At this point, the only way she could could make her complete disregard for the American penal system any more clear to the judge would be to crawl up on the witness stand and take a dump, then wipe her ass with the stenographer’s notes and fuck herself with the gavel in front of the entire courtroom while grunting, “Who’s my bitch? Who’s my bitch? Aww, yeeeah… that’s my bitch!” through clenched teeth. Which I’m not entirely ruling out as a possibility.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

90210′s AnnaLynne McCord went undercover in a long brunette wig during a night out on the town with her sister last weekend. She might be able to hide the fact that she’s blond, but that hairpiece doesn’t do shit for hiding the fact that she’s geeked out of her fuckin gourd. The D.A.R.E. officers at my elementary school always said you should stay away from cocaine. That’s why I bought a 15-foot straw and one of those really long bridges you use to play pool.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News