Victoria’s Secret supermodel Heidi Klum spoofs Tom Cruise’s infamous Risky Business underwear scene in a new Guitar Hero 4 commercial directed by Brett Ratner, proving that not everything Ratner touches necessarily turns to shit. Just about 98% of it. Not that Ratner deserves any of the credit for the success of the commercial — you could give a mongoloid monkey a camera and a director’s chair and it’d be just as good. It’s scientifically impossible to fuck up “Heidi Klum in her underpants.” It’s like trying to fuck up the Sistine Chapel with more Michelangelo or Spring Break with more beer. In science terms, it just ain’t happening.

It pains me to say this, but Funny or Die’s Paris Hilton mock campaign ad is really funny. In response to the John McCain ad that used her image as a reference for Barack Obama’s “celebrity” status, several clever writers put together a wittily self-effacing response for Paris to parrot back to the cameras. God knows she could never come up with something that funny herself. Left to her own devices, it’d just be footage of her making “sexy” faces into the camera and blowing air kisses into a three way mirror. I’d rather watch Mario Cantone read the Physician’s Desk Reference aloud in a g-string and ladies’ sunhat.

Eva Mendes’ new Calvin Klein ad for his latest fragrance “Secret Obsession” has been banned by U.S. networks for its “racy content” (re: nipples). The NY Daily News says

The “We Own the Night” star caresses herself, rolls around in a rumpled bed and - oops! - flashes a nipple in the 30-second TV spot for Secret Obsession. “Between love and madness lies obsession,” Mendes whispers huskily. “Love … madness. It’s my secret.”

The ban “is not entirely a surprise for the U.S. market,” [said the] president of Calvin Klein, Inc. “We believe the commercial is exceptional. [The attention surrounding the ad] just reinforces our belief in the campaign, in true Calvin Klein fashion, sparks controversy.”

And it reinforces my belief that if something is spectacularly average and clichéd in every way possible, just toss some nipples in the mix and it’s magically avant-garde! Unless you’re applying for financial assistance or a bank loan, in which case nipples are more of a public indecency charge and nuisance. The more you know!