Scarlett Johansson’s acting skills rank just between Sofia Coppola in “Godfather III” and a second grade play about the four food groups. Really, she’s terrible. She sucks. I don’t know how in God’s name she’s lasted in Hollywood this long. Well, I take that back — I do know. It’s called “boobs.” But even boobs can’t salvage her craptacular performance in her latest Dolce & Gabbana perfume commercial. Everything about her performance is stilted, affected, and trite. If she were any more wooden, I’d expect them to cut to Geppetto wishing on a star for a real boy.
The first of the Russell Brand/Britney Spears VMA’s commercials hit the airwaves yesterday, and in this one, Russell and and a bikini-clad Britney communicate telepathically. So MTV’s brilliant advertising campaign is basically thirty seconds of Britney hearing voices in her head. What a stretch, huh? Maybe next they can shoot one where it burns when she pees or another where she chokes trying to swallow an entire fruit pie without chewing.
Since no respectable director in Hollywood wants anything to do with her ass, Lindsay Lohan has set her sights on becoming a runway model. According to OK! Magazine
[Lindsay] said that she would love to sign up with IMG, a top modeling agency that has been home to Kate Moss, Tyra Banks and Naomi Campbell.
And now an agency exec has told OK! that he would be happy to start negotiations with her. “She’s a beautiful girl and obviously knows a lot about fashion,” the Senior Vice President of IMG Models told us. “Providing that she was contractually free, we would take a meeting,” he added.
I did a little modeling myself back in the day, when I was in eighth grade and this photographer I met at the mall said I was a natural and that I should come back to his studio and to do a couple of head shots. Only his “studio” turned out to be the trunk of his car and the head shots didn’t involve my head at all, only my rectum and a tub of Crisco. You can see why it’d be the perfect career choice for Lindsay Lohan.
Victoria’s Secret supermodel Heidi Klum spoofs Tom Cruise’s infamous Risky Business underwear scene in a new Guitar Hero 4 commercial directed by Brett Ratner, proving that not everything Ratner touches necessarily turns to shit. Just about 98% of it. Not that Ratner deserves any of the credit for the success of the commercial — you could give a mongoloid monkey a camera and a director’s chair and it’d be just as good. It’s scientifically impossible to fuck up “Heidi Klum in her underpants.” It’s like trying to fuck up the Sistine Chapel with more Michelangelo or Spring Break with more beer. In science terms, it just ain’t happening.
It pains me to say this, but Funny or Die’s Paris Hilton mock campaign ad is really funny. In response to the John McCain ad that used her image as a reference for Barack Obama’s “celebrity” status, several clever writers put together a wittily self-effacing response for Paris to parrot back to the cameras. God knows she could never come up with something that funny herself. Left to her own devices, it’d just be footage of her making “sexy” faces into the camera and blowing air kisses into a three way mirror. I’d rather watch Mario Cantone read the Physician’s Desk Reference aloud in a g-string and ladies’ sunhat.
Eva Mendes’ new Calvin Klein ad for his latest fragrance “Secret Obsession” has been banned by U.S. networks for its “racy content” (re: nipples). The NY Daily News says
The “We Own the Night” star caresses herself, rolls around in a rumpled bed and - oops! - flashes a nipple in the 30-second TV spot for Secret Obsession. “Between love and madness lies obsession,” Mendes whispers huskily. “Love … madness. It’s my secret.”
The ban “is not entirely a surprise for the U.S. market,” [said the] president of Calvin Klein, Inc. “We believe the commercial is exceptional. [The attention surrounding the ad] just reinforces our belief in the campaign, in true Calvin Klein fashion, sparks controversy.”
And it reinforces my belief that if something is spectacularly average and clichéd in every way possible, just toss some nipples in the mix and it’s magically avant-garde! Unless you’re applying for financial assistance or a bank loan, in which case nipples are more of a public indecency charge and nuisance. The more you know!
