Meet Kim Kardashian’s Sketchers spokesmodel replacement: a French bulldog in tiny sneakers. Sweaty spoiled Armenians with big fakes asses must not resonate with consumers like they used to. USA Today says:

The move [to replace Kardashian] comes about two months after she filed for a divorce from basketball star Kris Humphries, but Skechers executives insist that negative PR following the divorce filing has nothing to do with their decision.

“Kim got us more attention than we ever dreamed,” says Leonard Armato, president of Skechers Fitness. “But we have to establish Skechers as more than a lifestyle company.”

In the spot, the tiny dog — bedecked in Skechers’ new GOrun shoes — races a pack of greyhounds.

That’s a real one-eighty — from a commercial starring someone who likes getting peed on to a commercial starring someone who likes to pee on things. It’s your classic role reversal. Subtle AND clever. I like it, Skechers!

Her Skechers Super Bowl commercial:

Lingerie giant Agent Provocateur asked “Boardwalk Empire” star Paz de la Huerta to be the crotch face of their latest ad campaign, a sort of tongue-in-cheek nod to her staggering around with her tits out after pounding tequila at the Golden Globes. I guess the lingerie is supposed to give off a clumsy drunken whore vibe or something. To be honest, though, you could probably give off just as much clumsy drunken whore vibe with the right tube top and a little vomit in your hair.

Lindsay Lohan’s former girlfriend Samantha Ronson was arrested for DUI this morning in Baker, California. TMZ says:

[Ronson] was driving home from Las Vegas at 10:30AM in her black Porsche when she was pulled over for speeding.

She was given a field sobriety test and didn’t perform well. She refused to submit to a breathalyzer and was arrested on the scene.

She was transported to the Baker substation [and] blew over the legal limit.

Sam DJ’d last night at the Lavo nightclub in the Palazzo hotel in Vegas.

Saying Samantha looks like death warmed over wouldn’t really be accurate. She looks like death warmed over, but only after it’s been cooled down again, coagulated slightly, formed a thin skin and poked at with a stick. That kind of ugly should really be illegal.

Ex-GF Lindsay doing a commercial for Air New Zealand with a puppet while on house arrest, because that’s plenty enough ugly for one post:

House arrest hasn’t kept Lindsay Lohan from wearing bikinis and throwing house parties — or from earning a paycheck, for that matter. Why, just last weekend, our little stay-at-home convict shot a brand new commercial from within the confines of her apartment/prison. TMZ says:

Lohan got in front of the camera for an Internet penny auction site called Beezid.com.

A rep for the company tells us Lohan was originally offered $25k for the job (which the actress turned down) but the two eventually came to terms for an undisclosed amount.

Lindsay was also given a $10,000 credit to spend on the website.

Beezid sounds more like the name of a cartoon character in “Adventure Time” than a legitimate business that specializes in spyware, Trojan horses, rootkits and file infectors, but as you can plainly see, the site offers every kind of computer virus known to man. And clearly Beezid’s advertisers know when you think “virus,” you immediately think “Lindsay Lohan.” That’s name recognition at its finest, folks.

I don’t know what kind of feel they were going for with this Uma Thurman Schweppes commercial, but if it was “transsexual Jerry Hall impersonator’s awkward attempt at giving her first blowjob,” they fucking nailed it. It also works from a “broke-ass actress grasping at straws” angle, too. I guess it’s really open to interpretation.

A couple of Schweppes print ads, plus Uma at the premiere of Ceremony last month:

You would think if a company wanted to promote their shoes’ ability to tone and shape the gluteals, they wouldn’t have picked someone with a comically-oversize ass to be their spokesperson. Nothing about Kim Kardashian’s big fat bottom says “toned” or “shapely.” It says “smuggling Christmas hams” and “never-ending supply of crack sweat.” According to my most recent business model, there’s just not a big market out there for that.

Shooting a Skechers commercial with her mom Kris Jenner:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I don’t know much about Adidas’ new “All Adidas” line, other than it appears to be the collaborative efforts of a six-year old girl, the year 1967, and My Little Pony’s Twilight Sparkle. The only way you’d ever see me in that shit is if it granted the power of invisibility.

Katy Perry for All Adidas screen caps here; way-too-long commercial after the jump:

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New and improved Pepsi products! With a new secret ingredient: Smylex. Brought to you by the good folks at Gotham’s own Axis Chemicals!

Sofia Vergara here; David Beckham after the jump:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

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This is one of those stories that make your sphincter contract uncertainly. Kathy Griffin and the Old Spice Guy (Isaiah Mustafa) are totally doing it. Should I laugh? Should I cringe in horror? I’ve chosen somewhere in the middle: I’m holding onto my ass, rocking back and forth and hysterically laughing. Us Weekly says,

After the Bravo star was spotted around town with Isaiah Mustafa (a.ka. the Old Spice guy), a source confirms to UsMagazine.com that the two are indeed an item.

“They are not boyfriend/girlfriend but they are definitely spending time together and getting to know each other,” the source tells Us of the pair, who began seeing each other several months ago.

The 50-year-old comedienne even tweeted a photo of herself with Mustafa, 37, in late September, who she deemed “super hot” at the time. (Prior to his relationship with Griffin, the Chuck actor also romanced Scream 4′s Neve Campbell.)

The couple’s mutual attraction was obvious during Tuesday’s Costume Designers Guild Awards in Beverly Hills, where Mustafa was seen whispering in Griffin’s ear and kissing her hand. The following day, he visited the Griffin on the set of Glee, where the two were caught canoodling between takes.

Despite their fledgling romance, Griffin played coy about her love life when Us asked her about her Valentine’s Day plans at Clive Davis’ pre-Grammys party February 12.

“Once again, I’m going to be under some guy,” she joked.

The only thing I can think of that explains this strange pairing is that Isaiah mistook Kathy for a horse. I mean, it’s understandable. You look at her and your reaction is to feed her a sugar cube and put a bit in her mouth. Maybe he’s scouting for a new mount for another commercial. “Anything is possible when your man smells like a man and not a lady. I’m on a horse”.

Brushed and groomed:

After it received a number of complaints from Anglo-Saxon Protestant types that it was “too sexually provocative to be seen by young children before 7:30 p.m.,” the British Advertising Standards Authority has officialy banned a commercial featuring Beyoncé from daytime television. The freaks must come out at eight o’clock sharp on the other side of the pond. The Daily Mail says:

The ad shows the singer lying naked in the middle of a room.

She is then shown moving her hand down her neck and caressing her breast.

She begins dancing seductively with the camera showing her chest, back and thighs.

The ad closes with Beyoncé walking away from the camera, her footprints melting the floor. She turns and says: ‘Catch the fever.’ A male voiceover then says: ‘Beyoncé Heat. The first fragrance, by Beyoncé.’

Wait — so it’s supposed to be perfume? Well, that’s an unexpected twist! I just assumed it was hot sauce.

A few more screen grabs after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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The only way Eva Longoria’s MTV Europe Music Awards rap could be any less funny is if they just showed slow-motion footage of orphans getting their limbs blown off by landmines while Carlos Mencia beat-boxed in the background. This is exactly the kind of “funny” they’ll be piping over the speakers in Hell. Trust.

At the “Latinos Living the American Dream” premiere in L.A. last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

In Britney Spears’ commercial for her new fragrance Radiance, she visits a fortune teller, who offers to tell her the future. Britney declines, stating, “I choose my own destiny”. Funny that her new perfume is called “Radiance”. Guess who else’s future whas changed by the word “Radiant”? I’ll give you a hint: his friend was a letter-spinning spider, and a buttermilk bath made his skin shine before the contest at the county fair. Judging by her sparkly-glowy skin, I’m guessing they did the same thing for Britney. That’s sooome pig!