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If I’d known we were playing croquet with UFC Octogon girl Arianny Celeste as a human wicket, I would have totally played a round instead of just using the mallet to smash out the tail lights on my ex’s Chevy Caprice. Next time try to keep me a little better informed. Honestly.

Guess model Kate Upton does her best Elly May Clampett for the August/September issue of Complex magazine, and if you’re a fan of ham-fisted in-your-face sexual innuendo, today is your lucky day, my friend. She’s literally choking a chicken in one of the pictures. Apparently Beavis and Butt-Head traded their Burger World spatulas for an editing job at Complex magazine.

Video from the shoot after the jump:

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It’s hard to believe that the sexpot on the cover of next month’s Complex Magazine is really just the ugly chick from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” but hell if it isn’t. Michelle Trachtenberg really cleans up nice, doesn’t she? My goodness. I haven’t been this pleasantly surprised since that time I found a band-aid in my Garden Patch Salad at Po’ Folks. Free dessert, and my entire meal was comped, baby! High five!

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