Gwyneth Paltrow lubed herself up with some baby harp seal blubber and oozed her way onto The Tonight Show to have a nice chat with Conan O’Brien.  She’s so shiny I’m pretty sure you could see her vapid ass from space.  She’ll probably wax poetic in the next issue of GOOP about how you, too, can look like you swam in a vat of petroleum jelly for the bargain price of just €699.95 (or three quarts of fresh blood from a young virgin).  God, she’s so annoying.  There’s video, but it’s almost six minutes long and it’s not remotely funny or interesting and at one point Gwyneth says some weird shit about how her son thinks every white guy he sees is his father and then she tries to make it sound less racist by backtracking with something about how her kid thinks Metallica sounds exactly like Coldplay because apparently all white dudes sound the same and HOLY SHIT WHY WON’T THIS DUMB BITCH EVER SHUT UP?

NBC is expected to announce today that it has created a “Tonight Show, but During Prime Time” in a desperate bid to prevent host Jay Leno from jumping networks when his contract is up next year. Conan O’Brien is reportedly still slated to take over the real “Tonight Show” in May 2009, while SNL toolfest Jimmy Fallon will be assuming Conan’s old hosting gig. Your regular drinking alone and masturbating during the commercial breaks will remain unchanged. The NY Times says

Mr. Leno’s new show will appear at 10 o’clock each weeknight in a format similar to the “Tonight Show”… [and will] be set in Mr. Leno’s longtime studio in Burbank, Calif. Mr. Leno is expected to retain many of the most popular elements of his “Tonight Show,” including his monologue and “Headlines” and “Jay Walking.”

Mr. O’Brien, currently the host of NBC’s “Late Night,” will move “The Tonight Show” to a new studio on the NBC Universal lot in Universal City.

So it’s basically the same Tonight Show, only an hour earlier, and the same Conan O’Brien show, only an hour earlier. And then an hour-long fluffer before the infomercials known as Jimmy Fallon. No wonder NBC ranks last out of all the networks. A man with an eye for business would have given a two-hour variety show to the Masturbating Bear and a whimsical late-night cooking show to Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Gorilla Nurse Using an Old Fashioned Abdominal Exerciser While Listening to Angel in the Morning by Juice Newton. I know ratings gold when I see it!

And now for some Jennifer Lopez at the premiere of “Benjamin Button” last night, because her name also starts with J, only she has boobs (might want to write that one down, NBC!):

A Boston priest has been charged with stalking talk show host Conan O’Brien after sending him threatening letters for over a year. Those Catholics sure are chock-full of crazies! According to New York Times

A Feb. 20 letter [penned by Father Ajemian read]: “I’m told by some of those officious little usher people that you’re overbooked. Is this the way you treat your most dangerous fans? You owe me big-time, pal. I want a public confession before I even consider giving you absolution.”

An April 26 letter, signed Padre, said, “I am not Seung Cho,” apparently alluding to the gunman at Virginia Tech. The letter continued: “Even if I did once look out on that dark and dreaded doorway on West 72 Street, remember Frank Costello once dodged a bullet in your building, and so can you.” The gangster Frank Costello was shot and wounded in the lobby of the Majestic on West 72nd Street in 1957.

The priest said in his correspondence that he had followed Mr. O’Brien’s career since they both attended Harvard. When Father Ajemian was ordained in 2001, The Boston Herald said he was a “former Episcopalian who was turned on to religion partly by Federicio Fellini’s 1960 film ‘La Dolce Vita’ ”.

Incidently, Lindsay Lohan has a variant of “La Dolce Vita” tattooed on her ass. Therefore, it’s safe to assume “La Dolce Vita” is Italian for “Mark of the Devil.” And once you’ve been marked by the devil, well, there’s only one way to go: the Anal Train to Sodomyville. Last stop? Crazy Town. See your local parishioner for details.