Ashton Kutcher took to YouTube to bitch and whine about the injustice of being woken at 7:00 A.M. by the sound of his neighbor’s construction yesterday. Never mind that half the known world has already been awake for two GD hours by the time his precious beauty sleep was so thoughtlessly interrupted. And then, because he didn’t already sound like enough a tremendous asswipe, he went back and made an “apology” video, saying he was sorry for the earlier outburst, but it’s just that he likes being woken up by a “nice tune, like John Mayer or something sweet like that.” And that’s when I stopped watching, so I don’t know what happens after that. But four out of five experts agree that “changing his tampon” or “tucking his genitals between his legs and fondling his nipples in front of a mirror” is probably a safe bet.