Charlie Sheen has swiftly realized that his schtick is wearing thin and that he shot himself in the foot when he publicly maligned Two and a Half Men, so now he’s all but begging CBS to hire him back. Only in Charlieland, the way you ask for your job back involves concocting elaborate pretend negotiations with imaginary third parties in the hopes that nobody who actually works for the show will notice. The Daily Mail says:

The makers of Two and A Half Men today denied that they were in talks to reinstate Charlie Sheen on the show, despite claims from the actor.

Lawyers for Warner Bros. wrote in a letter to the actor’s attorney: “Those statements are false. As you know, there have been no discussions, there are no discussions and there will be no discussions, regarding his (Sheen’s) returning to or having any involvement with the series.”

But Sheen’s lawyer [claims] that the Warner Bros.’s claims that there were “no discussions” are “absolutely false… there have been discussions as late as Tuesday, and all parties have been involved – Warner Bros., CBS, Chuck Lorre and Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen was recently approached by a third party to resolve this matter,” Sheen’s lawyer claimed, but did not identify who the ‘third party’ was.

You mean the promises of a mentally-unbalanced self-deluded drug addict mean nothing? Well, then, who can we trust? Sorry, but I’m gonna need a moment here. I might even climb into the driver’s seat of my car and rest my forehead against the steering wheel, then stare pensively out of the window while pondering life’s meaninglessness. I just feel sorry for whoever else happens to be on the road while I’m driving.

Charlie in NYC:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

“American Idol” just put the final nail in its Nielsen coffin: they wrote Jennifer Lopez a check for the equivalent of the Gross Domestic Product of Burundi to replace former judges Ellen DeGeneres and Kara Dioguardi. Us Magazine says:

Jennifer Lopez is getting $12 million to serve as an American Idol judge next season.

On Monday, a source told Us that Lopez’s deal was set.

After a long negotiation process, “it ended up working out and they have a good agreement,” the source said.

She joins longtime Idol judge Randy Jackson and newcomer, Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler.

Only she’ll actually be paid in real American dollars, not dried chicken feet and HIV-positive orphans. When referencing the GDP of Burundi, I find it’s important to make that distinction.

At Fashion Week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Although auditions for the ninth season of American Idol start August 6, long-time judge Paula Abdul doesn’t even have a contract proposal from the show’s production companies yet. Maybe they just didn’t offer it in pill form. According to the LA Times

“Very sadly, it does not appear that she’s going to be back on ‘Idol,’” [said] David Sonenberg, Abdul’s manager.

“I think unnecessarily hurtful,” he said of the contract holdup. “I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that they haven’t stepped up and said what they want to do. I reached out to the head of business affairs at FremantleMedia and 19 Entertainment and told Fox that Paula would love to be on the show, [but] I have not received any proposal whatsoever.”

Representatives for Fremantle, 19 and Fox all separately declined to comment.

“She’s not a happy camper as a result of what’s going on. She’s hurt. She’s angry,” Sonenberg said. “I think at this point we’re going to be considering everything, including some kind of a competition show. She has tremendous ideas for a whole variety of shows.”

Boy, that “American Idol” is gonna rue the day, I tell you. Rue the day. Because where are they gonna find another judge who finds every contestant “stayed true to who they are” and “amazing” and “a breath of fresh air?” American Idol just shot itself in the foot. Well, metaphorically, of course. Not like that time Paula shot herself in the foot because she thought it was a musk rat. That’s just a unfortunate coincidence.

Some Hey Paula highlights plus various interviews where she’s high as a goddamn kite after the jump

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NBC is expected to announce today that it has created a “Tonight Show, but During Prime Time” in a desperate bid to prevent host Jay Leno from jumping networks when his contract is up next year. Conan O’Brien is reportedly still slated to take over the real “Tonight Show” in May 2009, while SNL toolfest Jimmy Fallon will be assuming Conan’s old hosting gig. Your regular drinking alone and masturbating during the commercial breaks will remain unchanged. The NY Times says

Mr. Leno’s new show will appear at 10 o’clock each weeknight in a format similar to the “Tonight Show”… [and will] be set in Mr. Leno’s longtime studio in Burbank, Calif. Mr. Leno is expected to retain many of the most popular elements of his “Tonight Show,” including his monologue and “Headlines” and “Jay Walking.”

Mr. O’Brien, currently the host of NBC’s “Late Night,” will move “The Tonight Show” to a new studio on the NBC Universal lot in Universal City.

So it’s basically the same Tonight Show, only an hour earlier, and the same Conan O’Brien show, only an hour earlier. And then an hour-long fluffer before the infomercials known as Jimmy Fallon. No wonder NBC ranks last out of all the networks. A man with an eye for business would have given a two-hour variety show to the Masturbating Bear and a whimsical late-night cooking show to Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Gorilla Nurse Using an Old Fashioned Abdominal Exerciser While Listening to Angel in the Morning by Juice Newton. I know ratings gold when I see it!

And now for some Jennifer Lopez at the premiere of “Benjamin Button” last night, because her name also starts with J, only she has boobs (might want to write that one down, NBC!):