A coroner’s report released in London today lists Amy Winehouse’s official cause of death as “an unintended consequence of drinking too much alcohol.” The NY Daily News says:

Coroner Suzanne Greenaway gave a verdict of “death by misadventure,” saying the singer had voluntarily consumed alcohol and risked the consequences.

A pathologist told the singer’s inquest Wednesday that Winehouse had consumed a “very large quantity of alcohol” and was more than five times over the legal drunk-driving limit when she died.

Five times the legal limit. Jesus. I bet her liver was the size of a fucking Christmas ham. She practically embalmed herself.

Amy Winehouse’s dad had been telling the papers for weeks now that Amy wasn’t on the bad shit when she died, and newly released toxicology reports confirm that there were no illegal drugs in her system at the time of her death. Booze, yes; crack cocaine, no. A rep for the family released the following statement (via TMZ):

“Toxicology results returned to the Winehouse family have confirmed that there were no illegal substances in Amy’s system at the time of her death.

Alcohol was present but it cannot be determined as yet if it played a role in her death.

The family would like to thank the police and coroner for their continuing thorough investigations. They await the outcome of the inquest in October.”

Before you mouth WTF?! and raise your eyebrows in disbelief, note that they said no illegal drugs were found in her system. Operative word here being “illegal.” Vicodin, xanax, ketamine and oxycodone and are all perfectly fucking legal. So is model airplane glue, VCR head cleaner, and gasoline. I bet the toxicology reports show you could use her liver to make your own Molotov cocktail.

Michael Jackson’s death was officially ruled a homicide by the Los Angeles County coroner yesterday, which suggests that Conrad Murray, the doctor who administered the anesthetic Propofol to Jackson the morning of his death, will probably go to jail on manslaughter charges. Meaning he’ll only be able to practice medicine in Mexico, India, Thailand, and South and Central America, Bangladesh, Turkmenistan, Laos and most of Papua New Guinea after he gets out. According to Us Weekly

Detectives have been investigating whether Murray’s decision to administer Jackson propofol outside a hospital and as a sleep aid would be classified as negligence for an involuntary manslaughter charge.

Murray told LAPD detectives he was nervous Jackson was becoming addicted to propofol, so he was trying to wean him off. He’d been lowering the dosages and mixing it with two other sedatives, lorazepam and midazolam.

On June 25 — the morning Jackson died — Murray gave Jackson valium at 1:30 a.m. When that was unsuccessful, he injected lorazepam intravenously at 2 a.m. At 3 a.m., he gave the still-awake singer midazolam. He continued to try different drugs over the course of the morning.

At 10:40 a.m., Murray gave Jackson 25 milligrams of propofol — down from his usual dosage of 50 milligrams — after Jackson repeatedly demanded the drug.

Murray told detectives he then left Jackson alone to make personal phone calls. When he returned, Jackson wasn’t breathing. He was declared dead at UCLA Medical Center later that day.

I, for one, am happy to live in a time where the government keeps finding new ways to protect me from myself by legally giving credence to the phenomenon known as “perpetual victimhood.” Don’t punish addict; punish the dealer! Don’t punish the sex offender; punish the 14-year old girl who put her sexy pictures on MySpace! Don’t punish the fatass; punish McDonald’s for deep-frying in trans-fatty acids! Too bad pointing the finger isn’t an Olympic sport. We would fucking own it.