In news that really isn’t news, drugs were a major factor in Whitney Houston’s untimely death. You can return to your regularly scheduled program. TMZ reports,

An official for the L.A. County Coroner’s Office just stated … Whitney Houston used cocaine immediately prior to her death.

Coroner Chief Craig Harvey just held a news conference — claiming the toxicology results suggested Whitney was a “chronic” cocaine user.

Harvey described the cocaine level in Whitney’s system as “acute” — indicating Whitney used the drug not long before she accidentally drowned in a bathtub at the Beverly Hilton hotel last month. “Accidental drowning” is listed as Whitney’s official cause of death.

According to Harvey, the autopsy revealed a 60% narrowing of Whitney’s arteries — a direct result of the chronic cocaine use. Harvey claims the artery constriction led to a cardiac event before her death.

As for the other drugs in her system — marijuana, Benadryl, Flexeril, and Xanax — which Harvey claims were all at or below therapeutic levels … and did not significantly contribute to her death.

It would all be pretty cut and dried, except for the fact that someone was able to rid her room of all incriminating evidence before the cops showed up:

Sources connected to Whitney Houston who were with Whitney the day she died tell TMZ … an individual removed all traces of cocaine from the room before authorities arrived.

The Coroner’s Office says Whitney used cocaine “immediately prior to her collapse.” Investigators who arrived on scene found no traces of cocaine or any other illegal substance.

One source who is extremely close to the situation tells us … the individual who removed the cocaine was also the person who supplied it to Whitney.

That has to be a lot of coke to narrow your arteries by 60%. Hell, she must have had so much of that shit in her system she farted white powder. It would be like that America’s Funniest Home Videos clip where the baby farts and sends a baby powder-loaded fart into the air, except of course it’s a lot cuter and there isn’t a cardiac arrest and inhalation of bath water involved. That doesn’t go very well with the family demographic.

Elizabeth Banks, Malin Akerman and Milla Jovovich at the Restoration Hardware Spring launch in LA:

A coroner’s report released in London today lists Amy Winehouse’s official cause of death as “an unintended consequence of drinking too much alcohol.” The NY Daily News says:

Coroner Suzanne Greenaway gave a verdict of “death by misadventure,” saying the singer had voluntarily consumed alcohol and risked the consequences.

A pathologist told the singer’s inquest Wednesday that Winehouse had consumed a “very large quantity of alcohol” and was more than five times over the legal drunk-driving limit when she died.

Five times the legal limit. Jesus. I bet her liver was the size of a fucking Christmas ham. She practically embalmed herself.

Amy Winehouse’s dad had been telling the papers for weeks now that Amy wasn’t on the bad shit when she died, and newly released toxicology reports confirm that there were no illegal drugs in her system at the time of her death. Booze, yes; crack cocaine, no. A rep for the family released the following statement (via TMZ):

“Toxicology results returned to the Winehouse family have confirmed that there were no illegal substances in Amy’s system at the time of her death.

Alcohol was present but it cannot be determined as yet if it played a role in her death.

The family would like to thank the police and coroner for their continuing thorough investigations. They await the outcome of the inquest in October.”

Before you mouth WTF?! and raise your eyebrows in disbelief, note that they said no illegal drugs were found in her system. Operative word here being “illegal.” Vicodin, xanax, ketamine and oxycodone and are all perfectly fucking legal. So is model airplane glue, VCR head cleaner, and gasoline. I bet the toxicology reports show you could use her liver to make your own Molotov cocktail.

Michael Jackson’s death was officially ruled a homicide by the Los Angeles County coroner yesterday, which suggests that Conrad Murray, the doctor who administered the anesthetic Propofol to Jackson the morning of his death, will probably go to jail on manslaughter charges. Meaning he’ll only be able to practice medicine in Mexico, India, Thailand, and South and Central America, Bangladesh, Turkmenistan, Laos and most of Papua New Guinea after he gets out. According to Us Weekly

Detectives have been investigating whether Murray’s decision to administer Jackson propofol outside a hospital and as a sleep aid would be classified as negligence for an involuntary manslaughter charge.

Murray told LAPD detectives he was nervous Jackson was becoming addicted to propofol, so he was trying to wean him off. He’d been lowering the dosages and mixing it with two other sedatives, lorazepam and midazolam.

On June 25 — the morning Jackson died — Murray gave Jackson valium at 1:30 a.m. When that was unsuccessful, he injected lorazepam intravenously at 2 a.m. At 3 a.m., he gave the still-awake singer midazolam. He continued to try different drugs over the course of the morning.

At 10:40 a.m., Murray gave Jackson 25 milligrams of propofol — down from his usual dosage of 50 milligrams — after Jackson repeatedly demanded the drug.

Murray told detectives he then left Jackson alone to make personal phone calls. When he returned, Jackson wasn’t breathing. He was declared dead at UCLA Medical Center later that day.

I, for one, am happy to live in a time where the government keeps finding new ways to protect me from myself by legally giving credence to the phenomenon known as “perpetual victimhood.” Don’t punish addict; punish the dealer! Don’t punish the sex offender; punish the 14-year old girl who put her sexy pictures on MySpace! Don’t punish the fatass; punish McDonald’s for deep-frying in trans-fatty acids! Too bad pointing the finger isn’t an Olympic sport. We would fucking own it.