Good news for all my Jack Bauer fans out there — Kiefer Sutherland won’t be going to jail for assaulting Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough at the Met’s Costume Institute Gala Tuesday night, even though he’s currently on probation stemming from his 2007 DUI arrest. According to the NY Daily News

Sutherland will be charged with third-degree assault for the attack on designer Jack McCollough [and] will be issued a desk appearance ticket for the misdemeanor - meaning he won’t be jailed and will be free to travel before he’s arraigned.

Jail, no jail — whatever. I don’t think any of that really matters. What’s important here is that I would let Jack Bauer pound my ass like a Chinaman laying railroad ties. The end.

More hot Jack Bauer goodness:

The Annual Costume Institute Gala celebrating ‘The Model As Muse: Embodying Fashion’ was last night, and as there are always are in large gatherings of pretentious asswipes who believe themselves to be on the very cusp avant-garde fashion, plenty of epic FAILS (see above).

Taking the stink cake was Madonna, with her recycled like Like a Virgin look made especially crappy with the addition of thigh-high patent leather boots apparently shanghaied from the set of Pretty Woman:

Next on the shit list, Leighton Meester, who is reportedly on a show on the CW and not a vintage member of the cast of the highly-acclaimed but short-lived “Designing Women on Acid” series (although I have yet to actually confirm this):

And last, but very not least, is the incorrigible Rihanna, who looks like a maître d’ cyborg killer/androgynous Barbie bridesman.