A “pal” of the couple’s (i.e. Kris Jenner) went blabbing to the tabloids that Kanye West is “genuinely head over heels” for reality harlot Kim Kardashian. I’m assuming that’s referencing some sorta Armenian sex position. Us Magazine says:

“It’s not a PR stunt,” the source insists of the rapper and reality star. “They’re perfect for each other. He thinks she’s his Beyonce!”

Indeed, after years of a flirty friendship — West pursued Kardashian “for a long time,” another source says — the stars were finally aligned for the twosome (who share a fondness for luxury and the spotlight) to finally get romantic.

Is there a word for the searing rage and white-hot vitriol that the mere sight of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West incites? Ah, yes — tequila. BRB.

At LAX with her sisters:

You didn’t really think the greatest actor of our generation would stay single for long, did you? Hello! You saw Blade: Trinity, right? Star Magazine says:

Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock ushered in 2011 together… [and] the pair are dating!

Ryan, 34, and Sandra, 46, were spotted dining at her Austin, Tex., restaurant Bess Bistro on New Year’s Eve. They reportedly danced the night away and left together at 2 am.

Ryan has been leaning on Sandra since his marriage to Scarlett Johansson started falling apart on Dec. 23. Sandra’s marriage to Jesse James crumbled in early 2010 after she adopted baby Louis.

I don’t know about you or Sandra, but Ryan Reynolds had me back at “cock-juggling thundercunt.” I try to use that expression as often as possible in most of my everyday conversations. It’s a real eyebrow-raiser.

Sandra Bullock with her adopted baby Louis “L’il Kradle Kap” Bullock last month:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Rumors are swirling that country music singer Taylor Swift and actor Jake Gyllenhaal might be an item after the two were seen canoodling in New York City over the weekend. And for the record, I hate typing the word “canoodling” just as much as you hate reading it. Maybe even more. People Magazine says:

First, the two attended the broadcast of Saturday Night Live in Manhattan, which was hosted by Swift’s good friend, Emma Stone.

“They showed up together,” a source [said]. “They walked around together backstage, but they were careful not to be seen too close. Everyone was shocked that she brought him.”

On Sunday, Swift, 20 and Gyllenhaal, 29, brunched with another couple at Al Di La in Brooklyn and, says an onlooker, looked “friendly.” They were also spotted together strolling around Brooklyn’s Park Slope neighborhood.

Taylor’s last boyfriend was one of those Jonas queers, so impressing her shouldn’t take much. All Jake needs are pubes and the ability to catch a football without looking like he’s doing interpretive dance while choking on a mouthful of cock.

Taylor performing in Central Park yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

L.A. Ink’s Kat von D and fellow “tattoo enthusiast” Jesse James were spotted on a date in Hollywood over the weekend. I hope the smell of wig glue and Zovirax didn’t make anybody feel light-headed. People magazine says:

The motorcycle mogul, whose divorce from Sandra Bullock was finalized in June, was spotted having dinner with Kat Von D in Las Vegas Saturday night.

Settling into a table at Palms Casino Resort’s N9NE, the duo got cozy by sitting right next to each other… [and] holding hands.

They continued holding hands as they left dinner and headed to a black Mercedes that James was driving.

The guy was married to a porn star and Kat von D spent three years underneath Nikki Six from Motley Crue, but things must be getting serious because they were holding hands in public. My stars! Next thing you know, he’ll be taking her out for a buggy ride without a chaperon and penciling his name down on her dance card for the waltz AND the two-step. I just don’t know if the American public is equipped to deal with that kind of scandal.

Because subtlety and understatement are for pussies:

Joe Jonas continues to make headway with his “I’m Joe Jonas, and I’m Heterosexual” campaign, this time by being conspicuously photographed with Twilight actress Ashley Greene. The Daily Mail says:

The couple were spotted leaving Greene’s LA apartment yesterday morning, doing a spot of shopping at a nearby mall and grabbing a cup of coffee together.

Greene, 23, and Jonas, 20, were first linked last month after they dined together at The Ivy in London and also attended a Kings Of Leon gig together.

Despite their string of dates in recent weeks, friends of the stars claim they are ‘just friends.’

Well, one thing’s for sure — that whole “Joe Jonas purity ring thing” was absolute genius on the part of his PR people. It provides a legitimate excuse for accessorizing and for not touching her vagina, all in one fell swoop. Leave it to those fuckers at Disney to find a legal loophole around a good fag joke.

Feel free to induce vomiting, because Jude Law was in full kissy-kissy goo-goo mode with girlfriend Sienna Miller at the beach in Italy this week. Sienna must not be a very good swimmer, because Jude appears to be trying to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on her every time she turns around. He looks like a goddamn chimpanzee. Even Michael ‘Squints’ Palledorous had better moves than this guy.

In Ponzo yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Charlize Theron and Keanu Reeves have co-starred in two movies together and always claimed to be “just friends,” but the cameras don’t lie, my friends. That’s what the officer kept telling me while I was in the holding cell, anyway. The Daily Mail says

The pair left a restaurant together on Monday night in Beverly Hills, and were spotted sharing an intimate series of kisses and hugs.

Theron, who split from her boyfriend of nine years Stuart Townsend earlier this year, also appeared to have her hands wrapped around Reeves and under his jacket.

But when they realised they had been caught in the act, they came over all camera shy and broke off contact.

That’s because papparazi are like T-Rexes. Their vision is entirely based on movement. If you stop what you’re doing and stand perfectly motionless, they’ll eventually lose interest and leave you alone. Ice cream trucks do the same thing with Britney Spears all the time.

The incriminating video:

Pics of her hanging her head in shame (1-3) and at the AFI screening of “The Road” last year (the rest):

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Hello my little moppets, it’s Sarah.  I hope you’re sitting down, because I’m about to blow your mind.  Jake Gyllenhaal referred to Reese Witherspoon as his “girlfriend”.  Oh my God, I like SO TOTALLY know, right?  I had to sit down for a minute to catch my breath from all the excitement.

From People:

Amid reports of “are they or aren’t they still a couple,” Gyllenhaal, 28, used the buzz word of the week – girlfriend – shortly after arriving at a Beverly Hills Hotel suite Thursday for a press conference for his new film Brothers.

“I’ve learned so much from the kids in my life, and somehow they just become the center of your life and the way you look at things,” he told Grazia Australia, referring to his 3-year-old niece Ramona (daughter of Maggie Gyllenhaal) and possibly Witherspoon’s children, Ava, 10, and Deacon, 6. “Obviously I exist in my girlfriend’s world and my sister’s world in a different way, but it’s opened my heart and I feel much more grown up and want to be grown up as a result of it.

“As I get more famous, there is less that is just mine so I hope you understand I want to protect that as much as I can,” he says. “I understand the news cycle, I really do, but as we all know news cycles come and go and I don’t have to comment on them.”

Wait, what?  I’m sorry, I fell asleep at some point.  Oh hey look, Spongebob’s on!  I gotta go.