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In newly released testimony from her 2009 legal petition for a restraining order against mother Courtney Love, Frances Bean Cobain accused mommy dearest of killing the family dog and cat and dragging her along on drunken domestic altercations with various ex-boyfriends. I bet that makes Mother’s Day kinda awkward — don’t know that Hallmark makes a card for “The Mother Who Must Remian 500 Feet Away All Times.” The Daily Mail says:

Backed by evidence from her male nanny and others the judge granted [Frances'] request, as well as ordering the Hole singer stay away from her daughter’s pet dog Uncle Fester.

Frances said her mother’s chaotic behavior was the reason for the death of two family pets — her cat died after getting entangled in piles of boxes of paperwork, trash and other possessions, while a dog died allegedly after swallowing a pile of Love’s pills.

[Frances also claimed that] her mother dragged her to James Barber’s house when she was 17, and that she sat in a taxi while her mother had a volcanic confrontation with her then boyfriend, [saying], “She’s outside the house, in her bare feet, [screaming] at him… she threw rocks at the house, and threatened to burn his house down… his children were inside the house, but that did not stop my mother.”

And then for good measure, Frances adds:

“[My mother] has taken drugs for as long as I can remember. She basically exists now on Xanax, Adderall, Sonata and Abilify, sugar and cigarettes.

She rarely eats… She often falls asleep in her bed while she is smoking, and I am constantly worried that she will start a fire (which she has done at least three times) that will threaten our lives.”

And then there’s this little gem, from Courtney herself:

[Love] said: “The strange thing is, while the crack screwed me up in a lot of ways, it improved me in certain others.

I’ve never been good with numbers, but when I was on crack I could do math really, really well. I became a fucking whiz at calculus.”

Now it’s time for some Kate Upton in a bikini again, because I know the human brain can only take so much Courtney Love before it spontaneously shuts down. Reports indicate that “24 Hours of Courtney Love” was responsible for 95% of all temporary amnesia cases in the year 2002 alone. I’m pretty sure the other five percent have something to do with soap opera villains.

Someone invited Courtney Love to amfAR’s Cinema Against AIDS Gala in Cannes last night, presumably to serve as a visual reminder as to why it is you don’t want AIDS in the first place. She couldn’t have made a more impactful statement if she were staggering around with a syringe in either arm and a transsexual prostitute meth addict impaled in her ass.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

These pictures of Courtney Love apparently off the blow (at least temporarily) are a great example of why you should avoid them in the first place. Would you rather look like this, or this? Would you rather look decent and nicely dressed or be caught with a gold ball between your legs? Yeah, I’d go with the gold ball too. What? Were you going to pick the other option?

At the Elle Style Awards with Emma Watson, Blake Lively and Thandie Newton:

You know, this is a total step up from those plain metal ballsacks that some guys with an overweening sense of machismo attach to the hitch of their trucks. If you’re going to do it, then go balls out. Ha! Ha! Zing!

Courtney Love, bastion of sobriety and clean living via Twitter (last one with nipslip):

Courtney Love is broke

Courtney Love’s life continues to sink ever further into her own self-made Hole of Suck. Look for her soon at bumming coins at your local gas station! Now Magazine explains,

Courtney Love’s crazy lifestyle is finally taking its toll. In a text to a friend, she said: ‘I’m f***ed now, dude. 
I have 120 bucks, my kid hasn’t had a decent meal and I’m getting evicted.’

The 45-year-old widow of Nirvana legend Kurt Cobain looked alarmingly haggard recently as she strolled near the New York Mercer Hotel, where she’s currently living.

Courtney has no means of paying her hotel bill after being denied access to the £750,000 trust fund set up for her daughter Frances, 17.

‘Courtney’s a complete shopaholic,’ says a source. ‘She’s been to counselling, but attended only one session. She’ll think nothing of blowing thousands like Michael Jackson did, but she hasn’t got his millions. She could end up on the street now.’

Last month, the ex-Hole singer revealed that she was living off the generosity of hotel staff, saying: ‘They’re the best staff in the world. When my bank account got frozen, we had $14.32 [£9] a week, so we lived off the kindness of strangers.’

It’s been revealed that Courtney owes £220,000 [$358,798] to American Express and is being sued by her security guards for missing payments totalling £38,000 [$61,974.20].

In April she employed ‘forensic accountants’ to track down and retrieve more than £19 million [$30 million] that she claims can’t be accounted for.

How exactly in holy hell do you misplace $30 million dollars? Like Oops, wonder what happened to my car keys, I’ve misplaced them. Except in this case, it’s like, Oops, I misplaced a fucking mountain of cash that probably weighs more than my drug-emaciated body. And therein lies the answer to the mystery. Congratulations, Courtney Love, you’ve had your hands on more money than the vast majority of us not-so-fortunate peasants will ever even get to look at, screwed up your life, probably ensured that your daughter will end up as fucked up as you, and blown your millions away on drugs and really bad clothes. I hope someone gives you a ribbon that says, “I Win at Sucking”.

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