In newly released testimony from her 2009 legal petition for a restraining order against mother Courtney Love, Frances Bean Cobain accused mommy dearest of killing the family dog and cat and dragging her along on drunken domestic altercations with various ex-boyfriends. I bet that makes Mother’s Day kinda awkward — don’t know that Hallmark makes a card for “The Mother Who Must Remian 500 Feet Away All Times.” The Daily Mail says:

Backed by evidence from her male nanny and others the judge granted [Frances'] request, as well as ordering the Hole singer stay away from her daughter’s pet dog Uncle Fester.

Frances said her mother’s chaotic behavior was the reason for the death of two family pets — her cat died after getting entangled in piles of boxes of paperwork, trash and other possessions, while a dog died allegedly after swallowing a pile of Love’s pills.

[Frances also claimed that] her mother dragged her to James Barber’s house when she was 17, and that she sat in a taxi while her mother had a volcanic confrontation with her then boyfriend, [saying], “She’s outside the house, in her bare feet, [screaming] at him… she threw rocks at the house, and threatened to burn his house down… his children were inside the house, but that did not stop my mother.”

And then for good measure, Frances adds:

“[My mother] has taken drugs for as long as I can remember. She basically exists now on Xanax, Adderall, Sonata and Abilify, sugar and cigarettes.

She rarely eats… She often falls asleep in her bed while she is smoking, and I am constantly worried that she will start a fire (which she has done at least three times) that will threaten our lives.”

And then there’s this little gem, from Courtney herself:

[Love] said: “The strange thing is, while the crack screwed me up in a lot of ways, it improved me in certain others.

I’ve never been good with numbers, but when I was on crack I could do math really, really well. I became a fucking whiz at calculus.”

Now it’s time for some Kate Upton in a bikini again, because I know the human brain can only take so much Courtney Love before it spontaneously shuts down. Reports indicate that “24 Hours of Courtney Love” was responsible for 95% of all temporary amnesia cases in the year 2002 alone. I’m pretty sure the other five percent have something to do with soap opera villains.

Someone invited Courtney Love to amfAR’s Cinema Against AIDS Gala in Cannes last night, presumably to serve as a visual reminder as to why it is you don’t want AIDS in the first place. She couldn’t have made a more impactful statement if she were staggering around with a syringe in either arm and a transsexual prostitute meth addict impaled in her ass.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

These pictures of Courtney Love apparently off the blow (at least temporarily) are a great example of why you should avoid them in the first place. Would you rather look like this, or this? Would you rather look decent and nicely dressed or be caught with a gold ball between your legs? Yeah, I’d go with the gold ball too. What? Were you going to pick the other option?

At the Elle Style Awards with Emma Watson, Blake Lively and Thandie Newton:

You know, this is a total step up from those plain metal ballsacks that some guys with an overweening sense of machismo attach to the hitch of their trucks. If you’re going to do it, then go balls out. Ha! Ha! Zing!

Courtney Love, bastion of sobriety and clean living via Twitter (last one with nipslip):

People always act like it’s some great mystery as to why Kurt Cobain killed himself. I think Exhibit A up there ought to cover just about everything you need to know.

Courtney Love put these disturbing old pictures of her in various states of undress up on her Facebook yesterday. I think we can all agree that Amanda Lepore makes the more convincing female, and she was born with a penis. Courtney looks like someone you might see loitering outside a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, offering to blow you for five bucks and a couple of smokes. Pass.

These are censored for your safety and the safety of the editor:

Courtney Love’s life continues to sink ever further into her own self-made Hole of Suck. Look for her soon at bumming coins at your local gas station! Now Magazine explains,

Courtney Love’s crazy lifestyle is finally taking its toll. In a text to a friend, she said: ‘I’m f***ed now, dude. 
I have 120 bucks, my kid hasn’t had a decent meal and I’m getting evicted.’

The 45-year-old widow of Nirvana legend Kurt Cobain looked alarmingly haggard recently as she strolled near the New York Mercer Hotel, where she’s currently living.

Courtney has no means of paying her hotel bill after being denied access to the £750,000 trust fund set up for her daughter Frances, 17.

‘Courtney’s a complete shopaholic,’ says a source. ‘She’s been to counselling, but attended only one session. She’ll think nothing of blowing thousands like Michael Jackson did, but she hasn’t got his millions. She could end up on the street now.’

Last month, the ex-Hole singer revealed that she was living off the generosity of hotel staff, saying: ‘They’re the best staff in the world. When my bank account got frozen, we had $14.32 [£9] a week, so we lived off the kindness of strangers.’

It’s been revealed that Courtney owes £220,000 [$358,798] to American Express and is being sued by her security guards for missing payments totalling £38,000 [$61,974.20].

In April she employed ‘forensic accountants’ to track down and retrieve more than £19 million [$30 million] that she claims can’t be accounted for.

How exactly in holy hell do you misplace $30 million dollars? Like Oops, wonder what happened to my car keys, I’ve misplaced them. Except in this case, it’s like, Oops, I misplaced a fucking mountain of cash that probably weighs more than my drug-emaciated body. And therein lies the answer to the mystery. Congratulations, Courtney Love, you’ve had your hands on more money than the vast majority of us not-so-fortunate peasants will ever even get to look at, screwed up your life, probably ensured that your daughter will end up as fucked up as you, and blown your millions away on drugs and really bad clothes. I hope someone gives you a ribbon that says, “I Win at Sucking”.

Nice crown, Courtney.  Where’s your sceptre?  I mean really, what’s a coronation without a sceptre?  I don’t think a royal sceptre is supposed to look like a scythe, but then again I’m not too sure about the ramifications of crowning Death to begin with, so let’s just not quibble over details.

Courtney Love stumbling her way out of Groucho Club at 4am:

Look! Madonna from Like a Prayer and Mary-Kate Olsen had a baby, and nobody tried to put a stake through its heart or make it have sex with Keanu Reeves while Al Pacino watched. Vanity, definitely everybody’s favorite sin!

Courtney Love with the raisin smuggler in Malibu:

Want to know the secret behind Courtney Love’s killer bikini body? Hint: it’s not just the tapeworm and cocaine! The Daily Mail says

The former Hole singer, 44, once wrote on her blog that she was inspired to lose weight by Oprah Winfrey who got thin by drinking slimming drinks. But Courtney Love’s dramatic weight loss over the last two years is actually down to a gastric band operation she had two years ago.

A source told the the News of the World: ‘Courtney keeps laughing to her friends and saying, ‘Everyone thinks I’ve had hypnosis… All I did was check myself in and have a fat band fitted’.

Well, I figured as much. You don’t get that hot without the aid of a doctor’s steady hand. Or at least the steady hand of an evil scientist with a sack of exhumed corpses and a carpet needle. Diet and exercise can go fuck themselves!

Cameras caught a peek inside Courtney Love’s purse Wednesday night in London, and naturally, it was chock full of prescription drugs and pills. Four prescriptions are visible (including one for Adderall), but God only knows how many others were lurking underneath. On the plus side, with that many chemicals coursing through her bloodstream, Courtney is probably now completely immune to all vector-borne diseases. Not to mention the money she’s going to save her family on embalming costs later on. Formaldehyde’s got nothin’ on Courtney Love’s liver.

The Daily Mail has pictures of today’s mystery celeb and her horrible withered tits at the British Film Institute benefit in Notting Hill yesterday. At least, I think they’re tits. They might be albino eggplants or maybe a couple of dead squid. The Daily Mail didn’t say. Which begs the question, “Why in God’s good name would you stuff your dress with Architeuthidae Architeuthises and pigment-less vegetables?” The obvious answer, of course, is that you’re just not drinking enough. I find that’s usually the answer to most of life’s great mysteries.

The mollusk-master revealed after the jump

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