Courtney Love’s life continues to sink ever further into her own self-made Hole of Suck. Look for her soon at bumming coins at your local gas station! Now Magazine explains,

Courtney Love’s crazy lifestyle is finally taking its toll. In a text to a friend, she said: ‘I’m f***ed now, dude. 
I have 120 bucks, my kid hasn’t had a decent meal and I’m getting evicted.’

The 45-year-old widow of Nirvana legend Kurt Cobain looked alarmingly haggard recently as she strolled near the New York Mercer Hotel, where she’s currently living.

Courtney has no means of paying her hotel bill after being denied access to the £750,000 trust fund set up for her daughter Frances, 17.

‘Courtney’s a complete shopaholic,’ says a source. ‘She’s been to counselling, but attended only one session. She’ll think nothing of blowing thousands like Michael Jackson did, but she hasn’t got his millions. She could end up on the street now.’

Last month, the ex-Hole singer revealed that she was living off the generosity of hotel staff, saying: ‘They’re the best staff in the world. When my bank account got frozen, we had $14.32 [£9] a week, so we lived off the kindness of strangers.’

It’s been revealed that Courtney owes £220,000 [$358,798] to American Express and is being sued by her security guards for missing payments totalling £38,000 [$61,974.20].

In April she employed ‘forensic accountants’ to track down and retrieve more than £19 million [$30 million] that she claims can’t be accounted for.

How exactly in holy hell do you misplace $30 million dollars? Like Oops, wonder what happened to my car keys, I’ve misplaced them. Except in this case, it’s like, Oops, I misplaced a fucking mountain of cash that probably weighs more than my drug-emaciated body. And therein lies the answer to the mystery. Congratulations, Courtney Love, you’ve had your hands on more money than the vast majority of us not-so-fortunate peasants will ever even get to look at, screwed up your life, probably ensured that your daughter will end up as fucked up as you, and blown your millions away on drugs and really bad clothes. I hope someone gives you a ribbon that says, “I Win at Sucking”.

Nice crown, Courtney.  Where’s your sceptre?  I mean really, what’s a coronation without a sceptre?  I don’t think a royal sceptre is supposed to look like a scythe, but then again I’m not too sure about the ramifications of crowning Death to begin with, so let’s just not quibble over details.

Courtney Love stumbling her way out of Groucho Club at 4am:

Look! Madonna from Like a Prayer and Mary-Kate Olsen had a baby, and nobody tried to put a stake through its heart or make it have sex with Keanu Reeves while Al Pacino watched. Vanity, definitely everybody’s favorite sin!

Courtney Love with the raisin smuggler in Malibu:

Want to know the secret behind Courtney Love’s killer bikini body? Hint: it’s not just the tapeworm and cocaine! The Daily Mail says

The former Hole singer, 44, once wrote on her blog that she was inspired to lose weight by Oprah Winfrey who got thin by drinking slimming drinks. But Courtney Love’s dramatic weight loss over the last two years is actually down to a gastric band operation she had two years ago.

A source told the the News of the World: ‘Courtney keeps laughing to her friends and saying, ‘Everyone thinks I’ve had hypnosis… All I did was check myself in and have a fat band fitted’.

Well, I figured as much. You don’t get that hot without the aid of a doctor’s steady hand. Or at least the steady hand of an evil scientist with a sack of exhumed corpses and a carpet needle. Diet and exercise can go fuck themselves!

Cameras caught a peek inside Courtney Love’s purse Wednesday night in London, and naturally, it was chock full of prescription drugs and pills. Four prescriptions are visible (including one for Adderall), but God only knows how many others were lurking underneath. On the plus side, with that many chemicals coursing through her bloodstream, Courtney is probably now completely immune to all vector-borne diseases. Not to mention the money she’s going to save her family on embalming costs later on. Formaldehyde’s got nothin’ on Courtney Love’s liver.

The Daily Mail has pictures of today’s mystery celeb and her horrible withered tits at the British Film Institute benefit in Notting Hill yesterday. At least, I think they’re tits. They might be albino eggplants or maybe a couple of dead squid. The Daily Mail didn’t say. Which begs the question, “Why in God’s good name would you stuff your dress with Architeuthidae Architeuthises and pigment-less vegetables?” The obvious answer, of course, is that you’re just not drinking enough. I find that’s usually the answer to most of life’s great mysteries.

The mollusk-master revealed after the jump

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Like flies to a turd, fellow musicians-turned-drug addicts Courtney Love and Pete Doherty have finally found one another. According to Real Music

Courtney Love and Pete Doherty have sparked romance rumours after the pair shared a kiss when Love visited him in rehab. The former Hole singer, a former drug addict, went to see the Babyshambles star at the Wiltshire clinic where he is battling to get clean. Pete was allowed to leave the grounds with Courtney and the pair shared a kiss after a budget meal at a British pub chain. A source said: “Pete respects Courtney for the struggle she’s faced, one that, like his, seemed insurmountable. He’s turning a corner now. They had a brilliant talk. It was touching to see them share a tender kiss after the visit. They share a common bond as both are musicians with a self-destructive streak.”

It seems like a disgusting disease-riddled cesspool match made in heaven, except for Pete’s former dysfunctional girlfriend getting in the way of things. The only thing to do? Try to rip the bitch’s clothes off in public, ugly-step-sister style. The Daily Mail reports

“Just seconds after her grand entrance, Courtney trod on [the train of Kate's dress] with both heels causing a very slight rip. Throughout the course of the evening the hole, which started just above the small of her back, began to spread. She took it in surprisingly good humour though, shrugging it off with a giggle and helping herself to another glass of wine. At midnight she went outside to the courtyard and… started whooping along with everybody else… and the tear gradually began to spread until eventually it reached her armpit. To Kate’s credit, she didn’t let the rip spoil her fun.”

I’d make some sexy joke about a supermodel half-naked catfight, but watching those two go at it would be like watching two scabby meth whores fighting over a five dollar bill laying on the ground. I guess that’d be kinda hot if you’re into big open mouth sores and the sweet perfume of Marlboro Reds and vodka, but if you’re more into hot chicks smacking each other and exposing one another’s breasts and making out like demons, then you’ll just have to come to my sister’s wedding next month. I’ve had my eye on my second cousin Amanda for a while now and I hate to let a chocolate fountain go to waste.

More of Kate’s ripped dress and a couple of upskirts after the jump

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Living with herpes can be a real hassle. When you have a herpes outbreak, it can feel like it takes days out of your life. But with Valtrex, you can learn how to still enjoy an active lifestyle with herpes. You’ll also find that Valtrex, the only once-daily medicine that can help reduce the number of your herpes outbreaks, will allow you to enjoy life and take charge again. Unless you’re Courtney Love, that is. Then we recommend Vancomycin and a three-city-block quarantine. A tub of Holy Water and some Boil-Ease couldn’t hurt either.

More of Chappy at the Marc Jacobs show in New York after the jump

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Ever the picture of mental health, Courtney Love countered recent allegations of an eating disorder in the most responsible, adult way possible — with an incoherent myspace blog entry. People reports:

In her usual stream-of-consciousness style – which includes relaxed rules for grammar and spelling – the 43-year-old rocker writes this week on her MySpace page (accessible only to her MySpace friends): “ive put on 10 pounds (thank you Sprinkles cupcakes wic h i must admit are overrated).”

You know she’s right. Cupcakes are overrated! Come to think of it, that whole “eating” thing is kind of overrated in general. Heroin on the other hand — now that’s where it’s at. Love goes on to say:

I must point out the hypocrisy of this crazy hysteria about my weight…Noones going to mistake me for Eva Longoria, andmy god I am truly hAppy to be who an what i am with my life an dmy expirience i can do so many things help so many people and make such a beautiful clothing line too! and maybe finish this dammed sript one day

No one’s going to mistake you for Eva? You sure about that, Courtney? Because when I looked at these photos I know the first thing that popped into my head was “Where’s Tony?” But then I remembered that Eva Longoria is Hispanic and not an old white haggard crackwhore with Miss Piggy makeup. It was close there, for a second though.

More photos of Courtney shopping last week, after the jump. While I do admit she looks better than last time — it’s kind of like saying Carlton was hotter than Urkel if you were forced to choose.

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Courtney Love is giving Britney Spears a run for her money in the ill-conceived and deranged “Comeback Tour” department, appearing first in London earlier this week and then last night in NYC. US Weekly reports:

Looking emaciated and haggard, the Hole singer screeched through an hour-and-a-half long set of old and new material at Hiro in NYC. The 43-year-old singer even poked fun at her skinny frame. “I requested Ensure shakes for my anorexia,” she said. “You’re going to have to wait for my eating disorder. It’s getting kinda spooky but the free clothes are great.”

She played an acoustic set for the encore wearing a revealing Marc Jacobs bustier ensemble, though she admitted she needed to “work on her butt.”

She needs to work at her butt?! Fucking gross. Before I could even stop myself, images assaulted my brain of a lone, forgotten pear in the vegetable crisper. When you finally remember about it and go to check, there it is — just sitting there all leathery and shriveled, but when you go to pick it up, of course the bottom is all rotten and oozing some nasty shit. Now, if you’ll be so kind as to pardon me whilst I regurgitate in yonder trash can.

For all you gluttons for punishment out there, more photos from her Monday concert at Bush Hall in London, after the jump.

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You probably assumed, like me, that Courtney Love’s forty-pound weight loss came courtesy of crystal meth, cocaine, and a steady diet of random nut sack. Not so. Despite her claims of counting calories and exercising her way to thin, a friend leaked that Courtney pulled a Star Jones and got gastric bypass on the sly. According to Page Six:

Love insists her fabulous new figure is due to diet and exercise, but a friend said, “She’s telling people she got the gastric band surgery. She even said she had to sleep with a towel by her because the surgery makes her [vomit] all the time and is worried she won’t be able to make out with anyone because of her breath.”

I’d be more worried about my “freak of nature leathery crow-ness” when it came to repulsing men than a little thing like “persistent vomit breath.” I’m pretty sure the average guy out there would rather make out with the parrot in that picture or stick their dick in a light socket than help themselves to a slice of the Courtney Love’s beaver. Her vagina probably has the resiliency and texture of a pile of refried beans. And God knows you don’t want to mix the smell of refried beans and puke. My car was never the same after the infamous “Chicken Chimichanga and Sombrero Shots” ended horribly in my back seat.

UPDATE: Enjoy Courtney’s scathingly well-written response to the rumors of surgery via her website after the jump.

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Newly “svelte” Courtney Love hit the beach last week in yet another unfortunately tiny bathing suit. I didn’t think anyone could steal the skin-to-spare crown from Star Jones, but as you can see, Courtney’s definitely in the running. Right behind the Australian Frilled Lizard and the Shar Pei. So much skin, so little surface area to cover!

More of Courtney and her never-ending epidermis after the jump.

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