The Nintendo DS Mean Girls game comes out later this month, but one thing you won’t see on the cover is Lindsay Lohan, even though she was technically the star of the movie. When asked for an explanation, Nintendo reportedly held up this picture of Lindsay and said, “She’ll either be dead or sucking some guy’s dick in a sex tape with in the next three months, and then we’d have to go and pull all the games and promotional pieces and rework the cover art. This just saves time.” Lean Six Sigma must have a statistical method or Chi-square test for eliminating the the “coked-out whore” variable. Your job might not be as safe as you think.

Reasons 2-11 that Nintendo didn’t want her on the cover of the game:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

I stopped watching this video of Brooke Hogan after she gave her half-eaten apple a voice and made it pretend to sign her tit, but if you can make it past the four minute mark, you can learn all you ever needed to know about the finer points of eating an apple. Namely:

1. You need a tube of Aquaphor off your boyfriend’s table (apparently your significant other should have psoriasis or diaper rash)

2. Put the Aquaphor on your apple and smear some on your lips

3. Drink some cough medicine

Immediately following step three, you should make sure to double over with inane laughter and continue blathering like a goddamn loon, making sure that at no point are you even remotely funny in the slightest. Or as I like to call it, “blogging.” Trust me, it’s a lot harder than I make it look.

Stills from her new piece of crap video “Falling” from her new album “You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me No WAY Is That the Real Fucking Cover, Right?“: