When I say “topless model jumping up and down on the beach,” a haughty women’s fashion magazine wouldn’t be the first periodical to come to mind. Yet there Bar Refeali is in all her naked bouncy toplessness in the April edition of Elle Espana. Don’t get me wrong — I’m all for buoyant naked supermodels and shameless pandering — but Elle magazine’s target demographic is women aged 18 – 49. That makes about as much sense as a bunch of pics of a man in a banana hammock with a perfectly waxed chest in “Field & Stream.”

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“The Hunger Games” dominated the box office for the fourth weekend in a row, so you can expect an onslaught of Jennifer Lawrence magazine covers in the upcoming months. You won’t be able to turn around without getting slapped in the face by Jennifer Lawrence on a magazine. You’ll be eating Katniss Krunchy-O’s and wearing Team Peeta t-shirts and brushing your teeth with Hunger Games brand toothpaste, because there is no such thing as market saturation when it comes to pictures of provocatively dressed young girls or passable Young Adult Reader sci-fi.

Jalouse magazine somehow got their hands on a limited edition Megan Fox with realistic kung fu grip and swivel arm action, but I’m still holding out for one with a double-hinged jaw and 180 degree leg rotation. So long as it’s still in its original packaging.

Although there were reports that fellow “Kim Kardashian Superstar” co-star Ray J was “sitting on a ton of sexually explicit photos and videos starring he and the late Whitney Houston” that he planned to use to extort money out of her family, that doesn’t actually seem to be the case. Thank God. TMZ says:

Ray J is adamant … he is NOT secretly harboring a stash of sexually explicit photos and video, depicting him and Whitney Houston in the throes of passion — because no such stash exists.

But Ray J’s rep [said]: “The despicable tabloid report released today claiming the existence of a sex tape between Ray J and Whitney Houston is not true … There is no sex tape.”

Sources extremely close to Ray J tell us the singer insists he NEVER took sexually explicit pics of Whitney … or recorded ANY of their intimate encounters.

So you can rest easy — there’s no Whitney Houston sex tape. Which reminds me… you know who else doesn’t have a sex tape? Victoria’s Secret supermodel Isabel Goulart! Crazy, right? And I just happen to have ten pics of her in Harper’s Bazaar Espana right here! Remember, boys and girls, relevancy is just a matter of perspective!

Esquire’s back to their usual secret gay agenda trickery by putting Sofia Vergara in a corset on the cover of next month’s issue and stamping the word “sex” in all caps directly over her hoo-ha, figuring it’s so over-the-top and in-your-face that your average heterosexual male will hardly even notice the tiny little words printed there in the bottom corner: “14% of married men say they have had sex with a guy.” They’re banking on you not noticing until you’ve already invested in a pair of driving moccasins and started sharting Astroglide. Trust.

Newly-engaged Jessica Biel graces the cover of W Magazine’s “American Beauty” issue, probably because she has some terrible new movie to promote that nobody will ever go see because “7th Heaven” was the zenith of her career and everybody knows it but her. Once you’ve stepped into post-”Happy Gilmore” Adam Sandler territory, I’m afraid there’s no turning back. It’s already too late for you.

Victoria’s Secret model Karolina Kurkova is so incredibly beautiful that you could almost forget she doesn’t have a belly button. Almost. There are two logical conclusions to draw regarding her mysterious lack of navel: 1) that her beauty was self-sustaining in utero, negating a need for a placenta and umbilical cord-assisted gestation; or 2) she was grown in a lab by an evil scientist who wants to take over the world by creating an army of supermodel assassins just like her. Yeah, my money’s on the second one, too.

Despite all that Sarah Jessica Parker and Lindsay Lohan have done to dispel it as myth, Sofia Vergara is living proof that you can be over forty and still be smokin’ hot. Looks like the jig is up, ladies!

Demi did it, Britney did it, and Christina did it — now it’s Jessica Simpson’s turn to show off her naked pregnant body on the cover of next month’s Elle magazine, in which she reveals she and fiance Eric Johnson are having a little girl. Jessica’s father Joe Simpson was later quoted as saying, “I just hope she gets her momma’s double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!”

That marine that took Mila Kunis to the Marine Corps ball back in November will probably spend the better part of 2012 in Iraq or Afghanistan braving zealots with homemade explosives in 120-degree heat and hoping not to have an appendage blown off in a roadside attack, but I’d still trade places with him in a second. He got to take Mila Kunis to the grown-up prom. If you live your life according the laws of WB teen dramas — and who doesn’t, really — showing up with the Prom Queen makes you the default Prom King, and being Prom King is the only thing that matters.

If you smear enough Vaseline on the lens and photoshop fifteen pounds off her, Christina Hendricks looks alright. It’s what we in the industry refer to as “the Jose Cuervo effect.”

Katy Perry is depicted as an overly-made-up showgirl in next month’s Interview magazine, but how you tell the difference between overly-made-up showgirl Katy and Katy every other day of the week is beyond me. I’m just hoping this is Interview’s way of secretly burning her with irony.