I know when I think “withered-up prune puss,” one of the first names that comes to mind is Kris Jenner, so it makes sense that she’d be chosen as the spokemodel for the a new female sexual enhancement product called Zestra. And also, there’s nothing that bitch won’t slap her name on. No-thing. The Daily Mail says:

In a statement the mother-of-six said: ‘I’ve been lucky enough to discover a new, amazing, revolutionary product that helps women get in the mood and ready for romance in minutes.

‘It’s forever changed my experience in the bedroom and I’m sure it will do the same for you.

‘And, who wouldn’t want to try something that works in minutes and makes sex feel… well, amazing? I love instant gratification.’

Not surprisingly, however, the product is crap and doesn’t work. Just ask anyone stupid enough to trust their genitals to Kris Jenner. They’ll tell you:

Zestra currently holds a two star rating overall on Amazon, with most users only marking it one out of five.

One user said: ‘I would have enjoyed a lit stick of dynamite more,” while another [user added]: ‘This stuff smells like dirty bacon grease.’

Not just any bacon grease, mind you — dirty bacon grease. Trust me, a conesuuier of pork products like myself can definitely tell a difference.

VS model Adriana Lima in Vogue Brasil, because she doesn’t smell like rancid bacon rinds:

I’m not sure what it is that makes Lana del Rey the “gangsta” version of Nancy Sinatra, unless her gold fronts and her corn-chip nail-tips are supposed to be her gangsta flair. Personally, I find it really looks more like the flair you’d see at a TGI Fridays.

Victoria’s Secret model and “Transformers 3″ star Rosie Huntington-Whiteley graces one of three covers of next month’s issue of Vs magazine — the other two covers belong to actress Julianne Moore and supermodel Helena Christensen. I suppose the choice of three different women on the covers is their way of putting in a real-life versus in the magazine Vs. So, anyway, which did I choose? Well, after dialoguing with my co-workers and much consideration and deliberation, I ultimately went with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. She was showing her nipple, and the other ladies weren’t. If you aren’t going to bring your A-game, you might as well not even step up to the plate.

I was going to tell you a joke about Reese Witherspoon’s chin, but it was just too long. Ha ha, get it? Too long? Because it was the length of her chin to which I was referring, rather than the duration of the joke itself? It’s a little something called “double entendre,” from the French for “yeah, I know it’s still not funny, asswipe.”

As if one Gwyneth Paltrow wasn’t bad enough, thanks to the wizards at Harper’s Bazaar, you now know what it’s like to be surrounded by four of her. It’s a nice photoshop trick, but in real life that much cunty pretentiousness in one room would probably summon a winter that would last for a thousand years.

I don’t know what happened to Keira Knightley. She’s so pale and sickly-looking now. Not to say that she’s not still beautiful, because she is — she just looks like a vampire skeleton. If anemia and anorexia turn you on, then you just stumbled on a gold mine, my friend.

Sophie Monk is barely D-list, but she looks fantastic in a bikini, so here you go. Pandering to the lowest common denominator is practically an art for me now.

In the February issue of Maxim Australia:

If you didn’t catch her wincingly awful performance on SNL last weekend, Lana del Rey is the latest thing to be shat out of a music industry attempting to capitalize on the success of Amy Winehouse and “Mad Men.” But this “gangster Nancy Sinatra,” as she’s calling herself — no, really — is actually one failed pop star Lizzy Grant, before the nose job and lip injections and the Miss Clairol hair. Calling her a hipster fraud would be giving her entirely too much credit.

You can watch her newest video “Born to Die” after the jump, and while you’re at it, might I also suggest you do a couple of bong hits and re-watch her Saturday Night Live performance? I find it’s extra hilarious when you’re high:

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Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital last night for some sort of substance abuse issue, although just what substance she was abusing remains to be seen. TMZ says:

A 911 call was placed at 10:45 PM Monday night. Paramedics responded to Demi’s L.A. home and after assessing her for a half hour, she was transported to a local hospital.

Sources tell us she is being placed in a facility to “seek further professional assistance.” Our sources say the treatment is for substance abuse.

Demi’s rep [said], “Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends.”

In case you’re wondering, that’s not Demi Moore up there on the cover of Grazia magazine. It’s actually Victoria’s Secret moodel Miranda Kerr, because A) she’s Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr, B) she’s in a Wonder Woman costume, and because C) Demi Moore looks like E.T. in a Cher wig. Even Flat Stanley has more curves than that bitch does.

After fourteen years and two children together, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are reportedly calling it quits. People Magazine says:

Multiple sources [claim] that the relationship is all but officially finished.

Depp, 48, and Paradis, 39, who are parents to Lily-Rose, 12, and Jack, 9, have not appeared side-by-side on a red carpet for more than a year.

In fact, some in their circle say the couple of nearly 14 years have already split. Says one insider: “It’s so sad.”

Man, that IS sad. But you know what isn’t sad? Behind-the-scenes pictures from the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. But then you know what’s sad again? The pictures are slightly out-of-focus because some faggot at GQ thought he was being “artsy.” I don’t know how much more of this emotional roller coaster I can stand.

Lily Aldridge, Candice Swanepoel, Alessandra Ambrosio, Doutzen Kroes and Isabel Goulart in the February issue of GQ:

I wanna hate Taylor Swift, I really do… but I just can’t. She’s just too fucking nice. She can actually play an instrument and sing on key without the help of a computer. She’s from the South. She’s beautiful. In a world of puss-groping Rihannas and tit-spraying Katy Perrys, she’s a breath of fresh air. That said, if you ever mention this to anybody, I’m totally kicking your ass. I mean it. I’ll clean your clock and then kick your ass for not knowing what time it is. That’s just how I roll.

Looking all sexy and Brigitte Bardot-y: