Well, look who’s on the cover of next month’s Elle magazine! It’s Carrie Bradshaw, patron saint of wannabe fashionistas everywhere. I guess being perceived as a clotheshorse has really paid off for Sarah Jessica Parker. God knows it has to be better than just being perceived as a regular horse like before. Zing!

In Equistrian Monthly Bridle & Bit the December issue of Elle:

“Twilight’s” Ashley Greene has two different covers for the December issue of Maxim. I guess it’s some kind of marketing ploy to get you to buy two copies of the same magazine, but I’m not sure the the public is going to go for that kind of fuckery in today’s economy. Unless one of the covers is scratch-and-sniff and the other one is 3-D and topographically correct, I ain’t buyin’. Masturbation isn’t an art; it’s a science! And I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to pay for science. I’ll save that for the hippie liberals and their left-wing agenda.

Putting the “tight” in Twilight over the last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

The Office’s Pam Beasly looks absolutely amazing on the cover of next month’s Shape magazine. And the best part is, she didn’t even use a personal trainer or dietitian to lose all the weight — she’s been completey hands-on, doing it all by herself. Ha ha, that’s what she said! Okay, so maybe it’s funnier when Michael Scott says it.

Showing a little cleave at the “He’s Just Not That Into You” premiere:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Pacific Coast News

There’s “gay,” and then there’s “glitter oozing from the rhinestone-studded no-no hole of Liberace as he crawls around on all fours on a bearskin rug surround by men in mesh halter tops and iridescent feather boas.” See if you can guess which one this album cover is.

Adam Lambert sucking face with boyfriend Drake LaBry:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Pop quiz: What do you get when you combine six and eight? I don’t know, but I sure hope it involves a video camera and tear-away cheerleader uniforms. Woo! High five!

Old pics of Tricia Helfer (Battlestar Galactica’s Number 6) in Maxim…

… and Grace Park (BSG’s Number in FHM:

Even though Maxim already did it five years ago, Marge Simpson will pose as the first-ever cartoon cover girl and centerfold for the November issue of Playboy. The Chicago Sun-Times says

The magazine, which appears on newsstands Oct. 16, will feature Simpson in a three-page pictorial that a Playboy spokeswoman described as “sexy” with “implied nudity.” Subscribers, who make up 40 percent of Playboy’s readership, will get a celebrity on the cover rather than Marge.

The Marge Simpson centerfold is “obviously somewhat tongue-in-cheek,” said [the new Playboy CEO]. “It had never been done, and we thought it would be kind of hip, cool and unusual.”

The idea is to attract readers in their 20s — an appealing demographic compared with the average Playboy reader’s age of 35.

As if the last three seasons of “The Simpsons” weren’t proof enough that Matt Groening just doesn’t give a fuck anymore. Thanks for clearing that up for everybody, Matt.

BTW, (NSFW) this is what happened when I googled “Marge Simpson Playboy pics.” I mostly blame you.

I can’t believe ESPN would put Ugly Wanda on the cover of their ‘Body Issue,’ because Jamie Foxx isn’t even a real athlete. He only played one in “Any Given Sunday.” That’s fraud, buddy!

The massively-photoshopped version of Kelly Clarkson on the cover of next month’s Self magazine has fat girls everywhere in an indignant huff. People Magazine says

Many readers have expressed disappointment and outrage over the digitally slim Clarkson. “Hey, hi, Self ladies: None this changes or explains the fact that YOU ALTERED THE BONE STRUCTURE OF HER FACE,” write one reader on jezebel.com.

Adds another reader: “Taking out red eye and airbrushing a pimple would be making her look her personal best. You completely changed the way her body looked. Why even bother asking Kelly Clarkson to pose in your magazine if you didn’t think her body fit into your idea of what was best?”

But editor-in-chief of Self magazine Lucy Danziger claims they were just “enhancing” Kelly, saying:

“Yes. Of course we do retouching. Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best. [Kelly is] the picture of confidence. I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand.”

For me, “personal best” means “not waking up at the scene of an accident after crapping my own pants.” For Self magazine, it must mean “sorry, but fat chicks don’t sell print ads.” I guess it’s all subjective, really.

NOT looking her personal best last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Shakira just unveiled the new hot-as-hell cover for her latest single, She Wolf. You know, it’s funny — they actually used to call me She-Wolf back in high school. Not because of my natural mystique and my solitary grace, though. Mostly because I had a unibrow and a mustache and could put away four trays of cafeteria meatloaf in one sitting. Yeah, I always fucking hated high school.

Oldies but goodies:

Here’s the cover of Mariah Carey’s new album “Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel.” Let me be the first to say “imperfect angel” my ass. More like fucking “imaginary angel.” I guess “The Memoirs of Back Fat and Pit Bacon” was just too authentic for studio execs.

Click the header image to see what the REAL Mariah looks like:

Julia Louis-Dreyfus manages to bypass the Seinfeld-coined “sponge-worthy” and head straight into what I like to call “plunge-worthy” territory in the April issue of Shape magazine. Ha ha, get it? Plunge-worthy? See, it’s a penis joke. Because you would want to put your penis inside her because she’s so attractive. Feel free to write that one down to use at parties. No charge for awesomeness!

At the 18th Annual Environmental Media Awards: