Michelle Rodriguez is the kind of chick you find peeing standing up in the parking lot when your Dad makes the mistake of stopping at a Denny’s two blocks from a lesbian biker bar in northern Daytona at two in the morning because you didn’t go when your mom told you to back in Jacksonville and there’s no way you’re holding it another hour to Orlando. You can almost feel the hot sting of shame and splattered stranger-urine as your mother shakes her head and mouths “I TOLD you to go when we stopped!” from the front passenger window.
Whitney Houston is postponing her tour in the UK after being inexplicably hospitalized in Paris late last week. Her record company claimed she’d been stricken with a respiratory infection, while her publicist issued a statement denying she had any health problems at all. One thing’s for sure, though — Whitney’s definitely in the hospital, and she’s definitely not performing this month. According to Nine MSN
The troubled singer has landed herself in hospital in Paris and has had to postpone the first three dates of her sellout UK tour.
Whitney’s ‘illness’ comes after widespread reports the former drug addict has gone back to crack while traveling on her worldwide comeback tour.
She was reportedly seen snorting cocaine with her ex-husband Bobby Brown at an LA bar last month.
“I saw her pull a plastic bag out, put a folded bill to her nose and discreetly snort a line from it, of what to me certainly looked like cocaine,” an onlooker told In Touch. “She’s extremely thin and looks like a disaster.”
This is usually where I’d pose a rhetorical question as to where it all went so terribly wrong, but I’m not going to do that here. Experience has taught me that there are some questions in life for which nobody really wants an answer, like “What the fuck is your problem?” or “Where did you get this picture?” or “Why aren’t you wearing any pants?” or “Is that blood?” Sometimes you can say it best by saying nothing at all. Unless you’re in front of a judge, in which case saying nothing at all is considered contempt of court and punishable by up to five years in jail and a $2,000 fine. The more you know…
The National Enquirer was the first to report that former crack addict Whitney Houston had relapsed last week, but her performance in Brisbane, Australia over the weekend pretty much confirmed it. The Daily Mail says
The American star struggled through the opening night of her tour and was left breathless and exhausted after just two songs.
And even more bizarrely, the 46-year-old took a 20 minute break to catch her breath mid-way through the show, [leaving] the stage for twenty minutes [while] her brother Gary Houston [sang] in her absence.
“The singer appeared disoriented,” wrote the Australian Associated Press, “but the final act faltered at the finale when she croaked her way through I Will Always Love You, pausing to get a drink and towel herself down just as she was about to hit the song’s epic high note, which she turned into a soft coo.”
“Soft coo” is putting it nicely. After you watch the “performance” (and I use that term loosely) for yourself below, I think we can all agree “Gollum-esque death rattle” is a hell of a lot more accurate. You could hack an old crow to death with a garden hoe and get the same acoustic experience as being front row at that concert. The only difference is the crow wouldn’t require a half-hour smoke break or charge you a hundred and fifty bucks for the pleasure.
It usually takes billions of gallons of water and hundreds of thousands of years to form a crevasse as broad and deep Kim Kardashian’s ass crack, but she somehow managed it in just 29 years. Amazing, isn’t it? She’s like a real life Grand Canyon! With the right equipment, you could probably go spelunking in there. I bet she charges extra for that.
Leaving Brittany Gastineau’s birthday party this weekend:
Crack might be “wack,” and crack might be “cheap,” but judging by her X Factor performance on Sunday night, Whitney Houston is back to basin’ again (FF to the 4:00 mark for the especially crack-y stuff). Star Magazine says
The admitted drug user’s bizarre appearance on Britain’s The X Factor raised eyebrows Sunday, as she nervously struggled through her song “Million Dollar Bill,” and seemed disoriented during the interview afterward.
When asked by the host when her album was to be released, Whitney paused and stared at the ground before stammering, “Yeah, the um…the album? It should released this weekend or next week sometime. I’ll be back here in April for the tour.”
When [the host] asked her what she thought of the talent, Whitney again looked at the floor for the answer. “I thought that they were…um…how do I put this? Really good.” Then she fiddled with her nose and added, “So that’s um…they’re young.”
Jesus Christ she’s freakin’ twitchy! All that’s missing is a herkie into a pile of folding chairs and a nervous smelling of the fingers she had shoved under her armpits during her Meredith Baxter-Birney monologue and she could be the old black version of Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Part two of Whitney Houston’s first televised interview in more than seven years airs on today’s Oprah, in which she reveals she regularly smoked marijuana and crack and was “addicted” to ex-husband Bobby Brown. The Daily Mail says
The 46-year-old singer described her drug use, saying it became ‘heavy’ after her 1992 movie ‘The Bodyguard.’ She said she would take marijuana combined with rock cocaine. “You put your marijuana, you lace it, you roll it up and you smoke it,” Houston explained to Winfrey.
“I didn’t do anything without [Bobby]. He was very much in control. I liked that. When he said something, I listened. I was very interested in having someone have that kind of control over me. It was refreshing.
He was my drug,” Houston added.
And everyone knows you don’t just quit a drug cold turkey. You have to be weaned off of it. Like methadone for heroin junkies, or in this case, Jenkem for Bobby Brown addicts. See, your rehab meds have to be spawned from the same chemical family as your actual drug of choice. I figure a big bottle of hot fermented butt hash is about as close as one gets to Bobby Brown’s actual molecular structure without killing inadvertently themselves.
