Just four days after she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit for battery and false imprisonment against ex-boyfriend Shawne Merriman, Tila Tequila publicly entered the realm of cuckoo bananas by ranting nude for hours in front of a webcam. Nine MSN says

The reality star’s antics included doing a striptease, waving a gun around, removing a tampon and masturbating in front of the camera.

She also took the opportunity to defend herself against all her haters.

“People call me an attention whore … or whatever,” she ranted. “But excuse me, I’m a grown ass woman and I’m confident in myself … I think a woman’s body is a beautiful thing … that’s why I’m a lesbian … I was born naked … anybody who is against that is gay and in denial.”

She later declared, “I am an angel … because I am here to save the world with my army.”

Unfortunately, you can’t watch Tila pull out her Tampax or rub the monkey anymore, because her lawyer went and pulled all the videos. According to TMZ

[Tila's attorney says] he thinks the domestic violence incident with Shawne in September may have “pushed her over the edge.”

[However, he] acknowledges something is seriously wrong with Tila and he’s trying to figure out how to get her some help.

Um, yeah. Bitch is completely fucking insane. She thinks she has an army? Please! You’d be lucky to find three dudes that still give a shit about her busted-ass implants, much less an entire army. If she were any more delusional, she’d be Kathy Lee Gifford.

A couple of screen caps from the video:

Ohhhhh Mischa. Poor crazy, skinny fat girl. Your world is all upended. You’re skinny, yet you can get a double chin that would please a Rubenesque painter. You have a skinny little behind, yet you still have copious amounts of cellulite. You get 5150′d against your will.  I’m troubled, dear flower child, that you will do yourself some serious harm that would stop the release of your upcoming show, “The Beautiful Life”, of which this is the first I’ve heard about, so that can’t be a good sign, but I’d like to believe you could be in a show that I’d remotely care about, and since this one is about you being a model turned drug addict, I really believe you could pull it off, because I’m really a nice person at heart and don’t want it to bomb and send you into an even deeper spiral of crazy and do something dreadful like off yourself, because then we couldn’t write about you anymore. But I guess that makes me not so much a guileless, kind soul, but more like a heartless guttersnipe. But let’s not squabble about semantics. Let’s have a chat sometime, okay?

Love,

Sonya

At the photoshoot for “The Beautiful Life”:

Britney Spears’ Circus Tour performance in Connecticut over the weekend was a big ol’ hot mess — first, she wiped out during “Get Naked,” and then she was charged onstage by a drunken fan during “Womanizer” (FF to the 2:18 mark) The Daily Mail says

The singer’s security and back-up dancers had to drag fan Kyle King away after he charged on at the show in Connecticut on Saturday night.

Shocked Britney was belting out her encore performance of Womanizer when King, 20, ran towards her and tried to dance with her. Fans at the gig say she looked ‘extremely spooked’ after the reveler was hauled away.

Britney Spears was frightened by a crazy person? How ironic. That’s like being scared of your shadow or your reflection in the mirror. Crazy is as crazy does, Britney!

UPDATE: Crazy fan explains his attack after the jump

And speaking of crazy, here’s Amy Winehouse fighting invisible ninjas:

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Here’s a fun fact: Florida’s major industries are tourism, citrus fruits, phosphate mining, and crazy people. Seriously. Find a story about someone doing something really stupid/weird, and chances are they’re from Florida. Is it the humidity? Does it mess up the electric impulses being fired in the brain? Case in point:TMZ reports,

A man claiming he was “meant to be” with Shawn Johnson was arrested early Tuesday morning after trying to sneak on to the set of “Dancing With the Stars” — and cops say he had two loaded guns and duct tape in his car.

Johnson’s mother, Teri, has just filed a petition for a restraining order against the man, 34-year-old Robert O’Ryan. The restraining order seeks protection for 17-year-old Shawn, her mother, her father and her “Dancing” partner Mark Ballas.

According to documents filed by Johnson, “The LAPD searched [O'Ryan's] vehicle and located a loaded .45 handgun, a loaded shotgun, and materials classically used for kidnapping including duct tape, zip ties, a map to the victim. Also found were love letters, clippings and other information on the victim.”

According to the documents, O’Ryan told police “He had packed all his belongings and permanently left Florida to drive out here to be with [Shawn Johnson], he believes that she speaks to him personally through the television set and through ESP and that they will have a child together, he stated he would be with her no matter what.”

According to the CBS incident report, the whole thing started Monday afternoon when a CBS employee noticed O’Ryan jumping a fence and entering a hallway in the East Studio. Private security confronted him and asked for ID — and that’s when O’Ryan produced an expired concealed weapons license. When guards asked if he had a weapon on him, O’Ryan admitted to having 2 guns in his car. At that point, the guards alerted the LAPD.

It’s just a big misunderstanding, really. He thought she was talking through the TV set through ESP, but she really was just on ESPN. Ba-doom, BAH!

If you doubted for a second that the folks at PETA were absolutely batshit insane, here’s one for you: CloFu! NY Daily News breaks down the insanity:

Someone sent PETA a towel soaked in the actor’s perspiration – apparently picked up at a Washington D.C. gym – and now the organization has proposed using some sort of new-fangled gastronomic technology to convert the scent into a flavor.

PETA’s president sent Clooney a letter seeing if he’d support the idea, to which the actor replied, “As a mammal, I’m offended,” in an interview with the Washington Post.

The animal rights group’s president believes the allure of the hunky actor’s aroma might draw new fans for tofu – which PETA says is often falsely accused of being bland.

“We believe CloFu would be delicious served by itself or over rice with a light soy sauce and sautéed collards, in a casserole with melted vegan cheese and olives,” said PETA head Ingrid Newkirk.

PETA also believes that it’s better for people to die from AIDS and other deadly illnesses than to use effing rats to test pharmaceuticals, so I’d take any culinary suggestions from them with a 2-ton block of salt. Futards.

Actress Anne Heche is carrying another life form inside of her! And no, this one isn’t a half-sibling of Jesus or the communiqué of extraterrestrials. Not yet, anyway. According to Us Weekly

Anne Heche and her beau, actor James Tupper, are expecting their first child together. “They are thrilled,” her rep tells Us. The two first met in 2006 on the set of their short-lived ABC drama Men In Trees while Heche was still wed to husband Coley Laffoon.

Let’s do the math, shall we? Anne Heche herself admitted that she was batshit insane for the first thirty years of her life. She still claims to have an alter ego (the daughter of God and half-sibling of Jesus mentioned earlier) named “Celestia” who regularly chats with outer space aliens. And don’t let’s forget that Anne also reportedly contracted herpes from her sexually-abusive gay father. Given that information, what are the mathematical odds that their baby won’t end up a gender-confused closet-cutting alcoholic? Make sure and show your work. Answers at the bottom of the post.

ANSWER: Negative zero. Also acceptable: 24/7 69. Get it? Wooo!

Jennifer Garner has obtained a court order protecting herself from Steven Burky, a man who has been stalking her for the last six years as the “reincarnation of the prophet Enoch.” You know, Noah’s great-great grandfather in the Bible. According to TMZ

In her declaration, Garner says “Mr. Burky has been stalking and harassing me,” sending “packages and letters containing delusional and paranoid thoughts and following me around the country… since 2002, but in the last year his obsessive and harassing behavior has escalated to the point of becoming dangerous and threatening.”

Burky has shown up at her home and said, “God has sent him a vision of [Garner] being persecuted in some manner that may result in her death.”

Garner says she fears for herself, husband Ben Affleck and daughter Violet. She also says “I am currently pregnant and fear for the safety of my second child once born.”

We’ve learned the LAPD has taken the threat seriously and has [placed] Burky is currently under a 5150 psychiatric hold.

Well, of course they did. He’s “Enoch.” Pfft. No wonder Jennifer wouldn’t give him a second glance. Look, if you want your one true love to take your delusional rants seriously, you need to go with someone a little more prominent. Say, “Jesus” or “Santa Claus.” And then show up at her door wearing her dead dog like a hat and a pair of her high heel shoes you stole off the set of Alias six years ago. It’s all about presentation, people. You only have one chance to make a first impression. Remember that the next time you’re chasing a stranger across the country to warn her about your death visions and Biblical incarnations. Otherwise you’ll never make it to second base.

Read his deranged letters here.

Jennifer at the Farmer’s Market with daughter Violet last week:

By now you know that the body of former “American Idol” contestant Paula Goodspeed was discovered in a car Tuesday night in front of Paula Abdul’s Los Angeles home. To recap:

The 30-year-old “extreme fan” auditioned for Season 5 of the hit show in 2006.

Godspeed [had a] longtime obsession with Abdul. She is believed to have died from a drug overdose in… an apparent suicide.

Curiously, this wasn’t the first time Paula Godspeed attempted to kill herself in front of Paula Abdul’s home. Practice makes perfect, I guess. TMZ says

Paula Goodspeed overdosed in the exact same area around one year ago. Cops were called to Paula Abdul’s house — either late last year or early this year — and found Goodspeed inside her car, unconscious from a drug overdose.

Sources say Goodspeed suffered from “extreme mental illness” that spun out of control in the last two years.

This must be so bizarre for Paula Abdul. It’d be like looking in a mirror and seeing what you could have become were it not for undeserved fame and fortune — delusional, dressed like a gypsy, the butt of countless jokes. It’s like if Dorian Gray and the Ghost of Christmas Future had a baby, and then beat the baby and gave it to the schizophrenic sewer penguins to raise. Paula Abdul — this could have been your life!

Earlier we learned about Beyonce’s new album, I Am…Sasha Fierce, but did you know that Sasha is also her on-stage alter-ego? Uh huh. Beyonce has reached that pinnacle of self-important diva-hood that her ego can no longer be contained in one body. Usa Magazine reports,

“I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work,” she tells Reuters. “When I’m on stage, this alter ego that I’ve created kind of protects me and who I really am.”

She adds, “Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage.”
The singer, 27, has said there are “things I do when performing I would never do normally.”

As “Sasha,” she recently told October’s British Marie Claire, “I have out-of-body experiences. If I cut my leg, if I fall, I don’t even feel it. I’m so fearless, I’m not aware of my face or my body.”

Oookay, freakazoid. That might fall under the category of “Not to Share”. I also believe alter-ego is another word for “being high on psychotropic drugs”, but that’s totally speculation. I suggest testing her theory by throwing a nice roundhouse kick to the face the next time she feels fierce. Any takers?

Beyonce at the 2008 MTV Europe Music Awards, wearing C-3PO’s hand