It’s official — Girl Next Door Holly Madison is dating illusionist/professional douchebag Criss Angel. The two finally went nauseatingly public at the “Criss Angel Believe” magic show in Vegas over the weekend. Gross. I have to say, if the fate of the nation rested solely in my vagina and I had to choose between porking Hugh Hefner or Criss Angel for the rest of my life, ol’ Hugh would win out every time. Soggy old man balls and all. Of course, I’d also gladly accept a lifetime of Tijuana donkey shows and an eternity of fire and poking, so take that for what it’s worth. By my calculations, about four dollars and seventy-five cents. Please make checks payable to “cash” or “Frugal McDoogal’s Wine and Liquor Warehouse.”

Pamela Anderson celebrated her 57 41st birthday over the weekend, and as expected, it was a classy and dignified affair. But one person was noticeably absent from the soiree Saturday — boyfriend ex-husband roommate Tommy Lee. According to The Insider

Pamela Anderson had a busy night without boyfriend Tommy Lee at LAX nightclub pimping herself out to all the many guys there. She was celebrating her birthday, or that’s what she’s saying she was doing. Since when did Criss Angel get back into the picture and that other guy? WTF?

If you weren’t lucky enough to attend the fete, I caught a couple of little snippets for you. I present:

THE TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT PAM ANDERSON’S BIRTHDAY PARTY:

10. “You’ve been vaccinated, right?”

9. “Another video camera! How did you know?”

8. “Oh, look — she’s presenting!”

7. “It’s $40 for the first half-hour.”

6. “Show us your tits!”

5. “Jesus, whose puke is that?”

4. “Tassels! Just what I needed!”

3. “Ooh, a vagina cake! Like how I have a vagina!”

2. “Is it supposed to smell like cheese?”

and the number one thing over heard at Pam Anderson’s birthday bash:

1. “You’re an illusionist, right? Can you make genital warts disappear?

The impetus behind Pam Anderson’s surprise divorce filing this week has been revealed, and it’s because — dun-dun-dun — she’s a giant whore. Didn’t see that one coming, did you? Page Six says

Spies in Las Vegas say Anderson spent the night before her final performance with magician Hans Klok, “cozying up to” publicity-loving illusionist Criss Angel at club LAX. Pictures were taken, gossip was spread - and Salomon “hit the roof when he found out Pam was hanging out with Criss while he was off at a poker tournament. They had a huge fight,” and Anderson filed for divorce a few days later. A friend of Anderson said, “It was just another log on the fire. Their relationship is so volatile [that] I’m sure this won’t be the last time she files, but nothing happened with her and Criss; they were just hanging out.”

It’s a known fact that “cozying up” is just fancy talk for “pulling down your pants.”¹ This is precisely why you’ll never catch me “cozying up” next to a roaring fire. I like my lady bits un-charred,² thank you very much. Doesn’t make a goddamned lick of sense to get your genitals out near a fire. You might as well pull them out and then hand them them to Pamela Anderson or something. Wait, what were we talking about? Exactly.

¹_{According to Uncle Harold Thanksgiving 1988.}

²_{I also prefer Canadian bacon.}

Hepatitis C forgets her concealer last week: