In case you weren’t totally convinced that the Jonas Brothers are the faggiest thing since spandex bicycle shorts and appletinis, enjoy this footage of Joe Jonas sobbing on stage during a performance of “Gotta Find You” in Detroit on Sunday night. In his defense, I’d probably cry, too, once I realized I was just Hanson with bigger eyebrows and less animal magnetism.

Big girls don’t cry:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

The normally-stoic Angelina Jolie broke down in tears yesterday after broaching the subject of her late mother Marcheline Bertrand at a London press conference for her new movie “The Changeling.” Angelina said of her mother:

“‘Her name was Marcheline, but we used to call her Marshmallow, as a joke, because she was just the softest, most gentle woman in the world. She was really sweet and was never angry - she couldn’t swear to save her life. But when it came to her kids, she was really fierce and so this (film) is very much her, her story.

She was the woman I related to, who had that elegance and strength for knowing what was right.”

Incidentally, the kids in my neighborhood growing up used to call me “marshmallow,” too. But not because of my meek and tenderhearted spirit. Because I was pushing a hundred and fifty pounds in the third grade and required a special desk and chafing cream after kickball. Kids can be real bastards sometimes.

Morticia and Gomez leaving their hotel last night:

Sienna Miller was awarded $27,000 in damages and an apology from Britain’s Daily Star yesterday after the tabloid published photos of her “in distress” while being “harassed by the paparazzi.” Kind of like the pictures you see above. E! Online reports

The photo in question was published Sept. 11. It shows the 26-year-old in the lobby of a Los Angeles building cornered by more than a dozen cameramen while waiting for an elevator. Video footage of the scene showed Miller red-faced and near tears.

In addition to the monetary settlement, the Daily Star issued an apology in today’s newspaper.

“We accept, as we said in the article, that Ms. Miller was extremely harassed and distressed by persistent pursuit and intimidating tactics adopted by numerous paparazzi in seeking to obtain photographs of her, including the very photograph that we published. We apologize to Sienna for publishing this photograph.”

Well, that settles it! You can’t go around making sluts cry and then take their picture. Good to know. I’ll have to make some schedule changes to my afternoon. In any event, Sienna still has a legal bone (ha ha!) to pick with the tabloids.

Miller lodged a separate privacy-violation action against the News of the World and Sun tabloids in July, along with the Big Picture paparazzi agency, seeking in excess of $180,000 for publishing the now-infamous topless photos of her and Getty on their Italian vacation over the summer.

That would be these pictures right here. Yes. Now, I’m not a rocket scientist or anything, but from what I remember in school, if you don’t want your topless picture taken, then DON’T GO OUT IN BROAD DAYLIGHT WITH YOUR TITS FLOPPED OUT YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!!!! Aaarrrgh! That was a frustrated noise, not a pirate exclamation. Although I do like pirate talk. I figure “filthy bilge rat” and “scurvy slut bag” just about covers it. Now we just have to figure out a way for her to walk the plank without trying to mount it.

Boo fucking hoo: