Halle Berry filed documents in family court this morning accusing baby daddy Gabriel Aubry of violating the terms of their custody agreement regarding three-year old daughter Nahla. TMZ says:

Halle [says she] is concerned for 3-year-old Nahla when she’s in the care of Gabriel… and to reinforce her point, submitted a lengthy court document claiming Gabriel has put Nahla at risk.

The documents go into great detail about Gabriel’s parenting skills, claiming there was once an incident overseas when Gabriel allegedly neglected Nahla, imperiling her safety.

Halle wanted the judge to find Gabriel in violation of the custody order. Gabriel was not in court today, and the judge set a hearing on the matter for later.

It will go on like this until Nahla is 18, just you wait and see. It’s one of those cultural imperatives that Gabriel Aubry will never be able to transcend. Nobody’s ever gonna convince a black single mother that there is any other means of communicating with their baby daddy than via a judge’s order. Just like nobody’s ever gonna convince a single black mother that title loans and synthetic weaves are a bad idea.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Brooke Mueller hasn’t been seen or heard from in the last 24 hours, except for the times when she hit up her friends for clean piss and tried to pawn a stereo and one of ex-husband Charlie Sheen’s old watches for cash. Clearly, she’s well on her way to winning. Radar Online says:

It started with frantic calls to friends for drug-free urine, continued with a failed attempt to hock an expensive watch in a sleazy Inglewood pawn shop — and it ended with friends believing Mueller is hitting rock bottom.

Mueller is believed to have attempted to pawn one of Sheen’s expensive time pieces – even though she gets $55,000 a month from the former Two and a Half Men actor.

[No one has been able to reach her since] Wednesday… [when she] missed a red carpet event in Hollywood.

“Brooke seems depressed,” the friend said. “We’re worried for her safety.”

There are exactly three places you can find yourself that will guarantee your life is in the shitter: 1) the back of a cop car; 2) onstage at a strip club; or 3) a pawn shop. I have a feeling Brooke will have hit all three by the time I’m done posting this. Hat trick, baby!

Lunching with Paris Hilton (okay, so maybe there’s four):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

There were clues that something was amiss when Halle Berry’s ex-boyfriend Gabriel Aubry took legal action to establish custody rights of their two-year old daughter Nahla back in December, but now their facade of amicability has been completely shattered. Radar Online says:

Halle, 44, released a statement claiming that she has “serious concerns for her daughter’s well-being while in the care of her father for any extended period of time and is prepared to take all necessary steps to protect her.”

Gabriel, 35, is ready to fight and will seek sole custody of Nahla — [he] has already consulted attorneys in both California and Canada.

“Halle has gone too far this time,” the source [says]. “Attacking Gabriel and accusing him of being an unfit father is totally below the belt and completely without merit. He’s going to give as good as he gets. There’s no way he is going to allow Halle to take his daughter away from him.”

“He has all kind of weapons that he can, and will, use — some really embarrassing emails and voicemails from Halle that [she would not want] made public — things that really will show her true side and how manipulative, controlling, mean and self-obsessed she can be.”

I think Mr. Aubry has grossly overestimated the sway those voicemails and emails will have on her adoring public. No piece of evidence that he has could be more personally damning than “Catwoman” or “Swordfish,” and they still gave her an Oscar after that.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Now that her divorce from Tiger Woods is final, Elin Nordegren has broken her nine-month silence in an exclusive 19-hour sit-down with People magazine:

“I’ve been through hell. It’s hard to think you have this life, and then all of a sudden — was it a lie?” says the 30-year-old mother of two. “But I survived. It was hard, but it didn’t kill me. I have been through the stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children.”

Elin, who is studying towards a college degree in psychology, says [of] her husband’s betrayal: “I felt stupid as more things were revealed. How could I not have known anything? The word ‘betrayal’ isn’t strong enough. I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived. I felt betrayed by many people around me. I never suspected, not a one. When all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school. Initially, I thought we had a chance, and we tried really hard.”

She tells the magazine this was her first – and last – interview, as she intends to remain a private person.

Ultimately, though — even though I’m sure she’s found some satisfaction in her ex’s public derision and the complete dismantling of his once-marketable image (and its subsequent effect on his golf game) — nothing has given her more joy than the watching the Dwarf Elephant-unicorn hybrids frolicking in her diamond gardens from high atop the space station she had constructed out of platinum and lined with Mongolian cashmere and c-notes. “I find natural fibers breathe a bit better,” she’s quoted as saying.

Even though she renounced custody both in court eight years ago and in an interview with News of the World last week, Michael Jackson’s ex-wife Debbie Rowe is now saying she plans to fight for custody of Prince and Paris Jackson. According to Us Weekly

“I want my children,” Rowe said during a 90-minute phone conversation Thursday morning with NBCLA.

Katherine filed a 22-page petition seeking legal guardianship of the children. A guardianship hearing scheduled for Monday has been postponed until July 13 at the request of attorneys for Rowe and Katherine Jackson.

Rowe also said she was willing to submit to any testing, including DNA to prove that she is the children’s true biological mother, [and] would submit to psychological testing.

“I am stepping up,” Rowe said. “I have to.”

Well, of course she has to. The will very clearly states she gets nothing:

“I have intentionally omitted to provide for my former wife, Deborah Jean Rowe Jackson,” the [document] states.

… while the kids will get almost half of his estate. TMZ says

Katherine Jackson will get 40% of the assets. Michael’s 3 kids will get another 40%.
And the remaining 20% goes to several children’s charities.

Sure sounds different from Debbie’s testimony eight years ago, in which she said,

“I had the children for [Michael]. I did it for him to become a father, not for me to become a mother. You earn the title ‘parent.’ I have done absolutely nothing to earn that title.”

Of course, that was before there was a $200 million dollar estate up for grabs. That changes everything. It’s just a matter of time before her eyes turn into bulging dollar signs and her tongue starts lolling out of her mouth any time she gets near a courthouse. Yep, Saturday morning cartoons have taught me practically everything I know about the legal system. That’s why I always dress as a sexy bunny when I have my probation hearings.

Watch video of his final dress rehearsal two nights before his death after the jump

(more…)

In an interview earlier this week where she renounced any interest in custody, former wife Debbie Rowe revealed that the late Michael Jackson’s three children were not biologically his own. But the big shocker? They’re not biologically hers, either. Dun dun DUN! TMZ says

Debbie Rowe is not the biological mother of the two kids she bore for Michael. All three children were conceived in vitro. Debbie’s eggs were not used. She was merely the surrogate, and paid well for her services.

Well, if Michael Jackson’s not their dad, then who is? According to Us Weekly

Their biological father is Arnold Klein, Jackson’s L.A.-based dermatologist and Rowe’s former boss.

Okay, so they’re biologically Arnold Klein’s, but legally they’re still Michael’s kids, right? Um, not exactly:

Jackson never filed legal papers to adopt any of his children.

As for why Jackson didn’t formally adopt — at the time the kids were born there was no third party whom he believed would try and claim custody. For some reason, Jackson never thought [anyone] would mount a custody challenge.

In other Michael Jackson news, the drug Propofol — which is only available to medical personnel and whose sole use is to put people under anesthesia before major surgery — was discovered at the his home. TMZ says

Propofol can only be administered with an IV. Propofol [produces an intense burning sensation] and the drug Lidocaine is used to reduce the pain associated with the Propofol injection. Interestingly, Lidocaine was found near Jackson’s body [at the time of his death].

One of the major side-effects of Propofol is cardiac arrest if it’s taken in combination with narcotic painkillers; however, Propofol is so powerful it can stop someone’s heart on its own.

Sources say the drug is so inappropriate and reckless for home use, if a doctor facilitated it for Jackson, he or she could be prosecuted for manslaughter.

Stayed tuned for tomorrow’s episode of “As the Michael Jackson Turns,” in which Dr. Rip Studwell reveals that John Black is actually the real Michael Jackson but doesn’t yet know it because of a mysterious case of amnesia, and that the Michael Jackson who died was actually an evil clone engineered by Stefano DiMera in an attempt to take down the Bradys once and for all.

Disturbing facial transformation video here.

Now that Michael Jackson is dead, ex-wife and surrogate mother Debbie Rowe is no longer bound to the confidentially agreement he paid her to sign. Her first order of business? Revealing that Michael was not the biological father of the children. She told News of the World

“I went to the… medical clinic [and] they impregnated me. It’s just like I impregnate my mares for breeding. Just like I stick the sperm up my horse, this is what they did to me. I was [Michael's] thoroughbred.

[But] it wasn’t Michael’s sperm.”

So how did their equine-metaphor-laden romance come to such an untimely end?

“We never had sex. He never wanted to live with me. That’s why he bought me a house. There was always ‘my house’ and ‘his house’, never ‘our house’.

The [second] delivery was so hard. My insides were all torn up and I was barren. When he knew I couldn’t have any more babies he didn’t want anything to do with me. He took the kids. The settlement was written up, and he just wanted me to be quiet.”

Which was probably a good thing, because she said of the children:

“I never felt any attachment to them. I got paid for it, and I’ve moved on. I was never cut out to be a mother. I don’t want these children in my life. My [horses] are my children.”

You know the kids are relieved to hear that. There’s a good chance if one of them had broken a leg that she would’ve taken them out back and shot them.

UPDATE: Us Weekly is now reporting that Michael’s mother Katherine Jackson has been granted temporary custody of the children.

Hello, campers.  It’s Sarah today, but never fear — Abby will be back tomorrow.  So, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are still getting divorced.  I apologise in advance for the stultifying boredom of this garbage, but apparently this is newsworthy even though Madonna stopped being interesting in approximatenly 1993.  Anyhow, according to the Daily Mail:

Yesterday it was claimed that Guy had turned down a massive £20million settlement from Madonna and the pair are ‘no closer’ to reaching any agreement over their impending divorce.

The pair, whose split was made public two weeks ago, are feuding over where their children – Rocco, eight, and adopted David Banda, three – will live and be educated.

Madonna, 50, wants the two boys to live with her and Lourdes, her 12-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, in New York. But Ritchie, 40, would prefer that the children go to school in London.

The singer’s biographer, J Randy Taraborrelli, told Hello! magazine the pair ‘are at loggerheads’.

He said: ‘There was a great deal of haggling about this matter last week, with Madonna upping the amount of Guy’s settlement to more than £20 million in hopes that he would acquiesce.’

He added that they are ‘not even speaking to each other. They communicate only through lawyers’.

Mr Taraborrelli also said a friend of Ritchie told him that the split could become more acrimonious.

The source told him: ‘I do think it’s going to get nasty. He and Madonna are very angry now, no doubt about it, [but] they are willing to put that aside for their children.

‘But I do think that if one sees the other linked up with a new partner so soon, it will make everything a lot more complicated for everyone involved.’

It was also claimed today that the couple’s legal teams are seeking witness statements from business and house staff.

There’s a lot of other nonsense about marriage contracts and hours of Kabbalah reading and pre-scripted arguments, but I fell asleep at least twice while reading that piece so you’d probably be better off reading the link yourself if you’re that interested.  Also, consider ritual suicide.

Basically, here’s how I feel about this whole divorce thing:  Madonna’s a goddamn lunatic and always has been.  Guy Ritchie, who is a good deal younger than Her Veinyness, married her and became about 984% more famous as a result.  Then one day he woke up and realised, “Holy hell, I’m in bed with a centuries-old she-demon in a seaweed cellophane wrap, and when she wakes up she’s going to be a controlling harpy with a weightlifting problem, a fake accent, and delusions of grandeur.  This sucks.  I’m done.”  Neither of these jackasses gets any pity from me, and unless the forthcoming witness statements from their household staff uncover ridiculously hilarious tales of domestic insanity, I stopped caring about this within four seconds of hearing they were splitting up.

Mother of the Year Sharon Stone is denying claims that she wanted her 8-year-old son Roan to receive Botox treatments for his stinky feet. According to Us Weekly

“Sharon Stone never made this statement. It is a complete fabrication,” her attorney Martin Singer tells Entertainment Tonight. “Sharon loves her son Roan and only wants the best for him.”

Of course she wouldn’t make a statement like that. Please. She very clearly said she wanted botox injections for his anus. Because pooing is so smelly and unbecoming! With her steady diet of cocaine and martinis, she probably hasn’t taken a real dump in years. Unless you count “Basic Instict 2″ or “Catwoman.” I’m pretty sure you’d have to wipe after making those pieces of shit.

It was reported yesterday that actress Sharon Stone will not be regaining custody of her 8-year-old son Roan. Extra says

Roan will remain at [Sharon's ex-husband Phil] Bronstein’s home as his primary residence. Stone will have visitation one weekend a month and have Roan on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

But she’s the mom, right? Why wouldn’t she have primary custody? Let’s see… oh, right — because she’s fucking insane. TMZ reports

The judge [in her custody case] notes, “Mother appears to overreact to many medical issues involving Roan.” In one case, the judge describes Stone believing Roan had a spinal condition, but “there was no evidence to support this allegation.”

“Another example of an overreaction is that Mother suggested that Roan should have Botox injections in his feet to resolve a problem he had with foot odor. As Father appropriately noted, the simple and common sense approach of making sure Roan wore socks with his shoes and used foot deodorant corrected the odor problem without the need for any invasive procedure on this young child.”

Oh, come on. They’re not even being fair! There’s no mention of the other alternative treatments Sharon suggested for Roan anywhere in those stupid documents. It wasn’t just Botox, you know (even though that one is clearly the most obvious solution). There were several other perfectly logical remedies she considered. She even made a list. Luckily, I obtained it for you:

SHARON STONE’S TOP TEN ALTERNATIVE ROAN FOOT TREATMENTS:

10. Butter and pan-searing

9. Two words: potato peeler

8. Bathe them in the tears of a hundred Pyreneese virgin gypsies on the night of a full moon

7. Hot coal walk

6. Two-priest exorcism with Holy Water

5. Surgically replace all the sweat gland in the foot with tiny air fresheners

4. Battery acid — rinse and repeat

3. Pills, pills, and more pills!!!

2. Hypnotherapy

and the number one alternative foot treatment she considered for Roan:

1. Just saw ‘em off at the ankle

Nippin out in L.A. last month:

Bonus beaver shots:

In a totally unexpected turn of events, Britney Spears has given up all attempts to regain custody of her children from ex-husband Kevin Federline. Popozao! Kevin’s attorney told OK! Magazine

“A final settlement in the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears custody case was signed. All parties have agreed to the following: Kevin will retain sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney will continue to have visitation rights which may increase over time.”

You know how that old saying goes — ” If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it’s because you dipped it in nacho cheese and tried to eat it again.”

Shopping in L.A. July 11th: