Alex Rodriguez’ wife Cynthia announced that she is filing for divorce first thing this morning, citing the Yankee star’s relationship with Madonna as “the final straw.” Cynthia claims that Madonna used her religion to exude some kind of mind control over A-Rod. According to the NY Daily News

“This all started with kabbalah,” said the friend. “Alex told Cynthia that he’d discovered that he’d been looking for his soul mate. And now, he said, he’d found her.”

Cynthia Rodriguez told a friend, “I feel like Madonna is using mind control over him. I don’t recognize the man he’s become. He was a sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he’s very cold and calculating.”

Madonna issued the following statement in response:

“I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study. I have learned over the years not to take accusations and the many false reports about me very seriously. I also appreciate how fiction and fact seem to be perceived as one and the same by people who read both newspapers and the internet.”

Madonna would do well to remember the words of François de la Rochefoucauld: “The sure way to be cheated is to think one’s self more cunning than others.” Another good way to wind up cheated? “Being an self-righteous old cunt who doesn’t know when to shut her stupid fucking pie hole already.” That’s a lesser known author, Abby, circa 2008. You know, if any of you want to make it your tag line or senior quote or something.

The NY Daily News is reporting that Yankee star Alex Rodriguez and his wife, Cynthia (pictured above), have split after about three months of marital “problems.” It seems that A-Rod isn’t the only one whoring around here lately — according to Us Weekly, Alex Rodriguez’s wife has been nailing singer Lenny Kravitz. The magazine says

Kravitz and Rodriguez’s wife Cynthia have been “spending cozy time” in Paris for at least the past four days. Cynthia and Alex Rodriguez – who wed in 2002 and have two young daughters – attended NBC’s New Year’s Eve 2008 party where Kravitz performed.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave! And no, I’m not talking about Britney Spears’ hair extensions. It’s a metaphor for complexities that sprout from a single lie. I tried to find a better metaphor about a labyrinth made of out orifices and wieners, but it turns out there aren’t any out there. That’s why I made one up. “The shenanigans of those who ho, make a relationship Sloppy Joe.” See, because it’s messy? Yeah? Well, okay then. Fuck you.